, I will try giving feedback for your writing. Hopefully, these can finalize yours better.
Firstly, I wanna remind you that your job is writing task 2 of IELTS is to communicate with an examiner or readers, not to impress them. Honestly, I have found difficulty when I wanna follow your flow. You should construct your paragraph systematically. That was also aggravated by a large of misspellings. provide your time to double check your sentence. Believe me that can reduce your score when you conduct the real test of IELTS.
Secondly, in the essay, you have to explain your opinion detailed. You cannot throw the opinion, but there were not the supporting sentences.
it is considered that involving young people in unpaid work would prevent them from learning bad habits such as smoking and drug addiction
You were supposed to present the sentence strengthening your view about the matter.
Turning to the prompts given, you should elucidate the drawbacks for individual and community. However, you only bear to the individual solely. Actually, you review a few things which did not include in the prompt.I suggest you make brainstorming so that your explanation is sharp. After that, you should rewrite your conclusion. There is actually paraphrasing the thesis statement which had reviewed previously. Don't add the new topic in your conclusion because it can seem vague.
I really believe you can improve your ability on condition that you wanna practice again and again after you have review your mistakes.
Happy Writing, Good Luck