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TOEFL: If young children did not get in touch with technology, their creation would not develop


DearbhailS 6 / 10 2  
Jul 24, 2014   #1
People now are in the technological era; creating it and adapting it. As time goes on, every generation can adjust technology and improve it more easily. So in my opinion, technology has not made young children lack of imagination than they were in the past. Technology can improve their creation and also they can use it to advance technology. There are some examples can support my view.

Firstly, technology is full of mystic and attractive for children; they always want to know how to make it by themselves, so they will use their imagination to paint it or even buy some instruments to do it by themselves. Take my cousin Bill as an example. Bill's father is a computer programmer, so influenced by his father; he is very keen on electronic products. Once I visited him, he was lost in his thought. I asked him what he was thinking; he said he was thinking why we could not make computer thinner and lighter to take it outside easily. I was shocked by his words because I never imagined computer could be smaller in one day and we could take it out. Then, he took a paper and began to paint something on it. When he finished, he showed the paper. The paper is a concept of the "new" computer; it looked like a slab and had many buttons; if you press one button, the homologous function would be started and it could run many functions at the same time. His computer impressed me; although he cannot make it come true right now, but I believe in the future he will use his creation to produce better electronic products. If he had not get in touch with technology, he would have not used his creation to imagine this new computer. So, technology motivates him.

Secondly, since technology, young children have more knowledge of the universe and it can improve their creation. For example, when young children watch some documentaries about galaxy, they will be charmed by the mysterious galaxy and many strange and fascinating concepts about galaxy will be formed in their mind, and then they will use some artistic way to depict them such as paintings or sculptures. When they are creating these things, they are also improving their creation. Thus, without technology they cannot know so many things about this world that they will not improve their imagination.

If young children did not get in touch with technology, their creation would not develop. Therefore, technology promotes their creation rather than weaken it.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 24, 2014   #2
I found this thread in Essays forum. However, you should have opened it in the Writing Feedback forum as it is the most appropriate forum for TOEFL essays. Also, it is good if you include the full prompt in the post for us to have a better understanding about what it requires from you. Hope you'd follow these instructions in your future threads.

People now are in the technological era; creating it and adapting it

This is not a very good hook to open your essay. Your hook should be more relevant to the topic and comes with a punch :(
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jul 24, 2014   #3
Firstly, technology is full of mysticmystery and attractive for children (stop here)theyThey always want to know how to make it by themselves get excited about technology and have a desire to experiment with i t. (stop) ,

Your body paras look too heavy. You would run into problems if you drag too much in one part of the essay. You need to follow a proper approach if you are keen on earning marks and managing time.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 24, 2014   #4
If young children did not get in touch with technology, their creation would not develop. Therefore, technology promotes their creation rather than weaken it.

Write a concluding signal, like: In conclusion,... This is important to show that you will end your essay.

There are some examples can support my view.

it is nicer if you write your opinion in the end of the introduction as the thesis statement. Let's say: Therefore, I believe that educators should maximize the use of learning technologies for children as to build better learning environment.


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