Discriptive Writting essay 631 words long

I would like to know what people think of this and how i could improve this. I got a pretty bad mark for this and i wanna turn this into an A. Any help is welcome.

In The Distance

The world has evolved. Inevitability of time has caused rapid changes to human society and individual behavior. The rich got richer as each second passed while on the other hand the poor struggled to stay alive. Only ticket out of this miserable suffering was the game, is what he believed. Little was he aware that what was about to become was written by destiny and could not be reversed.

Soles encrusted in blood and heart throbbing like a jackhammer. Thrusting its way into my flesh, the tarmac lay beneath me. Fingertips going numb as the wind penetrated the deepest parts of my erect body. My neck as rigid as an anchor. Sweat oozing from my forehead. The frost aggregated my ears while the summer snows irritated my eyes, not yet fully awoken. As I pushed the ground beneath me I came to the realization that my whereabouts were unknown to. The last I remembered was...

A delicate beauty dressed in a black strapless dress covered with beaded crystals, walking alongside me. The silence was overwhelming. Her lips moving but not a single word was coming out. Who was she? Where is she? Or better yet where am I?

Unanswered questions flushed my brain. My body started to feel more normal and as I began walking through the unfamiliar territory I soon came to the realization that this place was deserted. 'Hello!' I screamed at the top of my lungs. My voice ricocheting through the desolate streets. Silence. 'Is anybody there?' I tried again. Silence. As I surveyed around I saw buildings eroded and rubble falling from where it was starting to crumble apart. Some buildings which would have stood tall and mighty, eradicated and were nothing more than hills of rubble. Time had not been kind to this place. It was as if this place had been cleansed with death and misery while the graffiti on the walls told stories that of broken hearts and untold dreams that were never to be seen again.

The age of the buildings was visible through the broken windows and cracks. To my amazement not only did the buildings covered the horizon but were constructed in a seemingly simple fashion but in the midst of the city stood a house that was covered with moldy walls, with cracks almost splitting the house up. The beige color on the door was chipping away and the hinges were loose so it was easy to open the door. Windows broken from rocks and pebbles that had been thrown at it from citizen that inhabited the city. The inside was possibly worse. The rat infested Styrofoam cracked with water leaking from the rusty water pipes. Interior walls were in no better condition that the exterior. Shingles collapsed on the worn out sofas. The thought that people used to live in this house and lead happy lives sent a tear down my eye. 'What? Why am I crying?' I tried to play innocent with myself and tried to convince my brain that it will be alright and got control over myself. All of a sudden I heard footsteps. I jumped up and began looking for the footsteps. I got out of the room and found bloodstains on the floor. I bent down and put my finger on the bloodstain and it was still in liquid form which meant that these were freshly made. The satins lead me to the bathroom which reeked of death and sorrow. Slowly but steadily I opened the door and saw a girl bleeding from a wound on her stomach. Seeing a real life human after nearly 8 hours was refreshing but in astonishment I was immobile like a statue. Abruptly she turned her face towards me. 'But you are...

The rich got richer as each second passed by while on the other hand the poor wasstruggledfighting with endless struggles to stay alive.


It was not clear to me as I read it; so I introduced this change : )