IELTS - watching events on television? - 'comfort of home'

Here is my essay ? Looking out for a feedback from IELTS assessment point of view -

Live performance offers once in a life time experience. Nowadays, live events are in high demand due to their increasing popularity. Most of us would like to see their favorite player or artist performing live but not all of us get to experience it may be due to lack of time or resources. I agree most of us would like to experience events live but still there are some of us who prefer to watch it on television from comfort of home.

Due to increasing popularity of live events, people often would like to experience it, because of spectacular view it offers and on various occasion some people get a chance to see and meet their favorite players or artist. For example, soccer world cup organized at South Africa in the year 2010 had a phenomenal success.

Live events are always a delight to watch but some of us just miss out on these opportunities due to insufficient time or other reasons. For example, some people could not get a day off from their work. Also, some of us could not buy tickets because tickets were sold out or were unaffordable.

However, there are people who really do not like watching live events. Firstly, some prefer to enjoy peace and convenience television offer to watch such events from home.

Secondly, some are scared to go in a crowded place due to fear of stampede, infections or any other discomfort. Further to add, television advantages can never be underestimated as one can enjoy such events while working from home which saves on valuable time and money.

To conclude, watching live shows or events offers to an extent thrill and adventure but watching them on television is always an option if one prefer comfort or miss out on opportunity.

This is a very good piece it makes the reader want to read more. It was very educational :)

Are you writting/ practicing for an IELTS, if you want another topic here is a good one with a sample
- Modern Society, here are some points you could talk about our society and how modern development has changed our planet<

Hope it helps

Hi,

I think you have provided good arguments for and against the idea of watching live musical events. So keep on putting interesting ideas on your writing.

However, just a piece of advice from me that you may need to work more on creating your own style or structure of your essays. Focus on things like topic sentence, supporting sentences and concluding sentence at the paragraph level. It is better to have 2 supporting paragraphs which are fully developed than three but they are short and not well developed in the sense that supporting sentences do not really do their job in giving a viewer a clear idea of the topic sentence.

All the best