Write a paragraph about your accomlishment you have had

persistency and sense of confidence

My success as to be at the top of class help me develop many different important qualities. First of all, I've got a highly developed my sense of confidence. Since I was little child, I was naturally getting shy. Because I was really not good in studying at my primary school, I didn't make friend with anyone in my class and talk to them. But my life has changed when I went to Hồ chí minh city and began a new life at a high school which is near my living area. I was determined to study very hard so as to be at the top of my class. And, eventually I made it at the end of the first year, I was in the first class. I was so proud of myself while I talked to my accomplishment with my classmate that makes me have lots of friends. Futher more, It can't be denied that the persistent is one of factors for my success. During the award ceremony, I remembered the time how hard I tried when I was studying by myself at home. I just spent three hours on sleeping at every night, at times I wanted to give it up, but on the second thought I still keep going. After that considerable success, I realised that people might be develop our good characters through resolving difficulties to accomplish goals in the life.

I think firstly you must revise your grammar and usage of words making people get wrong when they reading your mini-essay:
I neither make friend ... class nor talk to them

I was in the first class => I ranked the first in my class
...
And another problem is your content of the essay: your accomplishment isn't described in detail with more information like: how did you try to get this award, what burdens did deter you throughout your process and how worth it is to your life etc

Do better next time

@Honglinh1996
Given that you are only given a paragraph, I would opt that you try to be straightforward and yet detailed. You can accomplish this through creating more concise content that does not beat-around-the-bush (so to say).

In terms of the technical composition, I can revise certain portions as:
My recent success is being at the top of the class; this has helped me develop a lot of qualities. Firstly, I developed a sense of confidence. [...] But my life changed when I began a new life for high school in Ho Chi Minh. [...] And eventually, I was in the first class by the end of the year. I was proud of my accomplishment, talking to my peers about it. This helped me gain friends. Furthermore, I cannot deny that persistence is a factor in my success. [...] I spent only three hours sleeping every night. Although I wanted to give up, I was determined to keep going.

Try to be more specific with the way that you phrase things. If you can evade mentioning the same words over and over again, it will be better for your essay. Always look for synonymous lines that have form-fitting structures that are more academically in line with your overall text.

Best of luck!