IELTS : Tradations and money-making attractions aimed at tourists

I try to improve the coherence of my eassy, I do not know if this eassy is OK.

Topic:
Some people think that culture traditions may be destroyed when they are used as money-making attractions aimed to tourists. Others believed that it is the only way that traditions can be remained in the world. Discuss both and give your opinion.

Eassy:
The opinion differs in whether culture traditions might be destroyed when used as money- making attractions. Some people think that too much commercial behaviour harm the reservation for traditions. While some people consider that the value of heritage should be show to public.

Cultural heritage is under threat of destruction by numerous tourists. In other words, they do not have the awareness of protecting heritage. For instance, it is reported that the wall of some famous buildings, such as Great Wall, are full of slogan and scrawl written by tourists. What is more, some caves, which is far back thousand years ago, is corroded by carbon dioxide result of too much tourists visiting. Not only the tourists but also the managers of traditions will destroy them for money. Some inherited historical buildings are even reformed as business places such as restaurants and shop, which have lost the value of visiting.

However, famous buildings and museums need money to repair and maintain. For example, in some places, the local government reduce the financial budget of traditions, so the managers of traditions have to open them to public to earn money for supporting daily maintain. What is more, opening them to public is a good way to propagate their culture such as printing and traditional skills. In west of China, as a type of pottery making skill is all most vanished, the government show the ancient pottery factory attracting people, especially the youth, learn this skill.

My view is that traditions should be opened to public, but should be restricted. Traditions is a good place for people to get to know the culture and history of one nation. Also the income from tickets is can be used for fixing these important places. But the traditions and environment around and buildings should not be destroyed by earning money. So a period of time in onw year should be closed for repairing the traditions.

You missed the conclusion.

Your entire introduction fails to contain the aspect of tourism which is the key point as per the prompt;



This sentence sounds pretty stereotype. You need to tell the reader how this happens if you believe it is so.
Overall, this is essay is good, but you need to pay attention when you are presenting ideas.

Some suggestions:

dumi
So if I emphasize the culture tradation and famous buildings that are in tourist spot, the essay will be better.

attracting people, especially the youth, to learn this skill. attract sb. to do sth.

Well.... in the introduction you need to introduce the title in its original sense. This prompt says;


Here the focus is not how culture and traditions would be affected by using them for generating income in the tourist industry. Let me do a sample introduction for you;

Tourism, without any doubt, helps boost a country's economy. (this is your hook and then you need to link it to the background of the issue and introduce it to the reader)

It is often seen that many host nations use their culture and traditions to attract tourists and generate income out of them. However, some people view this as a threat that leads to losing the cultural identity of the host nation by catering for the perceived needs of tourists. (this is the background of the issue)

Now state your opinion on this;
I personally believe that ???????