Unveiling crimes using sophisticated technology

Nowadays, technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras). In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening.

Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

investigating people

Hitherto, the way to investigate people (by sound and image) gets easier by utilizing advanced technology such as wiretapping and camera recording. This will lead drawback for recording persons because they are not aware of such treatment, which will uncover their own privacy. However, I believe advantage outweigh disadvantage because in many cases this condition frequently reveals criminal activity.

Monitoring individuals while they perform such action will disrupt their private area, even without their knowledgeable. Due to the reason that persons have their own rights to undergo their lives without any disturbance from others, these persons are able to report who monitor them that take for granted any permissions because numerous countries have decided regulations toward human rights and personal matters. Therefore, it may end up with human right violation that should be retaliated by imprisoning.

Having said that, surveillance camera or cellphone tracking will divulge hidden offence activities. In many cases, this will truly happen in communities. A 2015 Kompas published that two third corruption cases were revealed by bugging with listening device, which will lead to know who were involved in such illegal actions. According to Sindo News (2014), 24 cases of residence robbing were disclosed by recording of CCTV (closed-circuit television) cameras of houses. Therefore, I am able to say this will benefit for societies and country in such cases of activity to uncover criminal activity.

To conclude, though technology may infringe private area of societies, it will be more positive when it comes to help police to detect invisible crime. To be predicted, it will lead greatly criminal matters to unveil in the future using sophisticated technology. (272 words)

Nur the possible score for this essay is 4. That is because you failed to accurately reflect the prompt requirements in terms of topic for discussion, your opinion on the matter along with supporting popular evidence. Your opening statement did not represent a prompt summary, rather, it represented an immediate discussion of your opinion, without a proper introduction to the topic and outline for the discussion development.

While your popular reasoning is sound, I would like you to stop using researched information, with proper citation in these practice tests. Just use your personal experience or commonly known information. In the exam proper, you will not have access to the internet as the exam center will be locked down to the LAN. Therefore, you should try to improve your practice tests based on the actual exam setting. There is no opportunity for you to use research materials, so don't practice using those non-existent elements in the exam center.

Hi Nur, please you review my corrections so that you don't fall in the same mistakes.
Actually, you can present the paraphrase of the statement well. however, the last sentence in the introductory paragraph confuse readers about what you are gonna explained in the body paragraph. In the first glance, that seemed a minor error. Nevertheless, after I read the whole sentence, it can appear multi-interpretation. Remember that the meaning of the sentence is paramount. You cannot write deliver the vocabulary to describe your mind without prioritizing the meaning.

Turning to your body paragraph, you picked up the disadvantage enough good, but your reason does not relate to that. You are supposed to explain the cause why you said that the device can distrupt the private area, not to review the right of people about the private area. It is enough far from the prompt. In the second body paragraph, I have found a odd sentence. The second sentence broke your flow because that sentence actually can be merge with the first sentence so that it can keep cohesion of your essay.

For the conclusion sentence, avoid adding the other subjek. You explained benefit for the police although you did not mention in the introduction and body paragraph. I remind you that only restate the thesis statement without the other explanation.

Hopefully, those can help more.
GOOD LUCK FOR YOUR ACTUAL TEST

Hi @Holt
thanks for your valuable feedbacks


is it not good to combine a prompt sentence to my idea of essay? Virtually, i merge those and i suppose that those including paraphrasing.


Actually, i try to implement academic writing pattern containing evidence of essay that i suppose is able to improve my score.

The opening statement is meant to always be an overview of the discussion provided, the instructions for discussion, and the outline of the discussion in the essay. You are not advised to include your opinion or any other information in the opening statement because that particular paragraph is not capable of allowing a complete discussion development due to the expected information presentation coming from that section of the essay. The evidence that you are to include in your essay should come from personal experience or popular information. Not from researched material as you did in this essay. I already explained why in my previous thread. I am trying to teach you how to properly write an essay that will help you to get a passing score. I hope you listen to my advice and apply it to your future work.

I agree that your opinion is presented early, before a proper introduction of your topic.

You make good arguments for why you believe that surveillance is warranted, while also discussing the disadvantage of lost privacy.

Your points may be clearer if there are fewer grammatical errors, but I thought it was a good effort.

Good luck to you!