[IELTS Task 1] the trends of the accessibility of current technology in homes in the U.K.

Q. The graph below shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the U.K.

The given line graph depicts the trends of the accessibility of modern technology in homes in the U.K. in terms of percentage. Generally, upward trends were noted in all four categories of modern gadgets over the period of 1996 to 2003.

To begin with, CD player usage was in the highest position with 60 percent in 1996/97, henceforth, a static rise was detected and finally, it reached over 80 percent in 2002/03. Regarding home computer, the accessiblity was only nearly 30 percent in1996/97, but, the usage was gradually increased although it was not comparable to CD player which ended up at about 55 percent in 2002/03. The least accessible gadget in 1996/97 was mobile phone with just under 20 percent. However, their availability was sored moderately though it stood in the lowest rank until beyond 1998/99. After that, it crossed over the personal computer usage and then, rose with wild flactuation. At the end, the second place was took by mobile phone in 2002/03 with 70 percent. The last one is internet access which was not available until 1998/99, at that time, only 10 percent of U.K. people could reach their hands, but the usage of them rose dramatically to 45 percent in 2002/03.

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@zeal
What's the question?

@zeal
Sorry, just noticed 'writing feedback.'

"Regarding home computer, the accessibility was only nearly 30 ..." - Without looking at graph, this sentence is saying that the CD player reached 55% in 2002/03.

Maybe try '...the usage gradually increased to about 55% in 2002/03, which is not comparable to the CD player in the same time period.'

"... in 1996/97 was (the) mobile phone..."

"...rose with wild flactuation." - 'fluctuation.'

"At('In') the end, the second place was took('taken')[R] by mobile..."

"...[R]('that') only 10 percent of U.K. people('residents') could reach('get') their hands ('on')..."

"...but the usage of them('their usage') rose dramatically to 45 percent in 2002/03.

@Martin101
Thank you very much for your kindly advice and correction :)

Mao, your essay is not properly formatted. You need to present anywhere from 3-5 paragraphs in the essay with 4 being the most acceptable target paragraph number. The essay needs to be divided into discussion paragraphs with specific discussion matters presented in each. The way that you have the essay presented now makes it difficult for the reader to read and keep track of the information you are sharing. In an academically formatted paper, this presentation would be at least 4 paragraphs long. You can also improve your summary overview by properly summarizing the data for presentation in the essay in the first paragraph. In the analysis of the essay, there were overlapping points of comparison information that you neglected to discuss. While I can understand why you stuck to the most obvious discussion points, extra points are awarded in the actual test when comparison and discussion points for the not so obvious areas of the graph are presented by the student. I hope that you can fix the paragraph formatting in your next essay. If possible, try to make more analytical comparisons at a higher level with your forthcoming practice essay.

@Holt
Thank you very much for your precious advice :)
I will try to improve my next essays.