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Using mobile phones and computers people are losing the the ability to communicate face to face. A/D

yr94108120 1 / 1  
Jun 23, 2020   #1
More people are using mobile phones and computers to communicate. Therefore people are losing the ability to communicate face to face.

Agree or disagree?

In recent years, the attitudes towards mobile phone and computers have undergone a seismic shift in the general public, most likely as a result of the development of intelligent technology. Some of them claim that those IT products cause us to gradually lose their communication ability with each other. When it comes to me, I would like to say this view is acceptable to some extent mainly because of the following reasons.

Those people against using those IT products base on their brief on the fact that it poses a threat to the desire and the skills of the communication face to face. Firstly, some young people gradually lessen conversation with others around because of overly using the cell phone. Plenty of evidence can be found in our daily life to support this, the main one being that a group of teenagers sitting together often exchange information to the others around them with Facebook or Twitter. Secondly, there is a definite link between the lack of speech skills and using those IT products frequently. A recent survey admissioned by Victoria State Government confirms that many college students concern about the performance in the final exam because of the over-dependence of computers. It is, therefore, manifests that those IT products have a detrimental influence on the ability of the communication face to face.

Mobile phone and computers, on the other hand, pose a positive effect on the efficiency of communication. The other words, many of us have a computer. If we chat with different friends in different countries at the same time, for example, then some programs, like zoom or Webex, can realize our needs immediately. In addition, the cell phone is an economical way to keep our family relations more compactly.

In conclusion, although the mobile phone and computers are beneficial to our life to some extent, it does harm to the ability of the communication face to face. This issue about mobile phone and computers will become even significantly more than ever before, thus it deserves our further consideration.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,816 2619  
Jun 23, 2020   #2
You totally changed the discussion slant for this essay. You turned a simple agree or disagree essay into an extent essay. That shows a lack of understanding of the discussion instructions. Then, you did not properly paraphrase the original prompt, which means you did not understand the topic for discussion. This will tell the reviewer that your English comprehension skills are not that good. A proper restatement of this prompt would have been:

The general population have come to rely heavily on gadgets to help them converse with one another. It is believed that this trend has resulted in a lack of personal communication skills. I tend to agree with this belief for a couple of reasons.

From that point, kick of each of the 2 reasoning paragraphs with a topic sentence. That will show a conviction or belief in the side that you support. It will also prove that you understand what the discussion requires you to present.

You must double check your word choices. Remember, you are scored on the accuracy of your word usage. You mistakenly used the word brief, which means "of a short duration" when you actually meant to say "belief", meaning "an opinion or belief". Also, a survey is "commissioned", not "admissiioned", These are the type of word errors that would lead to a failing LR score.

Based on the most basic review of your essay, there are already 2 reasons why your essay will find it difficult to achieve a failing score. You should not be focused on a large word count when the grammar, LR, and clarity of your essay are suffering because of it. The highest scoring essays are actually the ones that come in between 275-290 words, with a clear explanation, proper vocabulary usage, and good grammar presentations.
OP yr94108120 1 / 1  
Jun 23, 2020   #3
@Holt, thank for your opinion, it is very useful for me. I will revise the essay as you said to me. Thank you very much! I just want to know one point: "agree or disagree" essay means both body1 and body2 should be present the positive side, or body1 shows the reasonability in your opinion, meanwhile, body2 describes from the reasonability in your disagreement? which way do you suggest? Or the above two ways are both OK? Hope your feedback, thank you!

Because I surf the high score essay sample in IELTS in the website. What I said above in the second situation often be seen, instead, there are rare situations that both body1 and body2 present the reasonability about your agreement.
Elsa 4 / 7 3  
Jun 28, 2020   #4
Here are some comments:
- Your essay is wordy, at least 250 worlds and better to write less than 300 worlds
- Try to write your body paragraph in balance. You might try the simple pattern; only state 1 idea in each body paragraph. State your idea, give explanation, and then support it with any example.

- If we chat with different friends in ... I don't think this this sentence is clear enough to explain the terms of efficiency of communications.

Here I try to write the simple example:
Mobile phone and computer pose a positive effect on the efficiency of communication. Using those sophisticated technology might give an opportunity for many people to communicate with their relatives or colleagues who live separately. This innovation would be inexpensive because they do not need to purchase any accommodation to travel around for the precious meeting. Although I live in the different city with my parents because of educational purpose, I still have capabilities to have my intense communication through social media, such as WhatsApp, Skype and sometimes Zoom for joining family gathering.

Good luck :)

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