IELTS Task 2: Women and Men Commonly Having Different Strengths and Weakness

Hi, my name is Dini Maulana, and i'm IELTS Student
I need feedback in term of task achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, grammatical range and accuracy

excluding males or females from certain work

Women and Men are Commonly seen as having different strengths and weakness. Is it right to exclude males or females from certain professions because of their gender?

Traditionally, it is evident that the gender discrimination is the primary issue in the vast of majority occupations inasmuch as men an women have different ability. Despite this, I would like argue in this essay that it is wrong to refrain a certain gender from particular jobs. Gender equality and common believe that success not depend on the gender are the two main reason of this problem.

Tome people make present traditional arguments regarding to the suitability of former post and some others of the latter, but in today's world modern era teaches them otherwise. every person has their own right to decide their life pattern. Male and female have equal chance to achieve their full potential, for the economy to utilize their skill and productivity at the workforce and for society to increase social cohesion. According to BusinessWorld, an equal opportunity for Filipino women in the workplace in society could translate into a 7% increase in the country's economic growth approximately $40 billion a year by 2025 since the government declared their new regulation about gender equality in 2017.

In addition, never does gender affect a person's success because some individuals believe that a great effort is the main reason to lead human become successful persons. Therefore,there is no prohibition for women to improve their own capability in particular professions as long as they able to tackle it properly and responsible for what they have been selected. for instance, a 2014 recent report from Sport Ministry of Indonesia revealed that the number of women athletes boxing of Indonesia climbed up significantly since Asian Games event happened in 2016. This is because they have a tendency to think that every single people has the same proportion to develop their skill.

To sum up, it is not right to exclude males and females in certain work field because there are more advantages to allow both genders to have the freedom of their job preference. if people want to reach their goals they must work hard since big effort is the crucial aspect to be a successful person, not gender.

You have some grammatical errors in the first and third paragraph.
For example, it is evident that gender (without "the"); would like argue (like to); common believe that success not (belief, does not); human become (to become); since Asian (the Asian); every single people has (person, not people).

Dini, let's start with the grammatical problems in your essay. You have made a grammatical error regarding word usage in the following sentence:

as menanwomen have different ability
- you were making a comparison of two genders therefore it is not "an" but "and". In addition, "ability" is singular but since you are discussing two genders, the plural form "abilities" should be used.

- I would like argue
- would like TO argue
- There should be a change in the plain verb form

There are also clarity problems in the essay which relate to your word choice usage. Since those problems are only presentational in effect, I have opted not to point those out in the essay. The word usage does not change the meaning of the sentence or paragraph anyway.

Your prompt paraphrase is confusing in presentation and does not accurately depict a retelling of the original discussion and its direct response requirements. This should have been written as:

Males and females are often seen as having a specific skillset that one excels in over the other. That is why some professions, such as those that rely on physical strength and dexterity, tend to exclude either the man or woman from the performance of work tasks. In my opinion, excluding either gender based on a gender abilities cannot be considered right.

You need to be careful when you write words and make sure to review your essay before submitting. A "Tome" is a a book, especially a large, heavy, scholarly one. While "To me" is a direct reference to the writer. It is the latter that you wish to depict in your writing.

You have included research information in this essay. It is not possible to complete internet based research during the actual test since this a pen and paper exam. There will not be any reference materials available and even if there were, 40 minutes to complete the writing will prevent you from doing research. Again, use only personal knowledge and experience for any and all discussions. It is not about the accuracy of the information but the ability to write in English that is being scored in this essay. Keep your sentence short as you have a tendency to create multiple run-on sentences in one paragraph.