UM-Twin Cities Educational Interests American Studies

Hello, I am looking for comments towards my short essay about my educcational interests. Since I am an international applicant, I am answering the prompt for international students!

Prompt; In English, describe your educational interests and goals and what your plans are for when you return to your home country. Please include an explanation of why you would like to study the major you have selected. (600 characters maximum)

Being a third generation Korean immigrant born in Japan, I have learned to understand my Korean and Japanese heritage through the lenses of immigration. In the United States, more than 700,000 newcomers are said to immigrate from around the world each year; this create a diverse community I rarely see in Japan. By learning American Studies, I want to capture the cultural and ethnical heritage immigrants bring into the American society from the global perspective. With its renowned department, UM-Twin Cities will give me valuable opportunities to explore America in an interdisciplinary way. In the future, I will engage in teaching youth in Japan so that my country can become more tolerate community than ever.

Hello,

This is a different take and I like most of it. You close this short essay by stating "In the future, I will engage in teaching youth in Japan so that my country can become more tolerate community than ever." This closing implies that Japan is an intolerant society. This may or may not be the case. You should try to clarify what type of tolerance you hope to teach the youth. You can cut down in other parts of this essay to have enough space to expand on what you mean here. -Admissions Advice Online

Kitakaname, You have a 600 character limit on this essay. I suggest you reclaim some of the character space by deleting


You can instead reword it to become shorter by saying " The United States is home to thousands of immigrants that create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan." . I also have a suggestion to further improve your last few sentences:


- The excitement of this diverse community and the lessons I learn from American Studies are what I hope to bring back to Japan in the hopes of further enlivening our communities that are experiencing its own immigration boom at the moment.

So my suggestion is to make the statement flow this way:

The United States is home to thousands of immigrants that create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan. The excitement of this diverse community and the lessons I learn from American Studies are what I hope to bring back to Japan in the hopes of further enlivening our communities that are experiencing its own immigration boom at the moment.

The word count is 356 and presents a clearer and more definitive idea of what you plan to take back with you to Japan and why. Feel free to use my example as a basis for the revision of your statement if you feel it can help :-)

admission 2012
Thank you very much for your comments!

vangiespan
Thank you very much for helping me all the time!!
I tried to combine what you suggested to me and what I wrote at first.
If you do not mind, could you check it?

Being a Korean descent born in Japan, I have learned my Korean and Japanese heritage through the lenses of immigration. The United States is home to thousands of immigrants who create a diverse community that does not yet exist in Japan. By learning American Studies, I want to know the cultural heritage immigrants have brought into the American society. With its renowned department, UM-Twin Cities will give me interdisciplinary opportunities to explore America. In the future, I will engage in teaching youth so as to enliven my country that is facing its own immigration boom at the moment. (596 characters)

I believe that this is a very good version that you can already use for the essay app. There are just a few grammatical errors that need to be addressed in order to make the essay read better. I have noted those suggestions below:


- Being of Korean descent born in Japan,


- I learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage through the immigration lens


- I hope to learn about the...


- UM- Twin Cities offers me the opportunity to learn on an interdisciplinary level that is sure to benefit my students once I return to Japan to teach them the benefits of welcoming immigrants to Japan.

I am wondering if we went over the character count at this point. Would you mind double checking and letting me know if we did? I will cut down the character count some more if needed :-)

vengiespen

Thank you very much for your help!
I corrected my sentences as you indicated, and I could manage to make them within 600 characters!!