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IELTS Task 2: Young people should spend more time on cultural activities and less time on sport.

cao1km 8 / 16 5  
Jul 15, 2018   #1
Topic: Young people should spend more time on cultural activities and less time on sport.
How far do you agree with this statement. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

balance between cultural activities and sports

My essay:
It can be obviously seen that cultural education are extremely important to young people. Some people believe that the young should decrease their time spent on sports and spend more time taking part in cultural activities. However, I disagree with that opinion. Mentioned in this essay are reasons for young people to balance their cultural and physical activities.

There is no doubt that cultural activities are something that all the young can not miss in their lives. The educational and inspirative values of those activities have been proven since the very first days of human history. Thanks to music, literature and some other cultural heritages which are preserved through generations and exchanged between different countries, young people learn more about morals, love, willpower and creativity. These activities can help the youth relax, have a good attitude towards society and promote their contribution to the culture of mankind. Therefore, young people should spend time discovering and enjoying cultural values.

In the other hand, sports are also essential. Without sports, the youth can not have good mental and physical health to study, work and experience. Moreover, through practising sports, young people learn and develop a variety of skills and qualities such as team-work, communication skill, ingenuity, the will to confront and overcome difficulties ... The young could apply those things to all their activities, including cultural activities.

Youth does not mean that young people have to spend a lot of time on something but less time on something. It must depend on not only how much time a person have but also the physical strength, intelligence, passion and desire to learn of each individual. Young people should understand themselves and keep themselves in balance between cultural activities and sports. By doing that, the youth will have the best experiences and can develop in the most effective and comprehensive way.

It seems easy to say whether the statement mentioned in the topic should be agreed or disagreed with, but it is difficult for me to express the reasons for my opinion coherently and convincingly.

Please give me some comments. I appreciate all comments for my essay. If possible, can you help me assess the score of this IELTS essay?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,648 4752  
Jul 16, 2018   #2
Hang, In the discussion prompt, you stated that the opinion to be discussed is only the extent by which you agree with the given statement. It does not offer you any room to disagree with the given proposal. Yet, you went on to discuss the reasons that you disagree with the given discussion point. As such, this essay discussed what is called a prompt deviation which will lead this essay to be scored extremely low on the TA side of the band score. I don't believe that this could score higher than a 1 in the TA section because your response is not related to the given task, which is to have you discuss the extent of your agreement, not disagreement with this discussion. As you know, once you deviate from the prompt discussion, it will be extremely difficult to pull up your remaining scoring considerations in order to achieve a passing score.

In this instance, I have pointed out the reason why this essay will have some difficulty in receiving a passing score. So I will not score the rest of this essay based on the band criteria. Instead, I will show you how the prompt paraphrase should have been written:

There is an ongoing discussion regarding whether or not the youth should devote an increased amount of time to cultural learning instead of investing time in athletic activities. I partially agree with this statement. Based on my knowledge and experience, I will discuss my supporting reasons with further details below.

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