[Writing Task 2]Topic summarize: Some countries have many aged people. What are the effects of this?

Hello, I'm currently a high school student from Vietnam and I need some evaluation and advises for my IELTS Writing task 2 papers.
I would very appreciate if anyone can help me out. Thanks a lot! ^^

Topic:
Figures show that some countries have an increasing proportion of the population who are aged 60 or older.

What do you think the effects of this may be?

My reponse:
As the figures have shown, some countries have an increasing proportion of the population that are aged over 60; and it can lead to a various number of effects and impacts, both positive and negative.

These are many advantages when a country has a large number of old people. Since they have been living for a great period of time, they are knowledgeable, which can be a great source of knowledge which can be passed to the younger generation. Furthermore, they are experienced due to their long-life experiences, hence they can make many wise decisions from political, economic to agriculture.

On the other hand, there is no concern that there are many negative impacts due to the great proportion of the population that belongs to older generation that a country has. First of all, the more aged people there are, the fewer youngsters a country will have. This will lead to lack of workers to produce in many careers, therefore there will be a shortage in products in a country, which will lead to higher product prices and increase poverty in a country. Secondly, the older generation, since they don't attend the production of a country, will be a burden for a country's economic since the government has to use their money to take care of them. This will lead to increasing tax and declination in welfare. Last but not least, population aging has been a problem that impact every sides of a country; and therefore, the country will have to rely on the small proportion of younger population. Let's take Japan as an example, this country has numerous aged people and despite their technological success, yet their economical rely on the small proportions of youngsters. This has led to stress and depression in younger generation, many even committed suicide.

In conclusion, despite the undeniable positive effects, yet the negative impacts are too great to be left unconcerned. In a nutshell, an increasing proportion of the population will leave more cons than advs; therefore, a country should try their best to reach a balanced proportion between generations. (347 words)

When you say "As the figures show...", that means the reader will have access to an image that will prove your claim. However, there is no image supplied in a Task 2 essay. Therefore, your restatement of that section of the original prompt is incorrect. Rather than referring to an image, you should be referring to publicly known information for the restatement such as "Various countries show an increased population above the age of 60." While you can use the semicolon in this instance, the next string of thought is not related to the previous statement so it would be better to place a pause in that section using a period. Then stating the next topic for discussion. For that part, there is no need to refer to various number of deaths, just the positive and negative impacts of the age situation.

I understand that you will take the CBT for this, which is why you are typing so many words. However, it would be better for the balanced presentation of your information to stick to the word range of 250-290 words. That is because, as i read your essay, it became clear to me that you are not focused on the coherence and cohesiveness of your explanation, upon which you are scored. You are only focused on the number of words, on which you are NOT scored. If your essay shows underdeveloped explanations due to the number of topics in a paragraph, but little developed explanations, you will find yourself scoring less rather than more in the TA and C&C sections.

Now, I also know what you are studying from a book, which will teach you differently from the way I teach the self-study students here. I am not going to debate how the book teaches you how to write, what other websites say, or how your tutor teaches you. This is a one time review of this paper. If my advice is unacceptable or questionable to you, then please, feel free not to post in this forum anymore. Refer instead to your book and or your tutor.

@namphong020: In my opinion, your writing is good with a lot of vocabulary. However, there are some issues that you should consider:
- First, you should shorten your essay since we only have 40 minutes. Your essay is a little bit long.
- The second paragraph should be improved. I feel that it is not clear to support the main idea of this paragraph. In addition, I think that it is unbalanced between paragraphs 2 and 3. Maybe you have many ideas to write, however, we should precisely point out two of them to explain and discuss.

- Some teachers said that we should not use "in a nutshell" in writing.