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People can keep in touch easily by using modern technology, even though it may lead to conflicts


mardian24 46 / 75  
Dec 2, 2016   #1
Modern technology is changing our world. This has advantages such as bringing people closer together through communication. It also has disadvantages such as destroying the differences between cultures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

In recent days, the development of technology undeniably brings better life in the world. People are able to communicate easily which can make them closer, while there is a drawback that will disturb a harmonious in the culture. However, this essay stands on the line with proponents who agree with this notion. This essay will first discuss that time and distance are not obstacles and then talk underestimating the minority of culture.

To begin with, it is inevitably true that cutting-edge technology makes interaction simpler than before. People do not need numerous efforts to reach others on the grounds that they are able to use mobile phones to communicate to everyone. For instance, my peers always call me from Aberdeen which has more than 5,000 kilometers from my home directly. It means that I can keep contact with my friend by using technology. Up to a point, this is true but it seems nothing if people do not meet their friends directly.

On the other hand, there is a drawback in every positive improvisations of technology. First of all, inhabitants are able give bad comments to other cultures by using the internet. The conflict will appear from this situation or even criminals are the worst consequence that will happen. It occurs because people can get information on the internet and it is not hard to say negative sides on it. But, it is able to give benefits to increase knowledge from other cultures in a country.

To sum up, I totally agree that people can keep in touch easily by using technology, even though it can give conflict in society. In my opinion, technology should be used appropriately and still follow the rule of technology.
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Dec 5, 2016   #2
Mardian, even though you have tried to write an acceptable writing pattern, some essential parts are missing and this would make your essay can only reach 5.0 in terms of Task Response. Those are "the absence of a result / an implication of the example that you have provided" and "the absence of clear examples of what you have stated earlier". When you mention an example about you phoning your peers, you just need to write what is the implication of that example. Then, when you mention "conflict" in the second body paragraph, it is questionable. What is the conflict? What kind of conflict? Missing an example can also be indicated as under-developed / insufficient development. In band 5, remember that "express a position but the development is not always clear..." and "present some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed" are the main criteria that you MUST avoid if you want to achieve band 6 or above.

With regards to your grammatical range and accuracy, I can also predict that your essay is only worth 5 or below in an actual test. Your grammar mistakes cause some difficulty to the reader, especially when it comes to complex sentence. Your complex sentences tend to be less accurate than simple sentences. It seems to the reader that you still have some difficulty in deciding to use proper connectors. Take a look at one of them for an example:

People are able to communicate easily which can make them closer, while ...

Even though people are able to easily communicate with others in order to make them closer, there is a drawback that potentially disturb a culture's harmony.


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