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Today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives?


vum 1 / 1  
Nov 19, 2017   #1
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them; today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.

independent youngsters today



The evolution of the world is quite rapidly, and the structure of society and lifestyle also change gradually, becoming more complex and more options. In the ancient Chinese society, it really limited to develop and follow own mind due to traditional custom. Therefore, in my opinion, I firmly agree with this statement that young people become more independent and can do decisions by themselves.

To begin with, there are many different kinds of opportunities can young people choose. In modern, because of a prosperous life, more and more needed from people has emerged, as a result, others will provide services what they want. For instance, social media is common now, everybody can show themselves and ideas to the public through this way, also, people are attracted by that information. Youtuber which is a new type job is a good example, many people as youtuber can earn money to survive. In contrast, young people didn't have too much option to choose their work in past time, what they could do just being the officer or taking over the family business, so they always relied on their parents to provide money to study or work. But today there are various selections of work, so young people have the ability to choose what they want to do.

Secondly, it is free to develop relationships between man and women. Women can meet others with no obstacle from her parents, and men also can marry the girl who he loved. Moreover, through social media, such as Facebook, Skype, and dating apps, people can meet different people from foreign countries. The means widen the range of making friends, also have more possibility to develop the relationship. On the other hand, young people in early Chinese society, they all had to listen to parents, who help them to decide who they can marry. Because there were many rules and old concepts which needed to be obeyed at that time. Thus, people now can choose their wife or husband by themselves, it is better for them to have own life, rather than depend on the family and lost values of self.

Irrefutably, some people may say that today young people who have too much liberty decide what they want, it causes the society become competitive and the strait between elder and next generation. However, if young people can have a chance to determine their life, it means that they can take care of themselves. They can create any possibility as well, to make the society advance in the future.

In short, due to many limitations in past time, most of the young people have to comply with parents, instead of having a chance to plan their life. Conversely, they are freer in the modern times, many advantages for them to arrange life, no matter to organize their family or work in a suitable position.

pier 11 / 37 9  
Nov 19, 2017   #2
@vum
Hope following recommendations are helpful:
The opening sentence needs just one accepted fact related to the topic. Following the opening sentence, you should paraphrase the prompt.
is happened quite rapidly - An adverb needs a verb
To begin with, there are many different kinds of more ... to young people choose generations.
your third paragraph doesn't have a clear relationship with the prompt. You could have talked about the tendency of independence in young people or any limitation in the past.

Since the prompt wanted you to take sides you don't need the fourth paragraph.

You also add new reasons in conclusion without any discussion in body paragraphs. A conclusion wraps up previous information.

I suggest you take a look at word forms(Adverbs, Verbs, Nouns, ...) and their place in the sentences. In addition, you can read other's essay to have an overall structure for your own essays.
summerlin 5 / 12 2  
Nov 20, 2017   #3
Hi vum

1.The paraphrasing you made in first paragraph is not accurate. you should try to use different words to describe the exact same meaning.
The question prompt did not limited the reference to Chinese society, thus you should not wrote that in your first paragraph.
2. "Therefore" should be used to conclude a discussion. It does not make sense to wrote in your opening paragraph.

Try look for other similar essays in this forum and analyze the structure they use in their essays, this will help you a lot.

cheers
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,636 2523  
Nov 20, 2017   #4
Vum, in an actual exam, the examiner would have taken one look at this essay and decided to give you a failing score. You would only get a 1 for this essay because it does not discuss anything in relation to the original prompt requirement. In fact, even your paraphrasing is not only inaccurate, but irrelevant. Look at the comparison below to understand why that happened:

Original Prompt:
Topic: In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them
Discussion Point: today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.
Discussion Instruction: Do you agree or disagree


Your Paraphrase:
Topic: In the ancient Chinese society, it really limited to develop and follow own mind due to traditional custom.
Discussion Point: The evolution of the world is quite rapidly, and the structure of society and lifestyle also change gradually, becoming more complex and more options.

Discussion Response: I firmly agree with this statement that young people become more independent and can do decisions by themselves.


What key element is missing in your discussion? Exactly. The topic is not about Chinese society and its traditions and customs in general. It is about the international concept of parents making decisions for their young offspring rather than allowing the maturing or adult offspring to decide for themselves. Your essay is nowhere near the requirements of the prompt in terms of topic or discussion. That is why it got a score of 1. Your answer was completely unrelated to the task provided.
OP vum 1 / 1  
Nov 20, 2017   #5
@pier
Thanks for your recommendations, it's helpful!

@summerlin
Thank you very much!

@Holt
I will rethink about that, thank you for your comment!

@chinkybehl22
Thank you so much!


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