Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

In the true happines the emotions and love is involved, not money.


La Baso 15 / 22  
Apr 3, 2016   #1
***Some people believe that our happiness depends on how much money we have. Others say that money cannot buy happiness.
Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?***


Although a surging proportion of individuals are keen to think that having much money is available to bring happiness by buying anything what people want, I believe that money cannot buy happiness, no matter how much money they have.

Regarding to the money can buy happiness, some people believe it is acceptable for several reasons. First of all, people do not need to be worried about their future life due to having enough amount of money especially saved in the bank. Secondly, having amount money can help people to reach anything especially buying many luxuries such as elite house, good clothes, diamond and so on. Not only this, money gives opportunity to the family or people that you want to help to experience better education by taking them in the best schools which is even located in the overseas. Hence, by enough education, people feel happy. For this reason, having money that more than enough, some people argue it is the key of happiness.

However, I do not believe if money is the key of happiness. It is due to the fact that the true happiness is involved emotionally loved. Money is earned by working hard and people that have much money are automatically busy and limited time to meet their close people especially family. Hence, they feel much worried about their family's condition. As result, happiness is created by having good relationship with family with keep in touch in the real time. All in all, having many times with people who we love is the key of happiness while money cannot buy time itself.

To sum up, it is evident that although some societies argue that money can buy happiness, I strongly believe that the key of happiness is having many times to keep in touch with someone we love. However, money cannot buy time.

adeclara 5 / 6 1  
Apr 3, 2016   #2
Dear writer, you have written a very good essay, but I have some corrections for your writing.

1. In paragraph 2, you write "First of all, people do not need to be worried about their future life due to having enough amount of money especially saved in the bank."

If you mean "saved in bank" as the money which you keep in a bank, you can write "savings" or "savings account".

2. In paragraph 2, you write "Secondly, having amount money can help people to reach anything especially buying many luxuries such as elite house, good clothes, diamond and so on."

Instead of "amount money" , you have to write "amount of money" or "sum of money" .
You have to put an article here "elite house". It should be "an elite house".

3. "I do not believe if..." . It should be "I do not believe that..."

4. "located in the overseas" . It should be "located overseas".

5. What do you mean with "involved emotionally loved"?

6. "people that have much money are automatically busy and limited time to meet their close people especially family."
It's better if you replace "automatically" with "normally".
You have to put verb before the sentence "limited time". Just write "have limited time"

Thank you.


Home / Writing Feedback / In the true happines the emotions and love is involved, not money.