Hi, evrybody. This is one of my recent TOEFL essays, but it was written for more than thirty minutes. I would be grateful if you provide feedbacks to the essay, and advise me on how I can improve my style. What tools should I exploit to make essays distinct and original?
Do you agree or disagree?
I think there is too much violence in movies.
From its origin at the very late of the 19-th century, the moviemaking process has gone through quite a remarkable path. It developed from short, black and white, silent scenes into full-length, colored, 3D format movies with complex and intricate plots. As films grow in number, filmmakers try various tools to make movies more lifelike and attract spectators, going too far by adding noxious episodes with cruel behavior and violent actions. Based on it, I strongly support the statement that there is too much violence in movies.
I think that there's not too much violence in movies. It's your own choice to watch whatever you want, if you don't want to watch violence then don't watch it. If it's an issue with kids watching violent movies then the parents should be more strict. I think that the violence in video games is a bigger issue than the violence in movies.
You can't say "the very late of the"
From its origin at the very late end of the 19-th century, the...
or
From its origin at the very late of in the 19-th century, the movie-making process has gone through quite ...
This is a bad place for a pronoun:
Based on it I support the statement that there is too much violence in movies.
Based on observation, I support...
Based on my observation of the harsh imagery used in modern films, I support the...
Capitalize names of films, people, books, organizations, etc.-->The best example is the famous movie "The Patriot", which became after release a bestseller of the season.
After all, human psychology is unstable and liable to various impacts.--- Yes, and that is why we need movies that help us to cope with the harsh realities. Violent films help us deal with difficult emotions, just like imaginative play helps children.
Furthermore, significant increase in violent crimes is observed in society among teenagers and youth people, which are considered to be major film viewers. --- good point!!
But the question that arises is this: Do you support censorship? That is the big question. If you could decide what was allowed in films and what was not, what would you say?
:-) thanks for helping a lot of people today, I saw that you really spent a lot of time helping.
Syddy and Kevin, I appreciate your suggestions and corrections.
Thank you Kevin for your kind words. It is a real pleasure to be engaged in the activity if this forum. I really enjoy it. While trying to help people, I benefit from it as well. I gain something novel and useful every time when I provide feedbacks irrespective of the quality of checked essays.
Regarding my reasons, I still think that violence in movies is unjustifiable. In order to help people to deal with harsh realities, it is enough to demonstrate difficulties and hardships that people experience without including violent scenes. Skilled filmmakers are able to evade using these technique telling the whole truth and making viewers to ponder over a film, understand and go through all that a protogonist does. May be an attempt to veil their ideas. Everybody may display violence in films - it is not so difficult, but few masters can present things in the way that fully convey suffering and sorrow without scenes with bare violence.
I an not for censorship, which I consider the violence of rights for expression, but I think that censorship should exist in the mind of fillmakers; they should comprehend that there are certain limits, that they should know where to stop in their efforts to pervert in making violent scenes. After all, observance of violence may tell about the harsh realities, but few people will understand them. Everything seems too remote, and unreal from behind the screen. People are able to see and cope with problems after they face with such situation.
I agree with syddy and think the rating system alerts you the amount of violence. Also yea the video game issue...that destroyed some of my academic life sadly...
Did you back up that increase in crime rates with a reliable source?
Thanks for comments, Yonman.
Regarding your question, I do not need to support the reason with a realible source in TOEFL essays. It is not required, but, of course, if I do that it would be counted as a plus. Students usually use expressions like "according to recent surveys" or "referring to latest interviews"; however, I try to avoid including these types of cliche phrases in my essays.