It is a well-known fact that in many countries children are hired in paid work.

Can you give me all your suggestions about this essay and the average score, please.

It is a well-known fact that in many countries children are hired in paid work. Some people consider this as completely correct, while the others regard this as a valuable work experience, significant for learning and taking responsibilities. As such, it is worth asking if children should be employed. Personally, I think they should.

On the one hand, work influences well on the younger generation, because it helps them to be adapted to their adulthood. Moreover, children become more self-confident and independent. For instance, John Rockefeller started work at the age of seven. John was selling turkeys and at the end of his life he earned 336 billion dollars (inflation-adjusted). To sum up, work can make child's character and develop his capabilities.

On the other hand, many people hold the opinion that juvenile labour causes only negative things. These include an increased high school dropout rate, drug and alcohol abuse. Employers, however, are the only one who benefits from hiring an under-aged person, enjoying a cheap and effective labour. They also opine that employment of children is always dangerous and harmful for the next generations. Because of child labour, minors will fail to get proper education and they will feel the lack of children's activities.

Eventually, work brings much more positive experience however it is more useful when the working experience is accompanied by the college or university studies.

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Hi Maxim, I believe that this could have the potential to gain a band score of 6. It offers a somewhat coherent discussion of the essay and presents appropriate evidence, even though that evidence may not be the most up to date information that could be presented. I did find a number of flaws in your essay though.

Let's take a look at the introduction first. Though you presented both sides of the argument, you did not clearly state your opinion. You sounded off an agreement in the sentence but did not reflect what you were agree to. Was it the pro or the con? When developing your opening statement, keep in mind that you need to clearly indicate your response to the prompt (when required) as a personal opinion as it is an integral part of the essay discussion.

Next, your use of John Rockefeller as an example is good since he founded one of the richest families in America. However, he is too historical for the pop culture crowd. Try to present examples from the current era in order to make a connection with the reader and show that you understand the applications of the prompt to modern times.

Since your opinion was asked for, you should have had an extra paragraph in there that discussed your personal opinion, based upon your personal information or beliefs. The lack of that discussion showed that you did not completely understand the prompt requirements and therefore, affected the final score.

Your conclusion is also flawed as you presented a single thought process as a single sentence when the required paragraph number is 3 -5. Had you managed to follow the instructions more completely, you would have gotten a higher score.

It is awell-known fact generally known that in ...

... as completely correct, while the others regard this ...

As such, it is worth asking if children should be employed. Personally, I think they should. => It is hard to understand

On the one hand, work influences well on the younger generation, because it helps ...

Moreover, children become more self-confidentconfident and independent. For instance, John Rockefeller started to work at ...

To sum up, work can make child's characterhelp to build character on children and develop histheir capabilities.