Toefl topic:"When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has...."

Hi, I am Zeki. I have studied for Toefl for two month. Can you help with my essay.

SUBJECT: "When people succeed, it is because of hard work. Luck has nothing to do with success" do you agree or disagree with the quotation above? Use specific reasons and examples to explain your position.

Definition of success is changeable according situation. You can think that a person, who has a good job and expensive car in front of house, is successful. If we limited the successful matter, this kind of quotation seems right. However successful is not related to the circumstance of wealthy, its subject is about the happiness. If you have an excellent job but you don't have a brilliant wife, you are not successful. You can get a magnificent job by working hard, but you may not have healthy children after marriage. Therefore, luck is the significant factor of success.

If we observe the successful people around us, we can easily recognize that this kind of people had a chance at past and they used this opportunity to have a good life. For instance, there is an exam to attend a university in Turkey and you can take this exam just once a year. This exam is the only chance to become a successful person in Turkey. Otherwise, you can not be a respectable person. Every year 200 thousand people enter this exam and only 2 thousand people can deserve to attend a university. If we think that hard working is efficient for being successful, we make a mistake. There is another statistic about students who are the first in their schools and they fail to pass the university exam. These kind of hard working students are not successful because of the fact that

Success is proportional with hard working, but this is not enough. Luck is the efficient criteria for being success. If you are lucky, you are at a right place at right time. If you are not right place at right time, you will be unfortunately unsuccessful in future.

Put the word "the" between "according" and "situation".


Put a comma after "However".


This is a little messy, it should be written like this: "If we observe the successful people around us, we can easily recognize that these kinds of people had a chance in the past and they used that opportinity to have a good life."


If you are going to write out numbers, write out the whole number, not just part of it. So, that should say, "two hundred thousand" and "two thousand".

Other than that, you have written an interesting essay. I would have liked to have seen more examples though.

Thank you for your recoment. Could you give me a number between 0-30 for my essay.

you have written very short essay but you foget to after that
complete the sentence

You have many issues in this essay. I will hit the big ones.

Your second paragraph ends abruptly. "because of the fact that..."

You are missing many words. In particular, articles are missing like "(The) Definition of success is changeable according (the) situation."

And you have the word usage of words like "Luck is the efficient criteria for being success". I think you mean to say important.