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WRITTING TEST PART 2 - TECHNOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS


hoanghuuhuan248 1 / 1  
Jul 5, 2019   #1
improvement in the science, electronics

Hi! Thanks for reading! I really want to score IELTS Writing 6.5. Everyone helps me to achieve my goal! Many thanks and appreciates

EARLY TECHONOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS BROUGHT MORE BENEFITS AND CHANGES TO THE LIVES OF ORDINARY PEOPLE THAN RECENT TECHONOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENTS. WHAT IS YOUR OPINION?

There is a hot discussion between early and recent technological developments, which will bring more advantages to people. Everybody has their own thinkings. In my opinion, they all give benefits from their styles and make life more comfortable and convenient.

As for the early technological developments, it built a big step to change the world from the agricultural era to industrial time. That leads to the birth of many manufactories, machines and devices, which helps human in work. For example, the born of the farming machine, the farmers, in the past, waste many time to harvest plants on the big fields, leading to the quantity of product is low. So the farming machines are manufactured to save time and increase the quality and quantity of results. The farmer's lives are more developed. Moreover, the plane is the most significant creation of human, heavy materials can be carried and transferred to a long distance. Not only that but also reduce time to go abroad. Furthermore, the born of the motor turbine, telephone, electricity and artificial light (lightbulbs) also brings benefits to people. Hence, the old developments are seen as the wings between two periods of era.

Regarding the recent technological developments, it establishes a new perception of the human being. New machines come out not only be used but also be fashion. For example, iPhone was created in 2007 by Steve Jobs, the very first smartphone with touch screen and one button, which is like a boom in handheld gadget development and every people always want to have one. At this time, iPhone is now becoming a piece of luxurious jewelry and bring respect from others to ownership. Following with iPhone, it is the internet. This is a digital good can connect people internationally without caring for geographical distance and bring the in-time updated news from over the world to your home. Nowadays, the industry 4.0 target to the automatical era with artificial intelligence to make life easier and happier.

In conclusion, both early and recent development have their own benefits but they still give human comfort and convenience. Additionally, the life style will be improved to be better with modern devices.

Thanks for reading again. I need your feedback to improve my skill. Thank you very much

Maria [Contributor] - / 490 214  
Jul 6, 2019   #2
@hoanghuuhuan248
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. I hope you find the feedback you're looking for here. I'll try my best to help you.

Firstly, for the first paragraph of the body, you need to work on the structure and flow. Try to take it step by step with simplified structures over attempting to overcomplicate the dynamics of the content. Doing this will help you curate more structure and flow in your writing.

The third paragraphs first sentence is quite off-putting. Revise it and use a simpler overall tone.

Try to also evade using vague adjectives when describing.

What do you mean by AI making life happier and easier? Use synonymous terms that are packed with more meaning.

Best of luck.
OP hoanghuuhuan248 1 / 1  
Jul 7, 2019   #3
@Maria
Hi Maria, I give you many thanks for helping me with this. Hope I can receive your feedback in some next topic


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