Hi! I will apply for GKS graduate degree (education department), can you please help me with my statement? This is the first draft...
GKS graduate degree APPLICATION
I'm the youngest member of a four people nuclear family. My mom is a housewife and my dad is a technician in a factory. For my dad, education is really important, even when my mom asks me to do some chores, he tells me to just focus on my studies and does the chores instead. I believe that it's because of his regret about his bachelor in Gazi University/Department of Education. He could only attend the first year and had to drop the school due to financial problems. That's why he supports me and my brother, who is studying his second university, to focus on our education without regrets. Seeing how my family supports me for education led me to set my goals to be a qualified educator.
During high school, I studied in English language department since I always had a huge interest in learning languages. That's why I attended to AIESEC project to be able to practice English. Then, I started my bachelor in Abant Izzet Baysal University majoring English Language Teaching. In my second year, I studied in Hungary as an exchange student. Although it was my first time staying away from my family this long, I adapted very easily since I love meeting new people, getting to know new cultures and learning new things. I travelled around Europe with only a backpack and plenty of energy. I was very pleased and thankful to be able broaden my horizons by actually going outside of my borders. I was learning from what I see, what I hear and also teaching what I know. Beyond my studies, I was a part time volunteer teacher. I was teaching English to two 5 years old kids. Although there was a barrier of language, I put into practice what I learnt from theories of my major.
Meanwhile, my interest to Korean language and culture also started at that time. I was living in a dormitory and I shared my room with my Korean mate. Being around my Korean friends has naturally pulled me into a whole different culture from mine. So, I've learned Hangul on my own and then just by hearing my friends talk beside me, I've acquired basic Korean. Then I've signed up for an Advanced Korean class as an extra course out of my learning agreement. Thanks to my helping professor Kim Seon Koo, I completed the course with success. Although I didn't have time to study Korean afterwards, I got a TOPIK 3 by just contacting with my friends. Loving Korean food, learning Korean, getting to know kind Korean people made me want to actually go to Korea. That's why I saved my pocket money and bought my ticket to Korea. I didn't just want to travel. I wanted to experience the life in Korea and also improve both my Korean skills and academic skills. So, I volunteered in a study café in Seoul to teach English for two months in 2019. I've had 2 sessions every week day with the range of people 5-60 years old. So, I got to know how Korean education system is, how different people have their own style of learning. On the other hand, I fell in love with local Korean cuisine. I also travelled to other cities such as Ansan, Cheonan, Incheon, Gangwon, Daegu... I was really fascinated that modernism and the culture were combined so naturally.
After coming back to Turkey, I started my last year in university as an exchange student in Kocaeli University. I had a group project in Comparative Education class and we compared Korean and Turkish education system. I've got to know that Korea is one of the bests in education, as I researched and as I observed. Besides appreciating Korean culture, loving Korean cuisine and busy life style, this motivated me a lot to apply GKS to study in Korea and be a qualified educator as well as a beneficial person for both country and the whole society. I want to study in such country to be able to make a balance in education. No doubt that getting the goods from each other and balancing the system will make a better way to our future. Although there is no perfection when it comes to education, I believe and promise myself that I can make it closer to perfect.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Your presentation is a mix of the new and old prompt requirements. You may want to review the new prompt requirements for your revised presentation. The section in this essay about your interest in Korea is not necessary for this application round. So the last 2 paragraphs of this presentation will need to be adjusted to suit the new requirements. From what I have read though, you have some pretty strong information both from your family background and your experiences in life. The fact that you have been a scholar before and attended exchange programs previously makes you a contender in the consideration round. There are definite risks taken and influential events in your life.
Hold it, I changed my mind. I believe that you need to reformat the presentation of the 3rd paragraph instead because it shows that you have a marked experience as a volunteer at the study cafe. Rather than referring to your interest in the Korean language and culture at that time, indicate instead that you were encouraged to travel to Korea by your Korean dorm mate. That will be the most impressive presentation that will cover 2 requirements in one paragraph:
- Person who had a significant influence on you, risks and achievements
- Extra curricular activities and work experiences
That said, you still need to revise your last paragraph. Additionally, in the first paragraph, you mention the family motivating factor, but, there is a missing professional motivation as it relates to your current job. You are currently employed right? In what capacity? How did this job influence your decision to study in Korea? That should also be indicated in the second paragraph as a formal motivating factor.
By the way, what did you mean by your brother attending his second university? Do you mean he is getting a second bachelor's degree? You should clarify that in the presentation. However, since that information is not directly related to you but to your brother, it would be better to delete that reference altogether. The reviewer doesn't need to know too much about your family. Only information about your family as it directly relates to you.
