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IELTS - Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects


msarkar 8 / 15  
May 12, 2014   #1
Hi All,

Can you please review the below essay and provide the score which I can expect from this writing?

Here is the essay topic:
Using a computer every day can have more negative than positive effects on children. Do you agree or disagree?

Here is what I have written:

In today's world, computer is an essential part of everyday life. Around the globe, the effect is evident on children also. It is disagreed that computer can affect children in a negative way if they use a computer on a daily basis. This will be proven by analyzing how computer assists children to use vast resources available over internet to study effectively as well as develop some basic skills which help them in future careers.

The best thing about internet is the availability of information in the form of text, image or video related to almost everything and through computer children can access internet to gather knowledge on the subjects they are studying or they are interested about. As an example, students preparing for delivering speech on a certain topic can browse through internet to learn each and every minute details of the subject matter. It's hard to get everything at a same place unless children are not familiar with computers. That is how, computer impacts children on a positive note.

Nowadays, computers enable people to prepare presentations, draw complex graphs and pictures, document thesis in a simple though efficient way. When children are allowed to play around with computer from a very early age, they get acquainted with the previously mentioned skills and become expert before facing professional world. For instance, students who used to prepare Microsoft PowerPoint presentation for their school projects, get an edge over others at an early stage of their career. From this, it's clear that computer has a positive effect on the children.

Following the demonstration of a computer's contribution in children's study and building skills which are to be used in their career afterwards, it is agreed that computer is a boon to children. However, parents should advise and guide their children properly so that they don't get misled.

Thanks in advance,
Mat

KellyChu 1 / 3  
May 12, 2014   #2
...if they use computers regularly...
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 12, 2014   #3
First, you need to have a more meaningful title in the Subject field when you open a fresh thread. This title has been attended by us and hope you would comply with this forum rule when you open future threads :)
OP msarkar 8 / 15  
May 12, 2014   #4
Hi Dumi,

Thanks for replying. In future I will give a meaningful title to the writing.

In my next essays, I will try to follow the format of introduction as suggested by you. Apart from that, what is your overall feedback? I wanted to get an idea about how far I am from band 7 or above in writing.

Hi Eddies,

Thanks for the comments. I will follow the outline for conclusion. But I am not quite clear about your feedback on introduction. It would be of great help if you can rephrase the introduction for me.

Thanks,
Mat
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
May 12, 2014   #5
Hi Dumi,
Thanks for replying. In future I will give a meaningful title to the writing.
In my next essays, I will try to follow the format of introduction as suggested by you. Apart from that, what is your overall feedback? I wanted to get an idea about how far I am from band 7 or above in writing.

.... well, let me give some of my thoughts too :)
Your overall approach for the essay looks good except for the intro. Follow dumi's approach for the intro when you do your next essay. However, the body paras look good. They contain the reasons for defending your view, plus the examples. The main weakness I find with your writing is that your sentences are too lengthy;

The best thing about internet is the availability of information in the form of text, image or video related to almost everything and through computer children can access internet to gather knowledge on the subjects they are studying or they are interested about.

.... such length disturbs the flow ... :(
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 12, 2014   #6
It would be of great help if you can rephrase the introduction for me.

Yes, sure :D
Here it is:
Children use computers both for recreation and education. Some people argue these devices have affected children's social skills in negative ways. Some others claim that children are motivated to learn faster and better with computers. Therefore, I too agree that computers encourage children's study performance and promote parental involvement.

The best thing about internet

can browse through internet to learn each and every minute details of the subject matter

These ideas come out nowhere.Pay particular attention to the prompt as to put an accurate interpretation on your IELTS essay.

I wanted to get an idea about how far I am from band 7 or above in writing.

Here is my advice:Read as many IELTS writings/ authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.
Misnariah Idrus 19 / 35 4  
May 12, 2014   #7
It is disagreed that computer can affect children in a negative way if they use a computer on a daily basis.

You should avoid to use "computer" twice in one sentence. Try to make a referencing.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 12, 2014   #8
Try to make a referencing.

Misnariah Idrus... Referencing is good, but in this case, I agree with the writer who keeps the word a computer. Remember: Keep the original word as to avoid doing Faulty reference of a pronoun
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 13, 2014   #9
Hi Dumi,
Thanks for replying. In future I will give a meaningful title to the writing.
In my next essays, I will try to follow the format of introduction as suggested by you. Apart from that, what is your overall feedback? I wanted to get an idea about how far I am from band 7 or above in writing.

.... good :)

As an example, a student who isstudents preparing for deliveringto deliver a speech on a certain topic can browse through internet to learn each and every minute details of the subject matter.gather necessary information to prepare his or a her speech. It's hard to get everything at a same placehave access to such vast information unless children are not familiar with using computers.


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