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IELTS (task 2) A year break for traveling or work before joining university.


Neeta 5 / 38  
Apr 15, 2011   #1
I'll be highly obliged if somebody can correct my essay and possibly provide feedback. For this essay, what band will I get?

Topic- "In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this."

In recent years, taking a year break after completing high school is a common phenomena among youngsters. Some advocate young adults should be restricted from taking this attempt. However, many believe it is a very good scope for young minds to ground their feet. This essay will look at disadvantage and advantage for youngsters to work or travel for a year in between graduating high school and starting university studies.

Its often argued that a year gap will not benefit youngster. Opponents, think that young generation are more likely to have inadequate education because many find it hard to restart with academic qualification. A large percent of this group either drops out from university or struggles to scope up with the standards set by the university, were as some finds the work more interesting which gives them an opportunity to earn. Refuters, also believe that the time period between completing high school and joining university is more than sufficient for young people to discover the world or to understand functioning of corporate world.

Nevertheless, a year break broadens the horizon for young adults as they become more confident, knowledgeable, and productive. It also helps them to identity the right program at the university which eventually opens a gateway to new job opportunities, that was unknown to us earlier. Where as, many of them get a chances to save money font only for the university tuition fee but also to bear living expense during their stay at university.

Although, there are undoubtably some problems with the idea of youngsters taking a year break yet, I strongly feel, this approach is right. It gives young mind enough time to defuse confusion and think clear about future and giving us a better civilization generation.

ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Apr 15, 2011   #2
Hi Neeta
As I see here and some of your comments your english is pretty good and in this essay your work is very decent. I am not entering to your grammar or vocabulary, but I would like to talk more about the structure of your writing, especially its "Coherence"

your introduction is very good with exeption of the some issues which seems to be a matter of different taste. I believe it is better at the end is better not to say " This essay will look at ..."

Watch the unity and logical order in your following paragraph.

Its often argued that a year gap will not benefit youngster. Opponents, think that young generation are more likely to have inadequate education (ARGUMENT) because many find it hard to restart with academic qualification,( REASON) .. A large percent of this group either drops out from university or struggles to scope up with the standards set by the

university (RESULT OR SOLUTIONS OR EXAMPLES).

THEN YOU SHOULD BRING SOME EXAPLE OR INFORMATION TO CLOSE YOUR ARGUMENT THEN GO TO THE NEXT ARGUMENTS
SUCH AS :
"this one year gap can give them the opprtunity to advance their knowledge about the university life and education."
were as some finds the work more interesting which gives them an opportunity to earn. I did not get this part, you might mean "whereas some find..." that means you should bring arguments contrary to the information in previous sentence. It should be like your previous sentence with (ARGUMENT, REASON, RESULT OR SOLUTION OR EXAMPLE)

Refuters, also believe that the time period between completing high school and joining university is more than sufficient for young people to discover the world or to understand functioning of corporate world.

WHAT DO YOU WANT WITH REFUTERS? DO YOU MEANS THOSE YOU MENTIONED AT THE BEGINING OF THE PARAGRAPH?
HERE YOU SHOULD HEVE THE ARGUMENT,RESON, RESULT OR SOLUTION OR EXAMPLE.


I found your second paragraph a good examples of the missing part in previous paragraph.

In your coclusion you stated your opinion, an extra information that was not asked in the title. you should write justabout what they asked, otherwise you will lose your point.

As I told your grammar and vocabulary are perfect, what you need is a coherent structure.

Keep on writing and good luck\

Aria
OP Neeta 5 / 38  
Apr 16, 2011   #3
@ARIA- Thanks Aria.

Can you please spare some minutes to see the correction I brought in. Pls

Refuter-used instead of "opponent"

"whereas...."-do you think "and" is more suitable

"Nevertheless, a year break broadens the horizon for young adults as they become more confident, knowledgeable, and productive. It also helps them to identity the right program at the university which eventually opens a gateway to new job opportunities, that was unknown to us earlier. Where as, many of them get a chances to save money not only for the university tuition fee but also to bear living expense during their stay at university."- Nevertheless, a large group supports the idea of a year break as it broadens the horizon of young adults as they become more confident, knowledgeable, decision-maker and productive. Young mind, which were confused earlier gets a chances to identity the right program before joining university and to prepare financial budget to bearing tuition fee and other expenses during their stay at university. Therefore, I believe reasons to seek a year break is justified.

"Although, there are undoubtedly some problems with the idea of youngsters taking a year break yet, I strongly feel, this approach is right. It gives young mind enough time to defuse confusion and think clear about future and giving us a better civilization generation."- Although, there are undoubtedly some problems with the idea of youngsters taking a year break yet, I strongly feel, this approach is right because this gives access to young adults, to think in right frame of mind about their future and plan accordingly.

Regards
Neeta

@REAL FROG- Thanks Turbina. I'll keep in mind to follow structure.

Regards
Neeta
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 16, 2011   #4
@REAL FROG- Thanks Turbina. I'll keep in mind to follow structure.

It's fog, not frog. :-) Ha ha haha...

The VERB is "identify."
It also helps them to identify the right program at the university which eventually will open a gateway to new job opportunities that were unknown to us earlier.

Where as, Additionally, many of them get chances to save...

...they become more confident, knowledgeable, decisive, and productive.

Young minds, which were confused earlier, get a chances to identity the right program before joining university and to prepare a financial budget to bear the burden of the tuition fee and other expenses during their stay at university.

:-)
OP Neeta 5 / 38  
Apr 16, 2011   #5
case of sleep deprived. Sorry Turbina. I will see to it that I don't make stupid mistake with your name in future.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 17, 2011   #6
Hah, I bet Turbina does not mind. I just thought it was funny that you called her a frog :-D
OP Neeta 5 / 38  
Apr 18, 2011   #7
All right! I spelled FOG with an extra "R" hahaha

Sign of poor written communication, huh?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 18, 2011   #8
No, it's okay! Recently, I tried to type a sentence to tell someone they wrote a good essay, but I accidentally told them they wrote a god essay. I don't know what I god essay is, ha ha...
OP Neeta 5 / 38  
Apr 18, 2011   #9
@EF_Kevin- funny :P
OP Neeta 5 / 38  
Apr 20, 2011   #10
Dear All,

Thank you for providing feedback. I hope you will continue to give you guidances in future to me.

Ones again thank you!

Regards,

Neeta


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