Information technology and changing world
You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.
Write about the following topic:
Information technology enables many people to do their work outside their workplace (e.g. at home, when travelling, etc.).
Do the benefits of this mobility outweigh the disadvantages?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
Write at least 250 words.
As the world is changing day by day, information technology really changes how people do their work from inside a workplace like an office or a school to literally everywhere that has an internet connection. Although its still require you to have a computer or a phone, you can still doing your jobs while going out with your friends or at a coffee shop with more freedom and change of work places.
On one hand, working too much from a computer or a phone may cause you some eye problems such as near-sightedness or dry eyes. Looking too long on a blue screen makes your eyes really work and may cause Computer Vision Syndrome, a common syndrome in office staff or people who work with computers a lot. Also, sitting in front of a computer for too long might cause diseases related to not working enough like hemorrhoids,etc...
However, working with a computer may cause some health problems. It also has a lot of advantages. The first advantage has to be the convenience, you can carry your work anywhere, you don't even have to be in the same country but can still work from far away. For instance, in the covid lock down, we can still work or study from home without having to go out and face the risk of getting infected.
In conclusion, although using gadgets may cause you some health problems, as long as you can control it and not look at the screen for too long, information technology really gives humans the ability to work from wherever they are. I believe that it definitely outweighs the drawbacks of problems with health.
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The direct question being asked in the prompt requires a direct response in the writer's opinion, with the proper build up of the discussion topics to follow. That is because the question is part of the clarity of opinion consideration for the paragraph. When the writer does not provide a direct response to the question, the paragraph is incomplete and cannot be given a passing score. The inclusion of the writer's opinion in the concluding statement would have been correct had it not focused on the topic of health as the drawback idea. Remember that the response to the question has to be presented twice. Once in the introduction to the topic and thesis statement.
Do not use etc. to close any sentence in the task 2 task. That is because it leaves a sentence open ended rather than closed, specially when used at the end of a paragraph.
On one hand
These are incorrect connecting devices as these represent opposing idea presentations. The 2 paragraphs are actually connected topics so it would have been better to say "For starters" and then "Additionally" (for example). Or, even better, use topic sentences to launch the paragraphs so that the examiner will immediately understand what the paragraph will be about and he can assess if the topics are related in consideration of the transition device score.
The outline of the essay is great, but I believe that in 40 minutes the ideas could have been developed a little more. On the introduction, you forget to state your thesis clearly
I would substitute the sentence "However, working with a computer may cause some health problems. It also has a lot of advantages." for " Despite the use of computers being a potential cause for many health problems, its advantages are undeniable". A good use of vocabulary can take your writing to the next level !
Overal I like this essay!