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LSE International Relations grad essay - correct


deepsea 1 / 1  
Dec 14, 2009   #1
Hello
I am thinking to apply to LSE's IR program and other schools in the US, Columbia SIPA, JHU SIAS, Yale, Georgetown, NYU. Main interest is IR and communications. I dont have the best grades, but my experience is good. Let me know what schools are worth a shot w this essay.

I would be more than happy for any help and input on this personal essay, corrections and feedback. I am willing to help as well.

This was the objective:
You must submit a personal statement with your application form. This should be between 1,000 and 1,500 words. It should describe your academic interests and your purpose and objectives in undertaking graduate study. If you are applying for two programmes please ensure that your personal statement addresses why you are applying for each programme.

Thank you for taking the time and effort!

______

Being a 21st century modern immigrant prepares one for crossing boundaries. Be it national borders, personal limits or sport competitions, I am always looking for the next step. As the eldest son in my family, I have been helping and taking care of my two brothers from childhood. Our strongest tie is what fuels our family: sports and internationalism. Due to my parents immigration to the US, I have been brought up both around Budapest and Boston; attended two middle schools, graduated from two high schools and am graduating from two universities. Being a double "citizen" of both EU and US, I have learned to be open and receptive towards cultural differences. Studying management and mandarin, my goal is to orient towards the Orient and bring the western business culture closer to China. LSE's international ...
Jeannie 10 / 214  
Dec 15, 2009   #2
Being a 21st century modern immigrant prepares one for crossing boundaries.

21st century is about as modern as it gets...

As the eldest son in my family, I have been helping and taking care of my two brothers from childhood. Our strongest tie is what fuels our family: <these seem to have no relation to eachother> sports and internationalism.

These sentences don't tie in very well. You should expand the thought a little, or leave it out. Actually, the rest of the first paragraph runs off in a different direction, so my advise is to complete the thought you started regarding your family ties, then start a new paragraph.

Due to my parents immigration to the US, I was raised in both Budapest and Boston. I attended two middle schools, graduated from two high schools and am graduating from two universities.

After you fix the first paragraph, the beginning of this one will undoubtedly have to change a little.

Being a dual-citizen of both EU and US, I have learned to be open and receptive towards cultural differences. Studying management and mandarin, my goal is to orient towards the Orient and bring the western business culture closer to China. LSE's international relations and global media programs are academically and personallyfit perfectly with my goals, both academic and personal .

I really like this statement; it says a lot about you! One part, though, has me scratching my head..."Studying management and mandarin, my goal..."

This is important to say, but I think it could be said better. Maybe "Having studied...?"

You speak English, Mandarin, German, and Hungarian?! Criminy, that's impressive!

As anBeing?? Having been an active and energetic child, I have learned English and German, and Iearly on , played violin, piano and years of guitar, all while devoting most of my energy to sports. My athletic background provided the foundations of my versatility and perspective: . T he ascetic trainings and competitive spirit of competitions<change that...:) now transform into academic tenacity.

If you are going to say "as an energetic and active child..." I think you should leave out "early on" - it seems redundant. This part needs a little more work. Can you re-organize it with the suggestions I gave? I don't really know your story well enough to say the correct things...

Good job so far! Re-work this first part, and I will help with the rest. Thanks in advance for helping others! You have a lot to give.

Psst> I will see if I can get another contributor or moderator to tag-team and also to answer your question about suggestions for schools...I think this would be great for any school - with minor changes to suit the intention, of course.Unless they charge a fee to try, I say go for all of them! :)

Blue skies!
Jeannie
meisj0n 8 / 272 2  
Dec 15, 2009   #3
Studying management and mandarin

capitalize Mandarin

orient

haha. Mandarin and Orient :]

I have learnt English and German early on, played violin, piano and years of guitar while devoting most of my energy to sports.

learned* Why list what you can do when you want to focus on sports?

the ascetic trainings and competitive spirit of competitions now transform into academic tenacity.

unless you incorporate the other activities into also influencing your academic tenacity.

Teaching young children and adults, I realized giving back to and empowering others is a fulfilling experience.

all that "fluff" about sports and all you learned was giving back? unless you mention more why those activities make you a better person to face your future program, lessen them? or just focus on a few. Great achievement though..

than my peers early on.

you use this technique earlier too. from childhood. maybe rephrase?

than choose to continue

then chose to continue*

During my first year as a BSc management major, I got involved in the world's third largest NGO and largest student organization, AIESEC. This opportunity led me to learn more about cultures, negotiating with partner companies and interact with foreigners while attending conferences in Belgium and managing events in Budapest.

tell more about this experience. sounds interesting and would maybe show how you are prepared for this field. less of the other stuff about schooling? though it does show your ability to cross borders/reach out

As a sophomore, I started my second BA degree majoring in East Asian studies, specializing in Chinese translation at the oldest university in the country. I chose Chinese due to my astuteness in languages and interest in one of the oldest civilizations. As my second eastern language I study Mongolian. While on scholarship at USC Marshall in Los Angeles the next year, I furthered my knowledge with global management courses and Chinese language. I also published articles at the USC China Institute and attended Chinese related events in LA.

more great achievements; however, less verbiage, more importance of these activities. even if you mention them later, describe their importance.

Professionally, I have worked since early high school years, instructing tennis in the summer.

professional tennis? all in one sentence? that's cool. though you could mention how tennis is a diplomatic sport. ahah. maybe a topic sentence for this paragraph that more structures the idea of professionalism.

The creative affairs department, where I worked was responsible for all movie music related issues, thus I got exposed to how the movie business deals with artist and album promotion and soundtrack selection.

incomplete clause.

My joint-internship with the Central Intelligence Agency has provided more international exposure, as I helped the agency recruit applicants and advertise the CIA around LA. I developed our communications platform and ads. Working for a governmental institutions

incomplete? but focus on this, it's again, more strengths that you can focus on for IR/ communications.
what is a sinophile?

Apart from sports, I consider my academic achievements my major accomplishment.

so you bounce back to sports. either need a transition or stronger topic sentence.

My international interest comprises my hobbies.

maybe this can be a topic sentence for a prior paragraph? it just sits here. not surrounded by much, and while it shows you, it seems awkward to place it there.

as I have experience and interest both in International Relations and Global Communications.

you say you do, but most of your essay is more personal. only the China company experience I can pinpoint as experience. i think there may have been more. haha. too much info for me to remember.

I consider international relations and cross cultural communications becoming more and more critical to world stability in the future.

rather weak ending in regards to all your accomplishments. LSE. london. that's cool. So much experience, so many things accomplished. I'm very impressed. maybe you should focus on the

global media

too here. you only mention it a little. less about family, more about these two fields you want to pursue. Let's see what other people have to say.
Fidelis 1 / 11  
Dec 16, 2009   #4
Hey deepsea,

I think your essay is quite good. However, you will need to focus on 1 or 2 experiences/achievements since the way it is now there is just too many such the reader gets lost. you may also need to think whether you need to mention achievements dating back to high school or just concentrate on more recent experiences. I have made some few changes on the version below. Please read mine as well. Thanks

Being a 21st century modern immigrant prepares one for crossing boundaries. Be it national borders, personal limits or sport competitions, I am always looking for the next step. As the eldest son in my family, I have been helping and taking care of my two brothers from childhood. Our strongest tie is what fuels our family: sports and internationalism. Due to my parents immigration to the US, I have been brought up both around Budapest and Boston; attended two middle schools, graduated from two high schools and am graduating from two universities. Being a double "citizen" of both EU and US, I have learned to be open and receptive towards cultural differences. Studying management and mandarin, my goal is to orient towards the Orient and bring the western business culture closer to China. LSE's international relations and global media programs are academically and personally fit to my goals.

As an active and energetic child, I have learnt English and German early on, played violin, piano and years of guitar while devoting most of my energy to sports. My athlete background provide the foundations of my versatility and perspective: the ascetic trainings and competitive spirit of competitions now transform into academic tenacity. I achieved dozens of medals in cycling, skiing and tennis. Skiing has exposed me to crossing national boundaries and personal limits, as I became a national champion in 2002 and competed on the Hungarian National Team around Europe in F.I.S. junior international tournaments. From the winter cold, I spent hot summer days playing tennis, reaching All-Stars on a US high school team and worked as a certified instructor in Boston. Teaching young children and adults, I realized giving back to and empowering others is a fulfilling experience.

Academically, I have been accustomed to heavier workloads than my peers early on. In 5th grade I studied one year in Baltimore and became a Boy scoutboyscout as my parents did their doctoral fellowships. Later I parallel finished high school in EU and US, traveling back and forth each year. I graduated in the US and applied to colleges, thean choose to continue my studies in Hungary. During my first year as a BSc management major, I got involved in the world's third largest NGO and largest student organization, AIESEC. This opportunity led me to learn more about cultures, negotiating with partner companies and interacting with foreigners while attending conferences in Belgium and managing events in Budapest. As a sophomore, I started my second BA degree majoring in East Asian studies, specializing in Chinese translation at the oldest university in the country. I chose Chinese due to my astuteness in languages and interest in one of the oldest civilizations. As my second eastern language I study Mongolian. While on scholarship at USC Marshall in Los Angeles the next year, I furthered my knowledge with global management courses and Chinese language. I also published articles at the USC China Institute and attended Chinese related events in LA.

Professionally, I have worked since early high school years, instructing tennis in the summer. Apart from community works, I developed a website for a Harvard professor's development project in Kosovo. In Los Angeles, I interned a semester for Sony Pictures, under Columbia Picture learning about films and marketing. The creative affairs department, where I worked was responsible for all movie music related issues, thus I got exposed to how the movie business deals with artist and album promotion and soundtrack selection.

My joint-internship with the Central Intelligence Agency has provided more international exposure, as I helped the agency recruit applicants and advertise the CIA around LA. I developed our communications platform and ads. Working for a governmental institutions (incomplete thought)

After, I got accepted to work in Beijing at the American Chamber of Commerce in China. My goal, to further my mandarin skills and knowledge about China from a business perspective became fruitful. I met distinguished speakers, ambassadors, helped at the Chamber's events, managed the digital communications, edited videos and pod casts. The opportunity to work for a major China related business source has been eye-opening and made me a sinophile, more passionate about international relations and China. I realized that experts being able to bridge cultural gaps between nations, having flexibility, global background and language skills are increasingly important in solving globalisation and international conflicts.

Apart from sports, I consider my academic achievements my major accomplishment. Last year, I completed three universities simultaneously, on two continents. Although the academic rigour is stringent, I am happy to be educated and my passion lies in my studies. My international interest comprises my hobbies. I created short videos and pictures online on my personal website and worked in the fashion industry. To be creative and produce permanent works is important to me. I also like to travel, having driven across the US four times and been to most of Europe.

Due to my work experience and interests, specializations in business communications and Chinese, furthering my studies on a world class level at LSE is my goal. I would like to contribute to cross cultural development and use my unique life experiences to make a difference on a larger scale. LSE's joint programs with China are natural fit for me, as I have experience and interest both in International Relations and Global Communications. My current two thesis dealing with digital branding in China and contrasting Confucianism and modern society in the PRC relate to graduate school curriculum. I would be able to publish and research more at LSE, and contribute to the school and international community in an international way.

As having experienced Beijing and China, I know that Peking University and Fudan are leading institutions in the country. My double degree equip me with skills needed to perform well in a world class graduate program such as LSE. I consider international relations and cross cultural communications becoming more and more critical to world stability in the future.
OP deepsea 1 / 1  
Dec 26, 2009   #5
wow amazing, merry xmas to everyone, i will look at the corrections more in detail

THANK YOU


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