IELTS task 2: more young people in society - evaluation of this trend

Population structure

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively larger number of young adults, compared with the number of older people.

Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

Some countries' populations consist of a larger proportion of young people and a smaller percentage of older citizens. Compared to the other countries with more aging population, this trend can certainly bring more benefits to societies although it may present some potential drawbacks.

It is true that an increasing number of younger generations may cause possible social issues. One concern is that there might be more unemployed people in the community as more young adults enter the job market simultaneously. As a result, those who have fewer qualifications and lower levels of skills will be unable to compete in an increasingly competitive job market. Another problem may be considered from the housing situation. The young tend to move out from their parents' house and choose to live alone, which leads governments to provide more affordable housing for young adults to meet their growing demand. In other words, governments need to spend more money to tackle the housing issue.

In spite of above mentioned considerations, I believe that the advantages of having more younger population cannot be denied. There is no doubt that a large number of young people means an adequate workforce in society, which would dramatically improve the national productivity, and therefore maintain a stable and healthy economy. Additionally, there will be less money spent by governments on medical services because young adults are usually in robust health. This saved money can be better utilized in educational programmes so that those younger adults can get access to a higher standard of education and accordingly improve their employability.

In conclusion, although the problems of a larger proportion of young population in a country may appear, I believe that its drawbacks are outweighed by the benefits that the trend brings.

In the last paragraph the sentence should begin with In spite of the above-mentioned considerations, I believe that the advantages of having a more younger......

The last sentence in paragraph three could read This saved money could be better utilized in educational programmes allowing younger adults to gain access........

Yanhong,

I suggest that you look into revising a few portions of your essay to make them easier to comprehend. Look into having a more direct approach to writing than adding lengthy phrases.

For instance, the last line of your first paragraph could be written as:
There are both drawbacks and benefits when a country is faced with the trend of a growing young population.
Another one could be for the last line of your second paragraph wherein it can be phrased as:
This causes the government to spend heavily on housing.
When you are laying down facts, avoid articulating it with uncertain language. Make sure that your language is firmer. For instance, avoid mentioning "may cause" or "might be" - instead, you can mention that these are all plausible results. This will make your article sound well-thought about and researched.

Lastly, I suggest revising your last paragraph. It appears to be an extended paragraph that can be divided into two different sentences than one. Make your conclusion clear and concise.

Hi, I agree that some graders do not want to see a single sentence paragraph, so I would try to expand your conclusion and at least divide that single sentence. Also, to me it is not clear which side of the argument you favor. The prompt asks whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, so make sure your answer to this question is clear and stated in the thesis as well as throughout the essay. Here are some other suggestions:

... increasing number of [the younger generation] {there is still only one younger generation}

The young tend to move out of their parents' house

In spite of [the] above mentioned

advantages of having [a larger] younger population

In conclusion, although the problems [caused by] a larger ...