Guys, here's my personal statement for a master program in computer science.
Please give me some comments, thanks :)
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Dear Sir/Madam,
Hereby I would like to express my keen interest in the [University name], and particularly in the Master program in Computer Science.
More than ten years ago, I was very fascinated when first introduced to the computer, and until now, computer still is the most exciting thing in my life. The more rapidly the power of Internet and information technology has risen, the bigger my interest in computer science, which I am studying as my undergraduate major in the [my current University], becomes.
Admittedly, my own life-long goal is to be a professional computer scientist and the Master's degree program I have chosen - Computer Science, is surely not an accidental choice of mine since computer science itself and mathematics are no doubt the two areas which I enthusiastically engage in my whole life. When I was in high school, I already studied calculus, discrete maths, linear algebra, numerical computations in many advanced topics since my class was specialized in mathematics, and up until now, mathematics and algorithms are always my strengths. At the 12th grade, I was among the top ten students achieving first prize at city level, certificate of outstanding student in mathematics. During two years in the [my first university], I was in the top three students in A, B, and C subjects. For another two years in the [my current University (transfered from my first university)], I was the one who had highest grade in D, and E, and also among the best students in F, G, and H. Therefore, I strongly believe that I have the necessary combination of self-motivation, background, personality and academic knowledge to succeed in the Master's degree program.
Outside the classroom, playing intelligent Real-time Strategy Games is one of my extra activities. It has helped me to improve my creative strategy thinking, develop leadership and collaboration skills with team members, and also, make new friends all over the world. I was one of the two most skillful StarCraft gamers in my country who was qualified to participate in the Grand World Cyber Game 2005 in Singapore.
Furthermore, during two years studying in the United Kingdom as a transfer student from [my home country], I recognized that, beside academic knowledges and skills regarding to my course, I have gained many valuable experiences, discovered many new things, and become more and more independent as well as self-confident in this excellent education environment with appropriate teaching method and up-to-date teaching facilities. I also realized that United Kingdom is one of the best countries with an international reputation for innovative education, leading edge, practical research, and high ranking in the world. Finally, I truly know that I have enjoyed my time here very much, and hence, would like to continue my studies in your university to further improve my future prospects and my professional life. [this last sentence is for my current university]
(for other universities: Finally, understanding that when it comes to quality education, I have no doubt that [uni name] is the appropriate one for me, since it provides the right academic climate and a unique mix of educational advantages, thus, I would like to continue my studies in your university to further improve my future prospects and my professional life.)
Thank you in advance for considering my application. It would be a great honor for me if given an opportunity to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university
Yours sincerely,
[My name]
This is a very nice essay! For the first part, I think "hereby" is a little too fancy. How about:
Hereby I would like to express my keen interest in the [University name], and particularly in the Master program in Computer Science, and my sincere gratitude for your consideration of my application.
And then at the end you can omit that mention of thanks, and just write: It would be a great honor for me if given an opportunity to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university.
And here, you need a dash on each side:
degree program I have chosen -- Computer Science -- is surely...
I recognized that, beside academic knowledge
