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Water used for different purposes in six wide territories all over - IELTS. ACADEMIC WRITING, TASK 1

dolcedi 1 / -  
Jul 13, 2016   #1
Please read and comment) If it's possible, please also give a score.

The pie charts illustrate percentage of water consumption for three purposes in six parts of the world.

Noticeably, in countries of northern hemishphere, particularly in North America and Europe, half of the water used
is aimed on industrial purposes. This is no surprise, considering developed industry and advanced economy of these states.

Also, it's seen from the pie charts that regions such as Africa, Central Asia and South East Asia predominantly
consume water for agricultural use, which constitutes more than 80% of the total water usage. This kind of high
dependence on agriculture can be explained with cultural background of these nationalities and the climate conditions suitable for arable farming.

Though similarly to Africa and South East&Central Asia, the usage of water prevailingly has its agricultural purpose (71%) , the people of South America suprisingly are the leaders in domestic use of water (19%) across the world.

Generally from the pie charts it is explicitly can be deduced that in all parts of the world water is mostly used for agriculture and industry.

seconddaniel 2 / 3 1  
Jul 13, 2016   #2
I think your writing is perfect.
Just one little thing, the word, "Half"
48% and 53% is not exactly indicating half, so how about using "around half" when you describe the usage of water in North America and Europe?
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 15, 2016   #3
Dinara, I would like to try to asses you based on IELTS writing band descriptors of Task 1. I hope that my assessment would be as accurate as the real one. I will try to be as objective as possible. You can see the complete feedback below.

Task Achievement:
- You have generally addressed the task but unfortunately, the format was in inappropriate place. You need to remember that in task 1 you are not allowed to give your opinion. "This is no surprise" is one of them. It makes your essay have a tendency to focus on details. Therefore, it is unfortunate that for this aspect you can only get 5.0.

Coherence and Cohesion:
- You have presented information with some organization but it is unfortunate that the organization was quite scrambled. Also, your cohesive devices were inadequate. This also makes this part cannot go further than 5.0.

Lexical Resource:
- Due to the additional opinion from your essay, some of your lexical resource that comes from your opinion are not counted. This was minimally adequate for the task. Some spelling errors like "hemishphere = hemisphere, and suprisingly = surprisingly" were not impede the communication. It is more likely that you can still reach 5.5 in this part.

Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
- It is unfortunate that you have only used limited range of structures. You have attempted complex sentences but these tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. Thus, 5.0 will be your score.

Overall, I think this essay is worth 5.0 or if the examiner is really kind, I think 5.5 will be awarded to this essay. My suggestion for the next practice is that please read more sample answers in many IELTS websites, such as IELTSbuddy.com, IELTSadvantage.com, and many more. I believe that it would be helpful towards your writing skill development. Good luck for the next practice :)

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