Please I need critique on my writing and how obvious my passion is in this letter. Feel free to correct or point me in the right directions, and let me know if this is strong enough to get me into a prestigious university. If not kindly point me in the right direction. I will really appreciate this, thank you.
The level of intelligence electronic devices from my childhood days posses, has always been of great interest to me, from the household electronics to the industrial machines used in the hydro-electric power station I frequently visited during my childhood days. "I believe that education is all about being excited about something. Seeing passion and enthusiasm helps push an educational message", this is the primary reason I consider passion before venturing into any educational program. My ideas about how different devices can solve real life problems in the human world instilled a thirst to understand electronic devices which led me to acquire background knowledge in computer science to project my thoughts to reality. As I advanced in the pursuit of my university degree, I became interested in intelligent systems with high level of autonomity, courses like... exposed me to what I see as a world of innovative technologies. As part of the requirement in earning my degree I was opportune to have undergone my industrial training in TWP, I was attached with the windows admin team in the IST division. I am highly appreciative of this experience because it opened my mind to a multinational world and helped me shape my career path. The experience I gained from the IST division, although was enriching and quite interesting I realised I wasn't fulfilled, I became confident that my interest in intelligent system and robotics was the best career path for me. Due to the inadequate educational system in my home country, plagiarism among students in my school was becoming very popular and assessing each students term paper was a challenge for the lecturers (as most times it either goes unnoticed, or takes up the lecturers time trying to manually detect plagiarism), this urged me to develop a standalone software that can assist the lecturers in detecting plagiarism among students and also dissuade students from plagiarism. I enjoyed the feeling I had every step of the development stage and how I overcame the challenges I faced confirmed my passion for research and development environment. Even at this I realised that my work had a lot of limitations because of the educational standards in my country, it was at this juncture that I decided that studying in a foreign country with a high level of educational standard will be the best decision for me to achieve my career goals.
France is renowned for having one of the world's best educational systems and also recognised for its universities that promotes innovation in science and technology. I want to further my education in a foreign country to help me evaluate things from a different perspective, gain the optimal knowledge in ISR, develop my professional skills through company based internship and all the while interacting in a multinational environment to better prepare me for a career in a multinational organisation. I am excited to join the (name) team, the work in (state topic) achieved by your team has encouraged my decision and made me confident in studying ISR in (school's name) .I am aware that a strong command in the French language is required, this is why I have enrolled into alliance francais program in my country to prepare me for a life in France.
I consider myself a determined and focused person and at the same time easy to work with, I am very ambitious about my ideas and the future. I believe that success originates from passion, hard work with constant discipline. A career in a multinational organisation where my ideas and hard work will be beneficial to human race, environment and for industrial application, all the while continuing to develop my professional skills are my future plans.
The level of intelligence electronic devices from my childhood days posses, has always been of great interest to me, from the household electronics to the industrial machines used in the hydro-electric power station I frequently visited during my childhood days.
This sounds confusing. In fact this sentence is pretty too long and hence disturb your flow. Hope you rephrase this :)
this is the primary reason why I consider passion before venturing into any educational program.
As I advanced in the pursuit of my university degree
As I progressed in the pursuit of my university career,I want to further my education in a foreign country to help me evaluate things from a differentbroaden my perspectives ,
I consider myself a determined and focused person and at the same timeeasy to work withflexible and friendly, I am very ambitious about my ideas and the future.
