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A Time Bomb in Wildlife Existence - IELTS Writing Academic Task 2

ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 20, 2017   #1
Please help me to review this writing based on IELTS Task 2 criteria :)

Question: In light of the current socio-economic situation of the world, do you think this the right time for wildlife preservation? If yes, what are the ways and means you suggest for this?" Give your opinion in no less than 250 words.

preventing our wild nature from inexistence - now!

In today world, the advance development for human being leads to several serious problems into the planet. One of main concerns is the existence of wildlife that currently reduced by human activity. In the future, if humans do not create a strategy to prevent this problem, like a time-bomb, it will explode for a certain of time. It seems to me that there is no best time to save our wild nature except as soon as possible.

The reasons why our wildlife become vulnerable comes from many reasons. First, the human activity such as deforestation contributed more problems in our wildlife existence. For example, in Indonesia, there are many companies that change the function of forest for their own interest. This action will damage our nature as our source of dozen animals and plants come. Concerning about this problem, now is the best time to start a change in order to save our future nature.

In terms of solution, there are many solutions that can be offer to solve this problem. Firstly, human as inhabitants on the earth planet should have a sense of urgency about the problem. They have to aware that they faced a serious problem. By this awareness, people will act and think wisely in order to save wild nature. Secondly, the government should contribute by creating some particular regulations to prevent and punish the companies or individual that against the regulation. The government also can contribute by creating more nature conservation in some regions that vulnerable and have many effects in the world.

To conclude, there is no best time to prevent our wild nature from inexistence except today. Many solutions also can apply as I mentioned above. There is a time to save our wild nature, for our better and sustainable world in the future.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Sep 21, 2017   #2
Aulia, for the first time ever in my history of advising here at EF, I am going to be giving the lowest possible score for an IELTS practice test. This essay will get a score of 1 in an actual setting because it does not properly address the task requirements. Since you scored a 1 in terms of Task Accuracy, that means there was clear lack of understanding of the prompt and the discussion instructions on your part. As such, you will automatically fail all the remaining aspects of the test. After all, you cannot be scored properly for the 3 other criteria when you obviously did not understand the question. American students and parents have this not so laughable joke about students who get the lowest possible scores on any test that they take, "You got a 1 for spelling your name right." That is what you did in this essay.

I think the confusion in the discussion of your essay comes from you not really knowing what the meaning of Socioeconomics or social economics (in the long form) is. This term pertains to the "... social science that studies how economic activity affects and is shaped by social processes. " As you can probably see from the definition of the term, your essay does not discuss anything remotely related to the definition of the socioeconomy of the world in relation to wildlife preservation. This misunderstanding of the term and its subsequent wrong discussion is what led to your failing score in this essay. In this case, the socioeconomic factors that you were being asked to discuss were in relation to the preservation of wildlife.

Let me be clear. The minute you prove that you did not understand the prompt requirements, you will get a failing score overall. You will not be scored on the remaining criteria as that would mean assessing information not related to the original prompt. I know my statements here are kind of harsh but I have to be in order to open your eyes to one thing, you need to improve your English comprehension skills, lexical resources, and vocabulary understanding. These are the weakest points that you have as per this essay. These are also the points that are considered the most in your test.
OP ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 21, 2017   #3
Hi Bolt, thank you very much for your valuable feedback, I appreciated so much. This essay is my first attempt to practice task 2, I also got some feedback about the task response and I got different feedback. But again I will practice more about my English as you suggest, many thanks :)
Wakalanud 3 / 7 3  
Sep 21, 2017   #4
hay @ayibramI

it is good for you, because you can manage to write more than 250 words for the first time in writing task 2.

i cannot say much since you failed to answer what the prompt asked about. Please reading and watching some sources related to the outline of Writing Task 2 because it will help you to understand more about IELTS writing task 2. Moreover, paying attention carefully to your grammar accuracy, for example in your first sentence, paragraph 1, the advance development this phrase completely wrong.

Furthermore, your English still sounds like Bahasa and do not have clear explanation. For example, This action will damage our nature as our source of dozen animals and plants come. what kinds of source those animal and plants are?. Be careful to use cohesive device like listing idea "first" in paragraph 1. since you use this kind of term mean that you suppose to mention another ideas, in fact you do not.
OP ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 22, 2017   #5
Hi Heru, thank you for your feedback. Ya, I realize that my English still sounds like Bahasa, and for the phrase the advance development should I replace with The advanced development? thx
sfiza 17 / 28  
Sep 23, 2017   #6
@ayibram hello,

I have read your paragraph. First of all I suggest you that read carefully to understand the prompt properly that you did not do. Without knowing task, you can't address the task requirements. Addressing the task requirements is one of most important part in IELTS writing, and it also has effect on scoring.

I will suggest you read more articles. You will get idea what to write, how to write, and also new vocabulary, new expression, and obviously different sentence structure.

In your writing you completely skip to consider term that social and economic development has been impact on wildlife.

Keep writing 
OP ayibram 6 / 16 2  
Sep 27, 2017   #7
Hi Fiza I've read your own essay about the same topic and found your writing better than me. Thank you for your feedback, yes I was misunderstanding about the prompt in this essay.
rubychautran 10 / 27 7  
Sep 28, 2017   #8
I'd like to suggest a way of making the introduction for you: follow the original prompt as closely as you can, basically just recite whatever they say using alternate words, it's accurate and it saves your time, prevents you from being carried away. Even if you're not excellent at paraphrasing, you'll at least answer the question fully and accurately. Hope this helps!

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