Wealthy countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employees who are from poor areas

Dear mentors,
please evaluate my essay and give your precious suggestion to improve my writings.
thanks in advance for your time and kindness.

I am trying to improve my writing up to the level that secure my band 7.5

Rich countries should allow jobs for skilled and knowledgeable employees who are from poor countries. Do you agree or disagree? (Cambridge 10)

allowing employment for poor countries workers

A discussion has been presented regarding the talented workers from the third world countries should be employed in affluent part of the world. This employment contributes in reducing the poverty as either an accepted or an unaccepted issue in the modern age. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons as to why I am in strong agreement with this proposal.

Creating employment opportunities in developed nations for qualified worker, who live in under developed regions, are one of effective ways to help their country economy. When the workers are employed in the developed areas, they will able to spend more on their families who live in their home countries. Ultimately, their earnings become a remittance of their countries. Such increase in national revenues leads a growth in economy. Henceforth, such employment in wealthy areas must be bringing affluence for the less privilege regions.

In addition, allowing the kind of employments is also convenient in terms of cost for foreign employers. By such employment, they can avoid the conducting training, which are mostly time-intensive. It implies that when affluent parts of the world offer employment for skilled workers of poor nations, they can make the reduction of cost in certain segments, giving the rise to the gross profit of their corporations. Eventually, an increase in the profit in any corporation contributes in the country economy.

To conclude, it is evident that hiring workers from deprived nations also plays a pivotal role in boosting the poor economy. However, it also works for sustainable economic growth for the blooming nations. In this regards, I totally agree that the knowledgeable workers of undeveloped countries should be more employed by advanced countries.

@sfiza, in my opinion, this essay will score between a 5 and a 6 due to some problems with the essay presentation. The first problem with the essay is the opening statement. The first sentence lacks a topic reference. You tried so hard to impress the reviewer with your flowery language that you lost sight of the topic for discussion and that your presentation was not in accordance with the original prompt presentation. In reference to the original prompt presentation, you also forgot that this is not an "emotional" essay but a mere "opinion" essay. So the emotional strength of your agreement is misplaced. Here is a sample of how this prompt restatement should have gone:

There is an ongoing discussion regarding the ability of rich countries to employ talented workers from underprivileged nations. The opinion is that the rich regions should hire these working people because they are capable of accomplishing the tasks. In this essay, I will present reasons that will support my agreement with this point of view.

Your supporting paragraphs are strong, logical, but developed with faults that often prevent you from conveying the meaning of the sentence / paragraph. Try to avoid using interconnected statements though and provide individual sentences instead. The tendency will be for you to create run-on sentences in those instances and that will affect the GRA rating of your essay. Practice developing your sentences because you have a problem in structuring these in a coherent manner.

The concluding statement is also strong, but carries an "emotional" response again, which, like I said above, is unnecessary in the presentation. Overall though, you did a pretty good job. Keep writing at this level and improving your word sources and sentences so that you can gain the 7.5 score that you are aiming for. It looks like you are well on your way to doing just that.