*** Please, be as concrete as possible in comments and recommendations
[Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.]
Opinions on the matter of the best way to having a successful career are wide raging: whether a tertiary education or employment soon after high school would ensure success at work. Although both views are reasonable, I agree that studying at university or college is the better option for students.
On the one hand, taking a job immediately after school brings certain benefits to people. For example, an accountant being at work right after school will be rather more experienced than a student just taking a job after graduation. Thus, the former will possess a greater range of practical knowledge as well as advanced work skills. Nevertheless, many employers, as General Motors or Google, favour well-educated students as a nominee in the competition for a job. This makes clear that it is almost impossible for an accountant without a diploma of higher education to make the way up the career ladder to a management accountant.
On the other hand, higher education would enable students to develop expertise in the particular field they wish to specialize in. Firstly, universities and colleges are designed specifically to prepare students for their future profession. In a marketing career, for instance, a strong theoretical base is required, and that foundational knowledge is given effectively and efficiently in high educational establishments. Secondly, students learn to cope with the stress of carrying out and completing a large number of tasks and research by the deadline, in tandem with developing their teamwork skills by working in groups. Therefore, a graduate is better equipped for tackling communication problems with co-workers as well as encountering stressful work situations, thus having greater career opportunities.
In conclusion, while both sides of the question remain equally arguable, I hold the opinion of continuing studies beyond high school as a better means to have a prosperous career.
I think you should try using other transitional phrases, such as furthermore, moreover, in addition, in contrast, however., etc to introduce the another idea. On my first I look, i thought you used on the other hand twice. just saying. :)
"On the one hand, taking a job immediately" ... May be you can just start with "Taking a job immediately.. " then go on with
"On the other hand, higher education would enable.." on the next paragraph.
or
"On the one hand, taking a job immediately" .. then go on with
"However/ In Contrast, higher education would enable.." on the next paragraph.
either way, i think it shows contrast on the two paragraphs..
