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IELTS- Task 2: Should young people be encouraged to come to theatre?

Priscillia 5 / 10 2  
Dec 25, 2020   #1
In some countries, only a few young people go to classical music concerts or plays and performances in theater. Why?

Should young people be encouraged to attend more classical music plays and performances?

I am going to take an IELTS exam four months later. Please help me improve my writing skill. Thanks a lot!
Total words: 360

Innovation has appeared in every single aspect of the world, and entertainment is not an exception. Therefore, teenagers nowadays are considerably less interested in being audiences in theatre, which results in numerous criticism claiming that the youth should be supported to come to those places. In my opinion, I am in disapproval of this contention. The explanation will be given after discussing some reasons for the decreased number of teenagers attending theatre.

To begin with, the main reason for the descendant of young people coming to classical concerts or plays is that this kind of entertainment is no longer suitable for them. Society has adopted more types of recreations, which can match teenagers' favor. For instance, cinemas, EDM festivals are widely preferred thanks to their energetic intrinsics. Meanwhile, classical performances are so fluty that hardly can they satisfy the crazy nature of the youth. That's why young people nowadays tend to less prefer coming to theatre.

To the best of my knowledge, I believe that encouragement for teenagers attending theatre's performances is not necessary. Firstly, the innovation of recreations throughout different eras is a must. We should not support the millennials to have interest in classical performances because their forebears did. What's more, each century has its own taste of art and that's explaining for the different favourite recreations of teenagers and older generations. In addition, such courage can lead to adverse effects on young people because of their unstable intrinsic and the distaste for classical performances.

There are few arguments saying that the cultural-historic values will disappear if millennials are not supported to attend theatre. Although I agree that this thought has some validity, I think it is exaggerated. The flow of times will gradually make the characteristic of teenagers more suitable for classical concerts or plays as they become mature. Consequently, these historic artistic features will be preserved, then passed down for the offsprings and continue to exist.

Having analysed all things above, I greatly believe that we ought not to make intervention in the millennials' favourite entertainments so as to remaining their distinctive taste. Classical music concerts or plays and performances in theatre will come naturally to the youth as time passes.

Binh Nguyen 2 / 6 3  
Dec 26, 2020   #2

Dear Priscillia,

After reviewing your IELTS writing task 2, I personally think that your logical paragraphs are very good, but it contained too many personality opinions and it did not have enough consistency between the topic and your answer. For example, the topic did not acquire to discuss the cultural-historic values would be disappeared or not, but you have it (I think you want to use this to support your idea "encouragement for teenagers attending theatre's performances", but you've already explained the reason in the previous part). You should put it into the 3rd paragraph.

One more thing, the conclusion did not completely focus on the topic, maybe it will decrease your band score.

Besides that, your vocabulary used very well. Keep it up!
OP Priscillia 5 / 10 2  
Dec 26, 2020   #3
@Binh Nguyen
Thanks for your advice. I am just wondering if the fourth paragraph is necessary or not, because I aimed to discuss the opposite side and reasons why it is not true in order to make my essay more objective and impersonal. Anyway, thanks for your help.
Binh Nguyen 2 / 6 3  
Dec 27, 2020   #4

I think you can indicate the fourth paragraph to the third paragraph because when it is independent, it will not resolve the topic problems.
IgorFR 1 / 2  
Jan 5, 2021   #5
It is quite good. What I can point is that you are using a wide vocabulary.
A tip that maybe will be significant for your score is trying to make a summary of all of your ideas that you cited above and arrange them in your conclusion.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,132 3267  
Jan 6, 2021   #6
Priscilla, the number of words that you type above the minimum count are not going to help increase your overall score. The ideal word number is anywhere between 275-290 words. This is the ideal count that will help you focus more on the LR, C&C, and GRA sections of the scoring consideration. Anything more than just, proves that you can type fast, but not necessarily within a clear or understandable context. The main scoring consideration is based on how well you explain your thoughts in English, not the number of words that you can type, or the vocabulary that you know, which may be used in the wrong context. You typed very well in this essay, but it did not translate to a well scoring essay because of the problems that exist in your presentation. This is why the number of words do not matter as much as the content, clarity, and presentation of the essay. For these 3 considerations, you should allot at least 10 minutes towards the end of the writing test, for proofreading and improvements to the presentation.

Your restated prompt is entirely out of context and does not relate to the original presentation. You must learn to identify keywords that describe the factors in the original discussion point. The keywords in this case are : countries, young people, classical music concerts, plays and performances. The reference to the performances should never be mixed up with ordinary entertainment and theater. Your alternative word usage representing classical music concerts, plays and performances were faulty. The alternate words used were incorrect and will lower the LR score due to incorrect descriptive word usage.

As far as I can tell, you are constantly misusing descriptive words in this essay. For example. descendant means: a person or animal that is descended from a specific ancestor; an offspring. I sincerely doubt that is not the meaning you were aiming for when you decided to use that word. You have to remember, word meaning in your native language will not translate the same way to English. So you have to be highly familiar with English word meaning and usage forms. That is the only way to avoid those types of errors in the future. Your English grammar is beginner-intermediate, not yet at intermediate level.

You should not agree with anything in this presentation since you are not being asked for an opinion discussion. Do not present information that is going to be a part of the original discussion requirements. You will lose points for altering the prompt discussion focus. This error continued into the concluding paragraph, which, rather than summarizing the overall discussion, ended up changing the discussion parameters totally. This will ensure that your essay cannot pass the test. Stick to the prompt requirements, and your pass. Alter the discussion elements, and you fail.
Krystal318 9 / 20 2  
Jan 6, 2021   #7
I'm checking for your grammar errors.
I guess you meant "the descent" (= the decrease) instead of "the descendent" as they have a different meaning.
In the third paragraph, you should add "s" behind "characteristic" in the sentence the characteristics of teenagers.
In the third paragraph, it is "the flow of time" without the "s" in the end of the "time".
In the third paragraph, I guess you meant "such encouragement" instead of the word "courage" which is quite not suitable.
Great job. You covered a quite extensive of vocabulary. However, I do find your essay a bit unnatural with your word choice and consistency.

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