*The Monday That Changed My Life* Personal statement for MPH program

This is my personal statement for masters in public health at Johns Hopkins. I had scored very low gre so my hope is work experience and this essay. I am not good at writing. I think the problems are: flow of the passages and story doesn't follow along, I am not sure whether I wrote enough about me or if I need to write more about my experience, poor and lengthy sentence structures that are becoming page fillers. I am also worried that I have answered important questions such as why i am interested in public health, why this school/program, why should they accept me and what are my goals and plans for future. Also the length of the essay needs to be2 pages and currently it's too long,4 pages almost. I don't know where to start shortening. I need to work on title as well.

I would appreciate any help or feedback. Thank you in advance.

The Monday That Changed My Life

When I sat down with Lal in my cubicle chair in the darker corner of the office, little did I know that it was going to be one of my very first emotionally intense and empowering conversations of my career. Lal was my first refugee client at the International Rescue Committee (IRC), a humanitarian aid organization that resettles refugees, where I had started my internship in Public Health. My role as a Public Health Intern was to support and assist refugees to navigate the intricacies of healthcare and other social services system as they walked their road to self-sufficiency and assimilation into new culture. It was Monday, and the Health Team had walk-in hours for individuals who needed assistance. I gave Lal my biggest smile and greeting in Nepali: "namaste", along with my introduction.

As nervous as I was, I noticed that Lal was even more agitated. As a courtesy and with a hope to warm up the vibe, I offered Lal some tea, which he shyly accepted. As we both started sipping the fragrant hot lemon tea, Lal seemed more comfortable and smiled for the first time since he had met me that morning. I asked Lal, "How are you this morning?" Lal frantically replied, "exhausted." Lal accidentally fell asleep and missed his bus stop As an immigrant myself, I understood how scary it felt to get lost in an unfamiliar land with language barriers.

Lal escaped his birth country at age of twelve, in the middle of the night with his mom, when his father was dragged away. In the pitch black, with a tiny ray of hope, and only the memories of home, Lal left that day. After living in the refugee camps for 20 years, Lal was in the US, place he could finally call home.

I grew up in a small landlocked country called Nepal; a land known for bravery and hospitality of Gorkhalis and the tenacious Mount Everest. What most people aren't aware of is that many in my country struggle with poverty and suffer from the rampant corruption. So 12 years ago, my parents sacrificed what they had established in Nepal and crossed oceans to come to USA so that my brother and I did not have to face the same hurdles and could live the American Dream.

As Lal began telling me his story our conversation lapsed into Nepali, a shared language. I could feel him become more comfortable, both from the familiarity of the language and for just that little shared background between us. It reminded me of my own struggles as a young woman in America. Something as simple as not being able to differentiate between the names Michele and Michael lead to me being let go from my first job. Though I grew up learning English, I needed to improve my speaking skills especially pertaining to cultural differences. With practice, not only my speaking English improved but I was able to volunteer as an interpreter in health care settings. My personal experience also seeded my passion and urge to work in vulnerable communities to address barriers causing health disparities and thus improve health equality.

"I am ready for new journey," said Lal as I was shuffling through papers to explain Medicaid to him. I was amazed by his resilience and determination. I sat still with tears in my eyes feeling immense gratitude for this encounter. Meeting Lal, experiencing his indomitable perseverance, and discovering how organizations like IRC could help immigrants like him all proved to be a turning point in my career and life.

I had found my dream! It was during my internship when I realized that Public Health was not just my interest but my calling. I want to advocate for vulnerable population such as refugees, displaced individuals, victims of human trafficking, and more so that individuals such as Lal do not get lost in the chaos of conflict, or the systemic barriers.

It's fair to say that this internship not only helped me grow as a person but also as an academic student. I had struggled with low scores in my first two and half years of college. Working with Lal and others like him brought a renewed sense of dedication to my final two years of college. Upon graduation I was honored to receive an Undergraduate Community Health Service Award for my contributions toward building a healthier community.

I am applying to Johns Hopkins University not only for the golden reputation it holds in the world, or the vivacious city where it lies, but also, the nurturing environment that is rich in diversity with students and professors who are from all around the world with expertise in their areas of interest. I was fortunate to share in this expertise and diversity during a class I took called Quality Assurance Management Methods in Developing Countries in 2012. Not only did we have professors who were experts in the academic world but a majority of my classmates had vast experience in public health and medicine. It was quite inspirational.

As part of this course, I completed a very fulfilling a project in Improving Language Access in Emergency Rooms in the US, which focused on reducing barriers for people like Lal with low english proficiency to be able to access health care and advocate for themselves. This project equipped with skills to identify problems and offer solutions which not only helped me improve my performance at work but also helped me think strategically to the issues in my personal life.

I yearn for that learning experience again. I see the JHU MPH as a valuable next step in personal and professional growth. I also recognize that MPH at JHU is going to take indefatigable efforts and dedication, which I promise to deliver. I want to improve my critical thinking skills and academic knowledge so I can pursue my goal of continuing to support vulnerable communities and ultimately to become a Public Health Advocate.

Hi SH1987: Just some corrections that I noticed in your paper:
This sentence is missing a period, I believe: Lal accidentally fell asleep and missed his bus stop As an immigrant myself, I understood how scary it felt to get lost in an unfamiliar land with language barriers. I also think it could be worded differently to flow better. "As an immigrant as well, I understood what Lal was feeling and how scary it is to be in an unfamiliar place with many language barriers.

That's amazing of your parents. That's a huge sacrifice!

It sounds like you have really found your passion. Your personal statement paints a really good picture of your past and the struggles that you have overcome. I think that adding those "feelings" really help to get your point across to the reader. You're doing an awesome thing for our communities, keep it up.

Thank you so much for your feedback. I am still working on that one sentence wording. I am not satisfied myself. Also with some other sentences in 3rd last, 2nd last and last paragraphs. I started another version of this essay. Which one do you think looks more compelling? Thank you again.

Please provide me some constructive feedback for my personal narrative below. Thank you in advance. Instructions were to write a personal statement that answers why I am interested in public health, why in that specific college, why in that specific program and what my career goals are. My other school asked me for statement of goals. Is that different than what I have below?

Shristi, summarize the story of Lai. It is too long and turns the essay into a personal statement that does not deliver on the requirements provided to you. Make that story no longer than 5 sentences maximum in the introductory paragraph. This will create the foundation of your personal statement. You don't have to tell the whole story. Just tell the reviewer the important points that led to your realization. This is not a creative story narrative.

Your second paragraph should deal with the interest in public health by discussing what you learned from Lai and how it affected you. The third paragraph should deal with your choice of college and specific program with your last paragraph concluding with your career goals. You should by now, already know why you chose John Hopkins and the relation of the Improving Language Access in Emergency Rooms in the USA to your chosen program.

In answer to your question, a personal statement is different from a statement of goals. The requirements for each vary per school so you just have to make sure to deliver the information that each university requires for your application. You can't just develop one essay and use it for all your applications.

Thank you for your feedback. On the 3rd post right above your post, I had taken out details about lal to shorten the essay. Would you say I should still take some Lal related info off of it? Does that post currently have too many adverbs that are unnecessary?

Thank you very much again.

Hi Shristi :-) You have concentrated too much of the essay on your adventure with Lai. That has taken away the focus of the essay from the specific prompt requirements dictated by the university. So you need to simply summarize the inspiration behind Lai and the experience you had with him instead of getting so graphic as to even describe the tea that you poured for him. Those are all unnecessary elements in your current essay.

You need to take the focus off that story because it occupies more than half your essay, which makes it unnecessarily long. In this type of personal statement, you need to keep the answers short and direct to the point. Offer the immediate answers to the prompt requirements as soon as possible. Don't tell a story and then place the required information at the end.

You will have lost the reviewer before you finish telling the story of how you came from a small town and then how Lai inspired your interest in MPH. You have a very limited amount of time to get his attention and at this point, your essay comes across as boring and uninformative since you left the expected answers for almost the very end of the essay. Keep the essay short, informative, and inspiring as best as you can by focusing on yourself and the prompt requirements instead of relying on an anecdote.

Try making it a bit shorter, you don't need to go on and on.

@Tedwards, Thank you for your advice. I plan to take 3rd paragraph out since it's irrelevant compared to the rest. Anything else that you think is completely unncessary for me to put in here? Any feedback would be super helpful.

@Vangiespen, Thank you for your feedback. I agree, I am worried that I filled the essay with irrelevant information. I added something about college, and other activities. Does this look too negative or as if I am making excuses? I did horribly on my GRE, some people are suggesting that I explain why. It's pretty bad and I dont have good explanation besides the fact that I hadn't taken any exam in 6 years and I literally messed it up by spending too much time on one question. So poor strategy, poor excuse, not good for me at all.

"This internship not only helped me grow as a person, but also as a student. Prior to the internship, I had no sense of direction for post-graduation and felt unmotivated to perform well in my classes which reflected through my poor grades. Working with Lal and refugees like him exposed me to the gaps in the health care systems. For the first time, I realized that something that seemed basic to me such as scheduling a primary care appointment could be a challenge to someone such as Lal who had never had a physical exam in his entire life. Seeing how health literacy could help someone advocate for their own health care rights opened my eyes to the field of Global and Community Health. My curiosity to learn about public health and health equality brought a renewed sense of dedication to my final two years of college. Academic classes became fun! Despite working as a full-time assistant manager at a retail store, and interning at IRC, I was determined to excel at my classes . Consequently, I was placed in Dean's List for four consecutive semesters.

My determination to learn did not end with academics. Along with my internship in Bhutanese Community program and volunteering with the Health Team at IRC, I also participated at other non-profit organizations such as Domestic Violence Resource Project as a multilingual advocate for survivors of domestic abuse. Being able to support and advocate for individuals who have battled with abuse and control for years taught me to become compassionate, non-judgemental and resourceful. Furthermore, I learned about racial and ethnic disparities in health care as a Health Promoter at Asian American Health Initiative which validated my passion for public health education, awareness and advocacy in the vulnerable communities. Upon graduation, I received an Undergraduate Community Health Service Award for my contributions toward building a healthier community."

And I am ending with the paragraph below.

"I yearn for the learning experience where I can improve my critical thinking skills and academic knowledge on Public Health. I recognize that MPH at JHU will require relentless effort and dedication, which I promise to deliver. I see the Johns Hopkins University Masters in Public Health program as a valuable next step in my personal and professional growth. I am particularly interested in the concentration Health in Crisis and Humanitarian Assistance. I strongly believe that the courses through this program such as Project Development for Primary Health Care in Developing Countries could give me an insight on health care systems in the developing countries, and equip me with competencies that would allow me to pursue my goal of continuing to support vulnerable communities effectively, and ultimately, become a Public Health Advocate."

Please review this for me. I took out few paragraphs. It's still 3.5 pages double spaced so I have to cut some down but I am not sure what. More of Lal? Also, some of my sentences are very long such as the last sentence in first paragraph. Do you have any suggestion on how to break this down? Thank you for your help.

...

Let's start at the end and work our way to the beginning. Working in reverse should help you better understand the reasons behind the revisions to your essay that I will be suggesting :-) I know, this isn't easy to write because a personal statement is so open topic that one will tend to write a novel if given a chance. We will try to avoid doing that.

To start with, your conclusion is better suited for the end of your statement of purpose. Your concluding paragraph in a personal statement should instead just indicate that you are more than prepared for the challenges that lie ahead for you due to your character and student traits. The best way to close the essay would be using the following lines:

I yearn for the learning experience where I can improve my critical thinking skills and academic knowledge on Public Health. I recognize that MPH at JHU will require relentless effort and dedication, which I promise to deliver. I see the Johns Hopkins University Masters in Public Health program as a valuable next step in my personal and professional growth.

The additional statement you wrote seems to be more useful and insightful than the previous paragraphs you wrote. I would have to see it merged with the rest of the essay in order to better asses if it actually works with the previous statements made. If it doesn't. I'll help you make it work :-)

Now, about your bad GRE grades, write a paragraph about it in the essay. Let's see if it will help the essay or not. Basically, I need you to write a totally new essay with these elements that you mentioned and then, we can get together and work on improving it so that you can develop your final personal statement :-) Would that work for you?

You made such a good point. I agree as well. This would fit better in the end and perhaps what I wrote about courses should be in the beginning. It's so hard to see different perspective on something that you work for so long. So your advice is valuable to me. Thank you. I think starting a fresh new essay might be helpful for me. I don't want to be stuck on Lal and miss my opportunity to explain important things

Urgent help please: This is due today. I made some changes. I had no time to write a new essay and now I am a bit worried that my slim chances will be hurt even more. I changed some words and also moved the paragraphs. Does this even flow well? Also, some sentences are so long and I can't seem to break them down. This is 1085 words which is okay. Only instruction was to keep under 3 pages.Thank you for your guidance and support.

...

Updated one: Urgent help please: This is due today. I made additional changes. I am not sure how to edit the previous document. I apologize for long posts. Thank you for your guidance and support.

The Monday that Changed My Life

It was an unforgettable day during my internship when I realized that Public Health was not just my interest, but my calling. Although I had a vague idea of a career in health promotion, meeting Lal, my first refugee client at the International Rescue Committee (IRC), a humanitarian aid organization, blossomed my idea into a firm desire to become a public health advocate. I saw an opportunity to improve health equity by addressing the barriers that cause health disparities in vulnerable communities such as refugees, displaced persons and victims of human trafficking.

It was Monday, and the Health Team at IRC had walk-in hours for individuals who needed assistance.When I sat down with Lal in my cubicle in the darkest corner of the office, little did I know that I was about to begin one of the first emotionally intense and empowering conversations of my career. Lal was a Bhutanese refugee who had spent almost 20 years in the refugee camps of Nepal. A week ago, the IRC had resettled him in the U.S. My role as a Public Health Intern was to support and assist refugees in navigating the intricacies of healthcare and other social services as they walked their road to self-sufficiency and assimilation into a new culture. I introduced myself to Lal with my biggest smile and greeting in Nepali: "Namaste."

As nervous as I was, I noticed that Lal was more anxious. I asked, "How are you this morning?" "Exhausted" Lal frantically replied. He had accidentally fallen asleep and missed his bus stop. As an immigrant myself, I understood how disconcerting it feels to get lost in an unfamiliar land with language barriers.

I grew up in a small landlocked country called Nepal, a land known for the bravery and hospitality of the Gorkhalis and the tenacious Mount Everest. However, what most people are not aware of is that many in my country struggle with poverty and suffer from rampant corruption. Twelve years ago, my parents sacrificed what they had established in Nepal and crossed oceans to come to the USA.

As Lal began telling me his story, our conversation lapsed into Nepali. Using a shared language, I could feel him become more comfortable, both from the familiarity of the language and for that little shared background between us. It reminded me of my own struggles as a young woman in America. Looking back at that moment intensifies my desire to study at the famed Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.

"I am ready for a new journey," said Lal as I was shuffling through papers to explain Medicaid to him. Amazed by his resilience and determination, I sat still with tears in my eyes, feeling immense gratitude for this encounter. Meeting Lal, experiencing his indomitable perseverance, and discovering how organizations like IRC could help immigrants like him proved to be a turning point in my career and life.

This internship not only helped me grow as a person, but also as a student. Prior to the internship, I lacked a concrete sense of direction for post-graduation and felt unmotivated to perform well in my classes which reflected through my poor grades. Working with Lal and refugees like him exposed me to the gaps in the healthcare system. For the first time, I realized that something that seemed rudimentary to me such as scheduling a primary care appointment could be a challenge to someone such as Lal who had never had a physical exam in his entire life. Seeing how health literacy could help someone advocate for their own health care rights opened my eyes to the field of Global and Community Health. My curiosity to learn about public health and health equality brought a renewed sense of dedication to my final two years of college. Academic classes became enjoyable! Despite working as a full-time assistant manager at a retail store and interning at IRC, I was determined to excel in my classes. Consequently, I was placed on the Dean's List for four consecutive semesters.

My determination to learn did not end with academics. Along with full-time college, internship in the Bhutanese Community program and volunteering with the Health Team at IRC, I also participated at non-profit organizations such as Domestic Violence Resource Project as a Bilingual Advocate for survivors of domestic abuse. Being able to support and advocate for individuals who have battled with abuse and control for years taught me to become compassionate, non-judgemental and resourceful. Furthermore, I learned about racial and ethnic disparities in health care as a Health Promoter at Asian American Health Initiative, which validated my passion for public health education, awareness and advocacy in the underserved communities. Upon graduation, I received an Undergraduate Community Health Service Award for my contributions toward building a healthier community.

Because of its world-class reputation, vivacious campus and stimulating environment enriched by a diverse student body and faculty, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health is my first choice for MPH program. I was fortunate to share in this expertise and diversity in 2012 when I took the class "Quality Assurance Management Methods in Developing Countries" and successfully completed it with an A grade. Learning amongst individuals with vast experience in public health and medicine was inspirational. As part of this course, I completed a very fulfilling project in Improving Language Access in Emergency Rooms in the USA. This project equipped me with skills to identify problems and offer solutions which helped me improve my performance at work and think strategically about issues in my personal life.

As a Masters candidate at JHU, the concentration "Health in Crisis and Humanitarian Assistance" will equip me with competencies that would allow me to pursue my goal of advocating for individuals such as Lal so they do not get lost in the chaos of conflict or stymied by systemic barriers everywhere. Courses such as "Refugee Health Care" will help me understand the health journey of refugees. "Project Development for Primary Health Care in Developing Countries" will give me insight into the health care systems in developing countries and prepare me to support vulnerable communities effectively.

I yearn for the learning experience where I can improve my critical thinking skills and academic knowledge on Public Health. I recognize that MPH at JHU will require relentless effort and dedication, which I promise to deliver. I see the Johns Hopkins University Masters in Public Health program as a valuable next step in my personal and professional growth.

Shristi, I edited the essay by removing whole paragraphs that did not really resonate with the needs of your personal statement. So the essay became shorter, although I am not sure if it falls within you required word limit at 731 words. Do we still have time to edit it down if need be? Anyway, here is what I came up with in order to shorten, tighten, and smooth out the content of your essay:

It was an unforgettable day during my internship when I realized that Public Health was not just my interest, but my calling. Although I had a vague idea of a career in health promotion, meeting Lal, my first refugee client at the International Rescue Committee (IRC), a humanitarian aid organization, blossomed my idea into a firm desire to become a public health advocate. I saw an opportunity to improve health equity by addressing the barriers that cause health disparities in vulnerable communities such as refugees, displaced persons and victims of human trafficking.

It was Monday, and the Health Team at IRC had walk-in hours for individuals who needed assistance.When I sat down with Lal in my cubicle in the darkest corner of the office, little did I know that I was about to begin one of the first emotionally intense and empowering conversations of my career. Lal was a Bhutanese refugee who had spent almost 20 years in the refugee camps of Nepal. A week ago, the IRC had resettled him in the U.S. My role as a Public Health Intern was to support and assist refugees in navigating the intricacies of healthcare and other social services as they walked their road to self-sufficiency and assimilation into a new culture. I introduced myself to Lal with my biggest smile and greeting in Nepali: "Namaste."

As Lal began telling me his story, our conversation lapsed into Nepali. Using a shared language, I could feel him become more comfortable, both from the familiarity of the language and for that little shared background between us. It reminded me of my own struggles as a young woman in America. Looking back at that moment intensifies my desire to study at the famed Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health.

"I am ready for a new journey," said Lal as I was shuffling through papers to explain Medicaid to him. Amazed by his resilience and determination, I sat still with tears in my eyes, feeling immense gratitude for this encounter. Meeting Lal, experiencing his indomitable perseverance, and discovering how organizations like IRC could help immigrants like him proved to be a turning point in my career and life.

This internship not only helped me grow as a person, but also as a student. Prior to the internship, I lacked a concrete sense of direction for post-graduation and felt unmotivated to perform well in my classes which reflected through my poor grades. Working with Lal and refugees like him exposed me to the gaps in the healthcare system. For the first time, I realized that something that seemed rudimentary to me such as scheduling a primary care appointment could be a challenge to someone such as Lal who had never had a physical exam in his entire life.

Seeing how health literacy could help someone advocate for their own health care rights opened my eyes to the field of Global and Community Health. My curiosity to learn about public health and health equality brought a renewed sense of dedication to my final two years of college.

My determination to learn did not end with academics. Along with full-time college, internship in the Bhutanese Community program and volunteering with the Health Team at IRC, I also participated at non-profit organizations such as Domestic Violence Resource Project as a Bilingual Advocate for survivors of domestic abuse. Being able to support and advocate for individuals who have battled with abuse and control for years taught me to become compassionate, non-judgemental and resourceful. Furthermore, I learned about racial and ethnic disparities in health care as a Health Promoter at Asian American Health Initiative, which validated my passion for public health education, awareness and advocacy in the underserved communities. Upon graduation, I received an Undergraduate Community Health Service Award for my contributions toward building a healthier community.

As a Masters candidate at JHU, the concentration "Health in Crisis and Humanitarian Assistance" will equip me with competencies that would allow me to pursue my goal of advocating for individuals such as Lal so they do not get lost in the chaos of conflict or stymied by systemic barriers everywhere. Courses such as "Refugee Health Care" will help me understand the health journey of refugees. "Project Development for Primary Health Care in Developing Countries" will give me insight into the health care systems in developing countries and prepare me to support vulnerable communities effectively.

Hello
Word limit is actually not stated. Just that it needs to be less than 3 pages. Thank you very much:)