The youngsters should use their opportunities to travel or work wisely - it might help to find a job

Question:

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies.
Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this.

Answer:

Working and traveling are becoming more popular trend among youngster than finishing their study or applying in university. While this trend has merits and demerits, I strongly believe that it has more benefits than drawback.

It is believed that working for youngster who have no degree certificate will make them as a cheap labor as it shows that they have no skills and less experiences. A 2013 research of South-wales University reveals that about 60 per cent employees who have no higher education certificate get salary under Rp. 1,000,000. It means that this trend will lead the number of cheap labor rate. Also, traveling in the young age will resist their career, and it will cause a rise of the number of unemployment.

However, there are some benefits from this trend. Firstly, youngsters working and traveling experience will improve their soft skill which is essentially needed in the job world. It means that the young people have experience that becomes a basic need for them, so they can find a job. Likewise, working and traveling will open a big possibility for youngsters to find a job link as predominant factor in the job world. Also, traveling can open young people's mind to be more creative and wise as they face a lot of challenges on their traveling.

All in all, despite the demerits of this trend, traveling and working are form of beneficial activities for youngsters so as to improve their basic skills that they need in their future. It is imperative that if youngsters can use their opportunities to travel or work wisely, it will make them easier to find a job.

I suggest stating young people throughout the essay since this is the essay question. However, you may use youngster if you prefer to because it means young people.

Paragraph 1: Change to "becoming a" in the first sentence. We wouldn't say applying in university because there is a process that is followed. A better way to say it is to apply to a university. If you use drawback just make it plural by adding an -s to the end as you did perfectly with the word benefit.

Paragraph 2: Help me to understand your view in this first sentence. Do you believe that young people will be offered cheap labor because they don't have the degree, skills, or experiences that qualify them for better work? When you mention the South Wales studies, please look back at your research or source again. 60 per cent should read as 60%. Please cite your source too. Did you get this from a website, book, etc.? I assume that you mean the "trend will increase cheap labor rates". You can change it to this if you feel that more young people will receive this salary with no higher education. I would change the last sentence. Do you think that when young people delay their educational pursuits to travel, they stall their careers and later become unemployed? For example: Imagine a young person decided to wait to go to a good college. This person travels and works at a coffee shop for a year, but plans to sign up for the university to become a doctor.

Could it be that young people will be unemployed or they many never fulfill their career dreams? This is just something to think about to make your paper better.

Paragraph 3: This is an excellent point about soft skills. Please delete the word experience and place a comma after which. I'm having some difficulty understanding this next sentence. Will young people have basic skills needed for them to find a job? Is this correct? The next sentence you discuss a job link. You could say that traveling and working will help them to network with others and have references to help them find a job. For example, a job could require three references. These references should be professional. A young person could have references from their last job or use their interaction with people whom they met (network) while traveling to find out about jobs. The last sentence, please change the ending to while traveling.

Paragraph 4: Please delete "form of" in this last. Also, change "them" to "it" in the last sentence.