Women should work (paragraph)

it is an undeniable fact that working women are in a more powerful position than they used to be First and most important reason why women should work that it is difficult for an even elementary family to make a living by just one person's working. Secondly, women who are dependant on men financially, lose their freedom and can not find their way into social life. For instance, even if some non-working women exposed to domestic violence by their husband, as they do not have the financial means to support themselves or their children, they prefer enduring violence instead of divorcing. Thirdly, working women has a possitive effect on psychology and behaviour of children. Children of working women start doing their own work by themselves from childhood as compared to children of non-working mother. To illustrate, if the children of non-working woman need a toy or a cloth they ask their mother to give them that toy. So they become fully dependant on their mother as their mother is easily available to them. Finally, whereas non-working women stay with their children for the whole day, working women pass the half of the day out. Thus, they might feel more attached to her children and wife. To sum up, working is indispensable to all women.

I am a new learner of english, please help me on my mistakes.
Thanks.

dependent isn't it?

I think your idea is pretty clear, the way you convey your reason is, too. But I think your paragraph just has too many ideas, causing the overload of intake for the readers. I suggest combine the first and second reason into one, might be better don't you think? Maybe you should elaborate on 3 or maximum 4 supporting ideas.

well this is just a matter of personality, but I think if you can write this into a full essay would be much better (yeah I know that it only requires to be a paragraph)

And remember to add the kind of test you are in for better assessment, next time will you?

Sure... first, you need to tell us why you wrote this essay? What had been the purpose? IELTS? TOEFL? Mention your purpose in the title itself :) Then include your full essay prompt in the post so that we get a good understanding about what it requires from you.

For any essay, you need to have an introduction which would introduce the topic to the reader.

Hi Mr. Dumi,

Thanks for your answer. First of all, My purpose of writting this paragraph is neither IELTS or TOFEL. I am a student of English linguistics at first class. I am supposed to write an persuasive paragraph about "women should work" Cause my english is not good, I thought that it will be good for me to share it with members of essay forum family.

Thanks :)

Yes, it is quite logical, thanks:)

Hi Mr Dumi. I have shared my paragraph here before give it teacher. İf my teacher see it here , it is not going to be fine for me :) :) I am going to give it to my teacher next week. It is possible to delete it now ? As soon as it is graded by teacher, I will share it again and also my other paragraphs. Thanks.