UK Engineering - Personal Statement for master course

Hello.
I am applying for the master course in the UK.
Please review my personal statement.

UK Technology and Engineering

My major was electronics engineering at 000 University. While I studied various subject of electronic engineering, I could understand the importance of the role of science and technology in our society as well as getting technical knowledge. In particular, I had a chance to take a lecture by the Minister of Information and Communication. At that time, although the efforts of the researchers were important to secure improved technology, I realized the importance of well-made policy, and I had a dream that I want to contribute to the development of science and technology in the administrative field. After all, I became a government officer, and I am now engaged in the Ministry of 000 which is responsible for science and technology policy of our nation.

Prior to working at the Ministry of 000, I worked at the Ministry of 000 from 2009 to 2011, and my duty was to support dormitories at highschools which are located in rural areas. The goal of the policy was not simply to support the dormitory facility, but to allow students from rural areas to encounter a variety of educational programs without leaving their hometown. The problem, however, was that many schools will operate dormitories as a medium for entrancing prestigious schools. Thus, I strived to make stakeholder understand the purpose of the policy so that achieving the goal of the policy. Consequently, I was able to learn the process of establishment and implementation of a policy.

From 2011 to 2014, I worked in the Division of Nuclear Policy. During my tenure, I contributed to establish some mid- and long-term plans to efficiently promote the level of nuclear technology. In particular, since the accident at the Japanese nuclear power plants, our government had set a goal which aims to dismantle nuclear facilities safely. I also participated in that task, and our team established a policy which is called 'Dismantling Technology Development Plan'. In the process of that task, I discussed in-depth with nuclear experts about current technology level, future technology needed, and how to acquire new technology, and I was able to learn how to utilize expert groups while establishing a policy.

Since then, I have been responsible for constructing a university specializing in science and technology for bringing up outstand students in science and technology, and I am currently in charge of managing national budgets which are related with our organization from 2015.

When it comes to the motivation which I decided on studying in the UK, the UK has already carried out the creative economy policy before long, and as a result, the UK has led to a major change in the fourth industrial revolution. Many countries are striving to take the lead in the 'Fourth Industrial Revolution' and our government is also striving to be a leader in the future as a science and technology powerhouse. I think studying in the UK is a great opportunity in terms of seeing and feeling directly the progress of the UK's policy which is ahead of our country.

In addition, the masters of public administration of you has specialized curricula for government employees, and I believe that your course will certainly help me to broaden policy perspective as well as to strengthen analytical ability and managerial skills to improve current job performance or prepare for new responsibilities in the public sector.

Given the opportunity to complete your course, I will study how to establish a more efficient science and technology policy. In order to achieve my goal, I will particularly focus on analyzing the results and problems in terms of the science and technology policy making process and its implementation by the UK and other developed countries. My study in your course will be an opportunity to upgrade my policy making skills and I believe that my experience of studying various overseas cases will expand my depth and breadth of knowledge.

I would be most grateful therefore, of the opportunity to study the courses offered in your program as I believe these are of significant value in the advancement of my career.

Taekeun, avoid discussing the purpose for your study in the personal statement. That is best presented and developed as an essay discussion in the Statement of Purpose essay. Instead focus on the development of your interest in the field and the motivation to choose to study in the UK. As a personal statement, I assume that this being written for a specific university and not just for a scholarship application since you did not indicate a scholarship in your instructions. Therefore, one of the major motivating factors that needs to be properly developed and discussed will be the reason why you chose the university to study in.

I am not sure but it doesn't sound like you indicated a university choice in the personal statement. That is an expected part of the information you will be presenting in the statement. Rather than focusing on the country where you will be studying, you should be focusing on the university and the reasons why you chose to study there. In a personal statement, you have the opportunity to show your enthusiasm for, not only the course you will be studying, but the university that you chose as well in relation to the academic, internship, and professional opportunities that it offers the student. That excitement indicates that you will grab the opportunity to shine as a member of the international community of masters degree students there.

@ilskyilsky
It feels like you are taking the reader through your resume, re-stating the positions you held between 2009 & present days. But that information will be already available on the resume you submit with the application. Instead you could focus on two-three particular experiences that deeply affected you, and made you understand the importance of continuing education.

I would also suggest to re-group the paragraphs, as 8 paragraphs for such essays is too many. Try to combine a few with similar ideas.