IELTS writing Task 2 - An unbalance in labor source is the controversial topic for many decades

"We should introduce laws to make businesses and state services employ equal numbers of male and female workers in every department or area of the company." How far do you support this idea?

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Give me advice and score for me. Sincerely thanks!!!
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Equal on number of male and female workers

An unbalance in labor source is the controversial topic for many decades. Many lawmakers proposed that we should impose a legislation forcing businesses and government departments balancing the number of employees in sexuality. In my personal opinion, I profoundly oppose this idea and provide some pieces of evidence to prove my individual thought in the following essay.

First at all, in the viewpoint of an employer, forcing the equal number of male and female workers creates exponentially serious trouble for businesses. For instance, to meet this legislation, they have to conduct some personnel change and this process costs a large amount of money. For example, the employer has to investigate workers if who deserve to keep and vice versa; the next step is compensating for the unfortunate people - who are fired; finally and most difficult step is how to recruiting the appropriate employees who meet both of job requirements and sexual legislation without impacting the recent works.

On the other hand, in the employee's perspective, this law creates a hardship for a significant number of workers. The most evident example is some particular fields, such as nuclear industry and prison department, which are almost suitable for males and attracted a mere number of females are facing greatly serious dilemma - how to balance the employees? More seriously, this legislation will make the topically social trouble - unemployment - more and more solemn. The toughest consequence is creating the new crisis in the national economy.

By way of conclusion, this legislation just solving only one trouble - the unbalance of sexuality in workforce - however, creating many social issues and negative influent for the national economy. In my personal thought, without partial in any aspect, I completely refute operating that law because we can solve the problem of sexual balance by other methods such as public education and long-term training.

Nguyet, in response to your inquiry in your previous post, you just need to write in your normal style. Just make sure that you are clear with what you are saying. That means, that when you write, make sure people will understand your discussion. It does not need to have complex sentences if you cannot develop them effectively. What is more important is that you are clearly understood. The examiner will make allowances for any shortcomings that you have in sentence development but will not forgive you for confusing them with your lexical resources that confuse the presentation. Each essay is special in its own way. There is no such thing as one essay being better than the other. There is also no perfect formula for the highest score. You just need to do your best and make sure that the essay can be understood. You will be scored based on your existing and appropriate abilities. Don't let people tell you how to write. There is no right or wrong way of doing that. As long as you follow the instructions, you will be fine in terms of scoring.

Now, with regards to this essay, the prompt clearly indicates the type of discussion that you are to be presenting. That is, the extent of your agreement with the idea. Therefore, you are not to oppose or discuss the negative side in your essay. When they say "To what extent" your response should be "I support this idea to the extent that it will help both genders gain equal employment in a workplace." or something similar and then defend the stance of "equal employment in the workplace" in the succeeding discussions. You did not totally understand the prompt requirements when it came to the instructions as to how to discuss the essay. You did however, understand the topic presented. So, between that confusion in your opening statement and the misrepresentation of the discussion in the body of the essay, the breakdown for your score is as follows:

TA - 4
C&C- 4
LR - 5
GRA - 6

I have to remind you again that your personal statement in this type of essay must be seen throughout. You must take ownership by constantly indicating "I believe, my opinion, I assume, etc." in each paragraph since this is not a compare and contrast essay. You made a severe error by indicating another personal opinion in the conclusion. As I told you before, that is not allowed and you were marked down for it in this practice test.

@Holt

Thanks. I will write this essay again and hope your help.