Graduate Personal statement - MPH; St John's University (International Organizations)

Hi I need help making my essay more specific, the website didn't help that much since there's not much info

so my advisor said this paragraph is too general, make it more specific. Any help?? how can I make it more persuasive and interesting?

Exploring International Organizations

After endless research on universities and programs, I found the program at St John's University to be appealing. Located at the metropolitan city of New York, studying at St John's will give me a great exposure to international organizations dealing with human rights and health issues. Moreover, joining a university with such a diverse cultural fabric will enrich the global education experience I'm seeking.

At Saint John's students are well equipped to know how to manage their tasks from planning, implementing and monitoring to evaluating, adjusting and executing their desired projects or interventions in public health issues.

Saint John's program would be very adequate to help me become stronger in the analytic and practical aspects of public health to further understand different factors affecting health, illness, prevention and adequate health care delivery. To add to that, their internship affiliation programs with different NGOs such as United Nations and World Health Organization is a great exposure to international strategies and tactics on how to deal with issues locally and globally.

I can see myself succeeding at Saint John's program, because it offers perspectives, motivation and challenges. I am looking at the broad range of classes that are offered and feeling motivated to comprehend the challenging courses that lay ahead of me.

i think that is a good essay, you have listed your expectations when you study there. but, if i suggest to you to list your achievements, abilities and activities which can support your if you will have chosen.

I see that you used the words "great exposure" twice, it would be better if you could reword it so it doesn't sound redundant. For example, "To add to that, their internship affiliation programs with different NGOs such as United Nations and World Health Organization is a great exposure to international strategies and tactics on how to deal with issues locally and globally." try "In addition, their internship affiliation programs with different NGOs such as United Nations and World Health Organization will further expose me to international strategies and tactics on how to deal with issues locally and globally. "

"I can see myself succeeding at Saint John's program, because it offers perspectives, motivation and challenges. I am looking at the broad range of classes that are offered and feeling motivated to comprehend the challenging courses that lay ahead of me." For this sentence you could try "I will succeed in this program because of the different perspectives it will give me as well as challenge and sharpen my skills."

After endless research on universities and programs, I found the program at St John's University to be appealing.appeals me the most.

Well, I get your teacher's point. Without keep telling about general things, try to align the features of St John's with how you are going to achieve your own goals. Then it would sound more specific :)