Hi, hope you guys all well, I am about to take the IELTS exam next month and I am trying to achieve a 6.5 in writing. So I genuinely hope that you can spend some time to evaluate and give me some feedback. I will appreciate it so much. Thank you and have a good day!
Topic 18: At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people
Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?
It is generally observed that some countries nowadays possess a high rate of youthful population with a trivial and unnoticeable number of elderly people. Although the drawbacks of this trend are clearly seen, but the benefits of this phenomenon are much more worth-considering.
To commence with, it is incontrovertible that the increase in young people will likely cause some problems. The most significant and detrimental outcome of this trend is the workforce crisis, with an enormous workers and employees combine with people's ever-growing demands on victuals, accommodations, stable financial sources, companies, and corporations are not likely to solve these hard-to-meet demands. Secondly, more young people means a higher reproduction rate and a foreseeable explosive rise in population will, inevitably, happen. This can lead to numerous problems related to people's well-being that will confront us in the future.
But despite all of though drawbacks, the benefits that this trend brings to individuals and their society are invaluable. To start with, a large, enthusiastic, and zealous workforce can support these countries to boost their economy, for example, an increasing number of workers work for a factory means the production of goods will likely to be improved dramatically, which, eventually, brings back a considerable amount of money. Secondly, having young citizens can also help them to make innovative and life-altering changes because they possess young mindsets and different ways of solving problems. Many ideas that are essential and transformative can be created by these people which help the governments and authorities improve people's life. Undoubtedly, these incredible outcomes are definitely cannot be brought by the aging population.
Considering these discussion points, it is my contention that a youthful population is beneficial for many countries. In order to thrive economically and change society for the better, we need these people to contribute their efforts and ideas for the sake of everyone.
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Stop using big words like incontrovertible, detrimental, victuals, etc. You are obviously memorizing words from the dictionary, without really considering if the words you are choosing to use are applicable to the sentence or not. That is not how you increase your LR score. You have to make the essay sound natural. You don't need to use complicated and archaic English words to prove your LR capacity. Using simple to intermediate words, that feel natural in the presentation, almost conversational in presentation, will get you a better TA score. Do not try to impress the examiner with complicated words because, he simply will not be impressed.
In the second sentence of your opening statement, simply using the comma takes the place of the word "but" in the presentation. By adding that opposing word at the wrong place in the sentence, you created confusion in the presentation and meaning of your sentence. You have some issues with your singular v. plural word usage so brush up on those rules (means v mean). More concise language presentations will also help you get a better C&C score.
I think it is too complicated to perform in a real test, you should pay more attention to ideas. I think that you should opt for simple ideas but good words, what I mean here is that "good word" not "academic words".