Hello! Please check my essay, sorry my english is bad! Thank you :)
All young people should be encouraged to try new sports, including extreme sports
Extreme Sports - Do You Dare?
Sport is very important, because thanks to sports people are healthy and active. Extreme sport is also necessary, because it gives new experience. Often young people don't know what is an extreme sport and why it is important or dangerous.
On the one hand, I agree, that young people should to do sport, and try new experiences, Every new activity is experiencing. However, these are playing football, dancing or doing extreme sport. All new look as try extreme sport is interesting and of course new experience. Example, when young people do Benji jump, she/ he know that it is good or bad for them. And if she/he likes it, then can do it more and more. All new experiences are good, because people learn herself/ himself.
On the other hand, I disagree that young people should try extreme sports. It is everyone's personal choice, if she/he want to try it or not. As well extreme sport is dangerous and there are a lot of accidents, when people do extreme sport. When encourage people to do extreme sport and show videos and pictures about this, then young people think only that is fun. and do not think that is dangerous also.
In conclusion, I think that sport is very important and all young people should to sport. But this decision if to do extreme sport or not is everyone's personal choice. Of course, should talk about extreme sport, then young people know, which sports, there are, but also take the consequences, when do extreme sport.
I think it will be better.
-Introduce : in the introduction you need to paraphase the statement and present your opinion . Example all of the young ought be stimulated to attempt new sports, involving hazardous sports. I quite disagree with this point. In my opinion , sport is very important because.....
-Body paragraph 1 : in this paragraph you give the first reason which support your opinion. Attemp a few new sports which people have not ever played before will gives them have an interesting feeling and a new experience. But if people try to play new sports, they will soon find the feeling of frustration as much as boring from it.
-Body paragraph 2 : give the second reason to protect/support your opinion. Example it is believed that the hazardous sports contain lots of risks/dangers/unsafeness.....
-In the conclusion you briefly summarize what you have written before.
Thanks and have a great time.
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Kathrin, what is the complete prompt that you are responding to? What kind of test is this for? Is this supposed to be a direct question essay? I am unsure as to how you can improve this writing because I have no idea what kind of test you are preparing for. The advice you were given by the others may or may not be applicable to your writing, depending upon the type of test and actual prompt you are responding to. I would like you to post the complete prompt for this essay so that I can offer you a proper and accurate review of your problem points and the methods by which you can improve your writing. Right now, it seems like your opening paraphrase feels incomplete and insufficient. I can gauge that better once you deliver the original prompt requirements in your response to my post. Your concluding statement continues to introduce new information to the reader, which means it cannot be scored as a concluding statement. Once I know what the discussion process for this essay is, I can better instruct you as to how to properly close this essay. Your discussion seems sound and informative. However, I am not sure about how applicable it is in terms of the prompt discussion requirements.