Should young people follow traditions of their society or be free to behave as they will?

Hello everybody, this is my first post here! I would really appreciate if anyone can help me with correcting my essay. Thank you very much!

Q. Some people think that young people should follow traditions of their society, while others think young people should be free to behave as they will. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Do not limit young people

Raising children is always problematic and controversial, especially in terms of following traditions or being unlimited, while both views have their advantages and drawbacks. On my perspective, I suggest we should not focus on any side of them but find a balance between these two important ideas.

Traditional thinking can both benefit and limit us in many ways. Orthodox regulations or norms had been formed based on the wisdom of our ancestors in order to prevent unnecessary mistakes for happening again. Sometimes, this wisdom can help we spare time and energy. By contrast, it could be also detrimental if we overemphasize on the power of conventional ideas and be too dependent on them. That is to say, as the world is changing rapidly, we can hardly find any perfect indication which is suitable for every generation. Apparently, following traditions of young people's society is not the best option.

However, as encouraging young people to be free to behave as they will is not the truth as well, there are several reasons why I argue this view. Many people suggest that young people should not be limited by the orthodox norms when they are productive and creative. Whereas, I doubt this point of view can make the best of productivity and creativity. Because of without acquiring the lessons which antecedents had learned from the past, the youngs are more likely to undergo the same mistakes again, which is an unreasonable behaviour. Also, I do not think that anyone is allowed to forget or ignore the truth of who they are and where they come from.

To sum up, while traditions of our society and the creativity and productivity of young people are both vital elements of education, I disagree we should focus more on any side, instead, we should dedicate ourselves to balance these two ideas.

Johnny, the essay asks you to discuss 2 points of view aside from your own. What you ended up doing was doing an extended discussion of your personal opinion instead. The essay requires 3 body paragraphs that indicate the discussions as follows:

1. Argue the side for the traditional beliefs
2. Argue for the free will belief
3. Argue for your personal belief in relation with the belief that you support (As such, the topic of bodies 1 and 2 are interchangeable).

Your opening statement does not properly represent the required paraphrasing either. There isn't any clear representation of the discussion and the required discussion format which should have been represented as:

These days, a discussion has been ongoing regarding young people and the traditions of their society. There are some people who believe that young people must be raised in the traditions of their culture. Others, believe that traditional cultures have to give way to the free will of young people, allowing them to behave freely within society. In this essay, I will be presenting the supporting facts for each side before finally discussing my personal opinion regarding the matter.

The purpose of the opening statement is to help you outline the discussion for presentation to the reader. That is why the prompts are provided in a specific reference manner. Your opening statement did not accomplish this task. Additionally, the essay does not discuss each point of view specifically either. As I previously mentioned, the essay focused solely on your personal discussion and nothing more. You need to make any references to either point of view, prior to your personal opinion clearer by actually making reference to the point of view as the topic sentence of the paragraph.

By the way, your personal opinion does not represent a concluding statement. That is nothing but an additional body paragraph. The concluding statement must show that you have the ability to analyze the discussion by once again, repeating the prompt requirement, then summarizing the important points in your discussion, before finally, repeating your personal opinion as the closing line of the discussion. If you accomplish all of these requirements in the set manner, you will be sure to pass the test on exam day.

@Holt
Thank you for giving me so many constructive suggestions about IELTS writing! I have been struggling for improvement for a long time, and I think your words are really helping me. It is really kind that you are willing to spare some time helping pupils here.