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IELTS (unpaid work is important for the young people?)

rozhnaz 7 / 15  
Feb 7, 2017   #1
people think that young people should be required to do unpaid work helping people in the community. Are disadvantages of this requirement greater than the benefits for the community and individuals?

not only fun - youngsters at work

Voluntary work by young people has its own positive and negative aspects. In fact, studing is the main task of teenagers to prepareing their homwork. Being involved in unpaid work could have some influence on their academic performance negatively . Despite of having some drawbacks, it could have some advantages for the individual and the society as a whole. Before proposing my opnion, i would like to clarrify the multiview of this statement in the following argumentative paragraphe.

It is a matter of debate that exposing young people to work enviroment could potentially have a unhealthy consequence on their behaviour. The possibilites of being exploited by the employers and possibly abused by other adult co-workers could leave serious impact on their personality. As well as, the youngsters are more vulnerable to be involved in the world of crime and drug abuse via interacting with other people out of their peer group. It is realistic, students have plenty of pressure of studing , having time for leisure activities and sport are needed to combat this type of stress.

In addition, it is considered that involving young people in unpaid work would prevent them from learning bad habits such as smoking and drug addiction. However, students can hone crucial life skills , time managment skill and get the work placement experience, which is wholly beneficial for their future careers. Meanwhile, it is a great opportunity to make a choice among various kinds of works, and students can gradually improve their abilities in an indicating job , which they are interested in. These advantages could have advantages for the society on long term.

To conclude, i consider that the young people should not be obliged to do unpaid work. The main option in their life should be their study and work hard to get academic achievement. Their sparetime should be advocated for entertaiment and sport activities.

adamrahimov 4 / 10 3  
Feb 7, 2017   #2
There are lots of spelling mistakes. Take just second sentence from introduction as an example: In fact,studing studying is the main task of teenagers to for ( to do something or for doing something) prepareing preparing their homwork homework Besides, this sentence and as well as most of other sentences are grammatically in correct. Additionally, your opening statement is long and repeat the same idea. First, you say that voluntary work has own its positive and negative aspects but after 2 sentences you repeats despite drawback it could have advantages. And this essay is advantage and disadvantage essay. You should analyse the benefits or drawbacks of something. You are not asked to agree o disagree or give a solution . For example, in conclusion statement, you shouldnot write I think it should not be compulsary. Intead you can write the drawbacks of compulsary unpaid works outweigh the benefits. And last thing, compulsary unpaid work does not mean voluntary work. ( How can voluntary work can be compulsary?)
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Feb 8, 2017   #3
Rozhnaz, apart from spelling and grammatical errors that have been mentioned by one of EssayForum members, I am sorry to say that this kind of essay might get only 4 or lower than that due to unrelated answer like what you have written above. You need to focus on what the question is about and how to answer that type of question. Please take a closer look on this prompt while I am analyzing your answer (introduction paragraph)

People think that young people should be required to do unpaid work helping people in the community. Are disadvantages of this requirement greater than the benefits for the community and individuals?

See? That is pretty obvious that the answer should be "Yes and why?" or "No and why?". Yet, the truth is that your answer is somehow circling around without having any clear stance on what side are you on. Choosing both sides equally might turn your essay away in the middle of nowhere. In the very last sentence of your introduction paragraph, you can just simply mention that 'This essay will discuss how crime related activities that are acquired from unpaid work can outweigh the benefits of having lots of experience.'

Hope this helps :)
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,607 2504  
Feb 8, 2017   #4
Runaki, you have failed the overall task accuracy for this test. That is because you improperly represented the discussion in your paraphrasing / overview paragraph as well as in your conclusion. Let us not even begin to point out the haphazard way that you wrote this essay. The careless in your spelling, the way that you did not even bother to proof read for errors in your work, and the way that you just did not seem to care to pass this practice test by treating it like an actual exam, has resulted in an overall failure of your scores for this test.

It is important Runaki, that you treat this test as you would the actual test because this is the only time you will have to make mistakes and perfect your possible score to the best of your abilities. This essay does not show any attempt on your part to achieve at least passing scores for most of the 4 criteria that you will be judged on. For your sake, I will not even tell you what possible score you can get for this work because I do not want to be unfair to you. I want to give you another chance to write the next practice test in the proper manner. Treat it like the real test. If you can pass the series of practice tests, your possibility of passing the actual test becomes better.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Feb 8, 2017   #5
Hello Rozhnaz, I will try giving feedback for your writing. Hopefully, these can finalize yours better.
Firstly, I wanna remind you that your job is writing task 2 of IELTS is to communicate with an examiner or readers, not to impress them. Honestly, I have found difficulty when I wanna follow your flow. You should construct your paragraph systematically. That was also aggravated by a large of misspellings. provide your time to double check your sentence. Believe me that can reduce your score when you conduct the real test of IELTS.

Secondly, in the essay, you have to explain your opinion detailed. You cannot throw the opinion, but there were not the supporting sentences.
it is considered that involving young people in unpaid work would prevent them from learning bad habits such as smoking and drug addiction

You were supposed to present the sentence strengthening your view about the matter.
Turning to the prompts given, you should elucidate the drawbacks for individual and community. However, you only bear to the individual solely. Actually, you review a few things which did not include in the prompt.I suggest you make brainstorming so that your explanation is sharp. After that, you should rewrite your conclusion. There is actually paraphrasing the thesis statement which had reviewed previously. Don't add the new topic in your conclusion because it can seem vague.

I really believe you can improve your ability on condition that you wanna practice again and again after you have review your mistakes.
Happy Writing, Good Luck
OP rozhnaz 7 / 15  
Feb 8, 2017   #6
Thank you very much for taking the time to review my essay. Your input and feedback are vitally important to me. I have felt my essay is perfect before reading your feedbacks. I can see my mistakes now:(.

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