please @Holt check my essay and let me know my mistake
ART AND MUSIC
SHOULD STUDENTS STUDY ART AND MUSIC AT SCHOOL OR NOT?
Although there are many people think that students should study the main subjects at school such as science and math in order to prepare them to job market . I have another view of theirs that music and art should be taken at school as the main subjects for the following to reason that I will spot the light on them .
The first reason is that ,students should take all things at school even supplementary subjects because that will help them to remove the stress and negative thoughts. Some of students feel so nervous during the time of studying for the final exams , so they should have fun . Music and art can be that fun for students .Morover, it will be a gate for all parents to discover their childrens' attitude . Music and Art are so useful for their brains .Many finding says that "people who listen more to music or live in a music or art environment that will help them to live longer than who live an ordinary life " .For that reason it will help also our students to focus more in their studying because they have time for entertaining themselves .All that will reflect on students' personalities and their grades .
The second reason is that ,from the studying atmosphere to the music it will be good steps for students because most of students forget their worries about anything by going to this field .Treating these subject as main ones will enhance their understanding of culture ,and they will know how to appreciate these things .It is not only that but also, merely that will raise a new generation, who may work in music and art , with different ability in future . Those graduate students will find different opportunities in their countries if they improve their talents well.
All in all , Music and art can be the another gate for all if they realize from the beginning its importance . Schools should deemed these kind of subjects as main subject to improve their students performance and expose their skills which will help them a lot in their future.
I think you change "finding" to "experts" or adding "s" to finding and change "says" to "say" and add person to before "who"
finding experts say s that "people ... live longer than persons who ... "
Here are my opinions regarding your essay:
1/ The conjunction in paragraph 2 and 3, it is incorrect when you put a comma after that => It should be "the first reason is that...". But I think, if possible, you might want to change to a shortly firm like First; Firstly, First of all.
2/ It seems like you are introducing one opinion in 2 paragraphs by reading the two topic sentences. Removing stress or forgetting worries sounds similar to each other.
3/ You have a lot of grammar issues. For example, childrens' attitude => Children's attitude;
the another => another, and so on.
Thank you for your helping ... just I want to clarify one thing
children is plural son went I wrote childrens' attitude I mean this comma for possession.
Although there are many people think --> who think/ thinking
i think writing "Firstly, Secondly", is more convenient. You should only use "the ... reason is that" once.
Many finding say
"people who listen more to music ..." --> I think you should write "Listening to music or living ... helps them ..." or "People who listen ... will live longer".
it will also help
focus + on
I think you have some grammar and vocabulary mistakes. And you should learn vocabulary more and write more to help your writing more coherent.
TO BE HONEST, U HAVE A GOOD WRITING STYLE AND I LOVE IT, BUT I THINK THERE ARE SOME MISTAKES THAT I REALLY WANT TO POINT IT OUT FOR U!
1. The first reason is that,( the comma have to be deleted ) ...
2. Moreover, it will be a
gate ( while it should be an opening gate/door/ or something like that because when u say a gate, it is closing, not opening which can change the meaning of the whole sentence :) for all ...
3. Many findings say
s attitude,Music and Art are so useful ( i think u should use another word because i've heard that "useful" is not a really formal word ) for their brains.All of that will ...
Overall, I see u have good ideas and good writing style. However, it seems that u don't write your prompt completely. In other words, u have to say what kind of this topic like "discuss both views" or " give your opinion " in order to me and other students, especially Holt can fix your essay :) !( if this is an IELTS task 2, u really need to write that! )
So good luck next time ~ ~!