English Essay writing skills exercise
Looking for your kind help my TEENAGER students to improve their English Essay writing skills
Hi everyone, one of my students has written an essay as belowed. I have made certain corrections for her, but I would like to get your kind help to give comments and more corrections to it so as to help her to improve its quality.
Thank you and we are looking forward to receiving your kind replies.
Here is the topic: "We live in a world of technology these days. While the internet brings it clear advantages, the problems in terms of control and security of information outweigh the advantages.
To what extent do you agree?"
It is true that technology has completely changed our world today. While I believe that our lives are significantly benefited from the Internet, I agree that it has some particular security and control troubles.
On the one hand, the Internet plays an important role in our lives for some reasons. The first reason is that it contains an enormous source of information that may be useful for us. For example, if you wonder about something, just by one click on Google, you will have a various package of topics you want. Furthermore, thanks to the Internet, you can also approach different kinds of education that help you obtain more knowledge easier and more efficiently. The second reason is that it provides us with plenty of types of entertainment such as movies, music, plays, video games and so on which can help you relax after working hard.
On the other hand, besides the advantages, Internet users may be put at risk incredibly and astonishingly. Firstly, with access to billions of computers, cyber criminals or hackers do not need to make much effort to hack users' accounts for stealing their personal information and money. Secondly, it is complicated to control information on social media. Every day, there is a maze of fake news and advertisements on a lot of websites which causes difficulties for online community members in sorting out relevant and trustworthy facts and figures.
In conclusion, the Internet has undoubtedly made a great impact on our lives. However, it has some detrimental effects including the issues of control and security.You need to explain more in the first paragraph like in what ways the privacy invasions are happening. While it is important to portray the advantages of technology, you must give more examples of disadvantages in the third paragraph as the prompt asks you to what extend you agree with the disadvantages caused and expects you to make a clear stand. You may end the essay explaining how the disadvantages can be overcome.
