TOEFL Writing Essay: 'young people to follow and obey' - I'd really appreciate if you rate my essay

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

The rules that societies today expect young people to follow and obey are too strict.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Every society has its own set of rules for young people which are different from other societies' rules. However, most of the time, the similarity between these rules in different societies are much more than their differences. Many people believe that these rules are needed for young people and the improvement of society. However, my opinion differs from these people, and I believe that societies' rules are too strict in today's world for young people.

First and foremost, societies expect young people to know what they want to do with the rest of their life early in life, and when they are still in school. If a young person changes majors or is not sure about what he wants to pursue as a career, society will look down on him. Since youngster has a lot of different options to choose from nowadays, it is harder for them to make a firm decision early in life, so I believe it is unfair to them to be looked down on if they are indecisive early in life and want to explore different options they have. I remember that my older brother was shamed for not knowing what he exactly wanted to do with his life when he was in his early 20s. Everybody would have compared him to his friend who decided to be a doctor early in life and had been working on his goal in his early 20s. Society's expectations put lots of pressure on my brother which led him to have depression for a long time.

Secondly, because of the Internet and social media, societies compare young people to models and celebrities and expect them to look like them. This makes youngsters go through cosmetic surgery so they can meet social standards. Also, young people suffer from depression and social anxiety more than ever because of these pressures. Many of my classmates who are in their early 20s have been through cosmetic surgery, and most of them still feel that they are not enough which makes them depressed and anxious because they feel that they will not ever meet society's standards.

In conclusion, in my opinion, societies' rules are too strict nowadays and expect a lot from young people. Societies expect young people to know what they want to do with their life and shame them if they are indecisive about their future goals. In addition, societies compare youngsters with models and celebrities and expect them to look like them, and this puts lots of pressure on young people.

Try to keep the writing to under 400 words. This should actually be completed within 300 words at the most since it does not need to be an overdiscussed or analyzed essay. Avoid the extreme word count by skipping the paraphrasing and opinion restatement paragraph. This is not an IELTS test so restating the topic before giving an opinion is not required. What is required is the immediate discussion presentation instead. Begin discussing the opinion in the first paragraph after establishing the first sentence as the opinion sentence.

To show a more academically relevant set of writing skills, it would do the writer well to not use connectors such as first and foremost, secondly, and in conclusion. These are not score establishing references. The use of topic anchors for the opening, a direct topic sentence reference, allows the examiner to give better scores since the writer shows proper academic writing knowledge in his presentations.

The examiner will still be looking for the exam taker's ability to connect his discussion paragraphs. That said, suddenly shifting to the effects of social media in the second discussion presentation creates a missing link between the two presentations. Note that the same paragraph circles back to depression in relation to society rules. That means depression is the cohesive link between the two paragraphs and should be the actual focus of both paragraphs. Once the connection between the strict rules and depresssion is created, the writer will have successfully argued his opinion in the presentation.

Kindly review grammar rules as the writer shows a bit of a problem with punctuation usage. He needs to understand how to properly write plural word forms without an apostrophe after. That is because an apostrophe is only used when writing group ownership references. It is not used to indicate the plural form of a word. The plural form normally comes with a simple +S rather than +'S, which connotes ownership in all instances.

you make a lot of redundant in certain worlds such as early and life. Try to use paraphrase it.