The first important challenge my generation should aware is the Energy Sustainability

Hello everybody!!!
I am applying to the luxury management master program and they asked me to complete these 2 essays. Beyond the content(they required 2000 characters including spaces), could someone check my grammar please? I am not very good in English either in writing so... Thank you in advance!!!

In your opinion, what are the key challenges facing your generation?
My generation belongs to the last crew who grew up in an age of transition from a world with limited channels of communication to one of constant connection. We have a great understanding of how technology works, but we haven't forgotten life before the technological mainstream entered into our lives. We still know how to write a letter on paper, how to play on the playground with a piece of chalk. We appraise nature, the environment, animals and the countryside near every city, we can deal with affairs the new generations, who grew up immersed in technological accessories, cannot.

The first important challenge my generation should aware is the Energy Sustainability. Renewable energy has been the center of many scientific and technological projects. The result of the fast developments of many developing and developed countries through the last 30 years is a monstrous amount of pollution spread on our Mother Earth. This pollution is the main cause the global warming, the extinction of species and the development of dangerous diseases among the humanity due to the grimy air. Continuing on this path, it won't be long before the earth becomes uninhabitable.

Another vital challenge is the worldwide economical crisis since 2008 and the consequent lacks and loses of work places. Greece, Portugal and Ireland had already declared bankruptcy to the world. This crisis is defined from some economists as the most destructive economical crisis ever faced by the world, more devastating than the great depression in the 1873. According the report of the Italian newspaper Sole24, in March 2014, around 556 people lose their jobs per day in Italy, regardless the new generation, which cannot find a decent job after years of hard studying in the universities. Hilariously, that new generation is mine.

There are other minor challenges, but to safeguard the actual generation and the future ones, Energy sustainability and the resolution of the Economical crisis are the main challenges the current society has to face.

MOD comment:One essay at one time please

Sisi, it is admirable that you recognize two problems in particular that your generation needs to learn to deal with. However, it would better benefit your essay if you chose to fully develop and discuss only one problem. That will give you the leeway to offer a clear insight and offer solutions to the problem without having to shortchange the reader by suddenly changing gears midstream in order to discuss a new topic. In my opinion, you should discuss energy sustainability instead of the economic crisis. Mostly because as individuals, we can actually do something to effect change in the realm of energy production and environmental compliance whereas the economics of the world has been an infinite problem for man, without a possible solution in sight. Some grammar errors for you to note though:


- ... should be aware of is Energy...


-... pollution is the main cause of global...


-... is defined by some economists...
I included the economic crisis in my revisions to note even though I am advising you not to use it in your essay because you may decide to still go with this version. Good luck with your revision :-)

Thank you very much Luisa! So you think I should dedicate all my argumentation on only one issue? But how about what they asked? 'the key challenges'? don't I need to demonstrate more than one challenge?

Thank you again!

It is my opinion that you should only discuss the problem of sustainable energy and it accompanying problems in order to provide the best insight possible into the problem that you have posed. By discussing related problems, you prove the key challenges that are facing your generation pertaining to this issue in particular. When you present two different issues, that do not have a direct connection to one another, you create a sudden topic change in the essay which would require an effective transition paragraph to prepare the reader for the coming topic change. When you deal with only one topic, with subtopics of problems related to it, you do not need to force a transition because that comes naturally in the flow of the discussion. Try to revise the essay in that manner and see if it will also flow naturally for you. I believe you will see the difference in the smoothness of the essay discussion once you try it :-)

Vangiespen:
I do think you are right, having only 2000 characters available I had some problems. Also the arguments a made were partial. I corrected the last 2 paragraphs could you take a glance on it? and tell how do you think..

Thank you!

[...]Continuing on this path, it won't be long before earth becomes uninhabitable. To resolve this arduous problem, scientists are seeking ways to reduce the consumption of petrol, carbon and wooded fuels substituting old fueled technologies with new techs powered by wind, sun, electrical powers etc. Recently, the world's most polluted countries, China and US made the pledge to reduce their emission within the 2030. However, developing alternative technologies to cover the energy consumption of the entire world population should be the priority the new generation has to deal.

There are other important challenges, as the global economical crisis, the formation of newborn generation, the global decrease of basic resources as water. Along with the issue of Energy sustainability, all these arguments are key challenges my generation has to face and try to solve.

Hi Sisi, you came up with a good alternative to your previous paragraph. However, rather than referring to the global solutions to the problem, it would be a better touch to come up with some alternative solutions that the current generation can come up with. Practical solutions that show the foundation of possible sustainable energy sources. Recycling and waste management leading to the powering up of the nations would be a good touch. For example, you can explain how your generation has come up with cars that run on used vegetable oil. Then again that poses a new problem, where to get the massive amounts of used oil that can be processed for this purpose. Do you see where I am headed with that suggestion? From sustainable energy, I offered a solution, which then led to another all important problem related to sustainable energy. That is what we are looking to accomplish in your essay. It should be doable within the character count requirement. If you feel that you need help with that, let me know and I will come back with a template for you to use as a sample :-)

Hello Luisa, I really thank you for helping me!

I re-corrected the last 2 par. And I think I'm out of new ideas. Tell me what do you think, or if you have some idea to advice. Thank you in advance!

[...]One of the most important challenges my generation should be aware of is Energy Sustainability. The result of the fast developments of many developing and developed countries, through the last 30 years, is a monstrous amount of pollution spread on our Mother Earth. The excess generation of carbon dioxide covered the sky and blocked humans' breath. This pollution is the main cause of global warming, extinction of species and development of dangerous diseases among humanity due to the grimy air. Continuing on this path, it won't be long before earth becomes uninhabitable. To resolve this arduous problem, the new generations should challenge traditional ways to obtain power from petrol and carbon, seeking technologies which use renewable energies such as wind, electrical and sun to cover the entire world power demand. In parallel, are also quite important the reduction of CO2 emission and the waste management. Since wastes increase production of CO2 and impoverishes the rough materials, it has to be controlled. Indeed, the actual professions as Supply chain manager or Logistics manager mainly deal with the problem of optimization of resources.

There are other important challenges, as the global economical crisis, the formation of newborn generation, the global decrease of basic resources as water. Along with the issue of Energy sustainability, all these arguments are key challenges my generation has to face and try to solve.

Try this on for size at 960 characters:

Sustainable Energy is one of the major problems facing our world with dwindling resources. My generation has been tasked to maintain the current energy system, as well as developing new sources of energy in order to keep the modern world going. Part of this task includes making sure that environmental hazards such as noise and air pollution, chemical contamination of the water supply, and deforestation are eliminated or limited in order to create a successful balance between the existence of man and the care of the planet. After all, man and the earth exist in a symbiotic relationship. Once sustainable energy fails, mankind will cease to exist. The more recent generation has already started the ball rolling on sustainable energy with the creation of clean air pacts and other international environmental regulations, the future generation needs to further develop those ideas for continued application to sustainable energy programs internationally.

It's a template but you can use it in full if you want to. I won't mind :-)

Thank you very much Luisa, I really like the changes you made, you included all my ideas in more concise words. If you don't mind I'll fully use it! Thank you again!