To Yale Silver from Belarus startup industry

Dear forum! Thank you in advance for some comments.
I'm applying for Yale Silver Program and would like to hear comments on my essay. I have like 100 extra words so I would be really thankful if you advice what to cross out.

My SOP:

"What is the greatest commitment you've ever made?"

I definitely know if a person desires to change the world, it must be a revolution rather than reformation. At the age of 18 I have launched a world unique art performance of metro station redesign at the interface of industrial light and architecture to provide art space to young creative community, which is always hidden behind masters' backs. The project was so tough so it required above 500 people throughout - artists from 3 countries, engineers, high-ranked design bureaus and, surely, administration of the strategic, military object - Metro. 3 years of heading the project fully put under the pressure my greatest commitment - to remain uncompromising in what I believe in. Even if it's painful like a long term absence of money or results in my startups.

Diving into my BA in Medicine Electronics, I've firsthand seen how startups and inventions in neuroaugmentations, exoskeletons and prothesis are becoming a next step of humanity in discovering physical and mental abilities, our planet and understanding our existence. Countless sleeping research achievements surrounded me along with initiative students and I took that opportunity. I've launched my own community to help such achievements and students to discover market and to find my own teams. Together we developed cheap protheses basing on my childish development of exoskeleton leg to help my grandpa and led muscles activity detector to 1st round venture investments. However, the majority of the perspective projects are still get rejected due to the poor team management, strategic planning and financial documentation, which made me understand that my uncompromising commitment requires solid bring-to-market strategies and management education.

Today there are several labs around the world targeting to solve by 2030 three major problems in next-generation exoskeletons and prothesis development: artificial muscles, capacious sources of energy and non-invasive control of brain impulses. While they work separately and scientists are focused on advanced technical problems without considering the practicality of their approaches, I plan carefully shape them to serve consumers needs by solid product vision and analyzing upcoming trends. So, long-term, I'll develop my own product company, bringing together such as mentioned in-lab inventions and financial resources of the US largest investments funds as BlackRock, JPMorgan Chase, BNY Mellon to focus on advancing healthcare technologies. I plan to unite particular single technologies and labs teams in new human electronics products, rather than just advising funds. To accomplish this, I need to develop my ability to base product and management decisions on data, statistics rather than on my belief in success. So short-term, I'll join asset management teams of the mentioned funds, focusing on innovative technologies.

However, my commitment deals with super fast-growing domain and I still must fill gaps in my consumer vision in terms of B2C and market analysis through a SOM MBA.

Classes like Investor and Customer will provide the analytical skills to ensure my product vision is based on sufficient research, marketing and consumer data. In particular I want to work with prof. Shapiro, whose courses on Coursera I took last year, as his expertise in politics could teach me to see innovations in terms of social and political impact. Then, to put these skills into practice, I'll work with Prof. M. Dollar at the Human Machine Interface research area, providing my solid post-soviet engineering expertise in Medicine Electronics and prototyping, and market research with analytical skills gained at SOM.

For all of these reasons, Yale's education and work experience are the best place for me to make my commitment way less suffering and tough.

The presentation shows 2 definite things:
- A career plan covering long term visions
- A desire to effect a change in the field of work you plan to enter

The weakness, is that you do not discuss how you plan to use your internship year to help you achieve these goals. Rather than focusing on a professor from Yale, find a partner firm that can help expose you to the real world realities of the product development and business plan that you have in mind. avoid the reference to political impact. As a person engaged in medical tech, you have practically taken the Hippocratic Oath to serve people, regardless of social level, political beliefs, and religious background, among others. Focus only on the social impact of your vision and how you plan to change lives, like those of your grandfather.

@Holt
Thank you for the advice!
I rebuilt it a bit. Does it seem stronger?
However, my commitment deals with a fast-growing domain and I still must fill gaps in my consumer (B2C) vision and market analysis through a SOM MBA. Classes like Investor and Customer will develop my ability to base product and management decisions on data, statistics rather than belief in success. I will use the internship year to get into the US startup industry, oversee product management processes by internship in Ycombinator internal team to apply these knowledge in asset management later. To put hard skills into practice in the 2nd year, I'll use the opportunity to work with Prof. M. Dollar at the HMI research area, providing my solid post-soviet engineering expertise in medtech and prototyping, and market research with analytical skills gained at SOM.