Is punishment necessary to help children learn distinction what's right or wrong?

The question:from the IELTS 10 TEST1,writing task 2

Present a written argument or case to an educated reader with no specialist knowledge of the following topic.
It is important for children to learn the difference between right and wrong at an early age. Punishment is necessary to help them learn this distinction.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
What sort of punishment should parents and teachers be allowed to use to teach good behaviour to children?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Should we punish children? What's your reason?

Answer:
It is significant for early age children to distinguish right and wrong.As the description above, it said punishment is essential to help children learn the contrast between right and wrong.

I agree with this opinion.People should punish kids when necessary.There are three reasons to support this view.First, children might make mistakes next time without punishment.The reason to impose a punishment is to warn the children not just to punish.If adults don't punish them, the children won't learn a lesson from this experience. Second,with my experience that I suspected in junior high schools.If students don't get any punishment,they will interrupt others in the class.It will unable teachers to teach other students.Third,sometimes children don't own correct perspectives, therefore, punishment is set to get rid of their wrong behavior or thoughts.

From my perspective, the physical punishment is not allowed to give to children,because it will hurt their body and mental state.With my experience, parents and teachers need to let children understand the exact reason why they are banished.Hence,I side with the punishment which can deprive of their freedom or rights temporarily.Such as being grounded,a timeout.By means of these punishment,children can respect themselves also follow the rules.In conclusion,I am in favour of appropriate punishments instead of complete punishment.

I think there are several mistakes that i can point out for you.
Firstly, you haven't stated your opinion clearly in the introduction, thus, you may lose points in terms of task completion . My advice is to show your agreement or disagreement at the beginning of your essay.

Secondly, you should follow the construction of a proper essay which includes the opening, the 2 paragraphs containing your ideas and illustration to your answer and the conclusion in which you will summarize the discussion and rewrite your opinion.

Thirdly,there are problems with your end marks, you should know where to put them and should not use them when the sentence itself is not fully meaningful . Not to mention your sentence is quite short sometimes due to the misuse of your end marks. You can try to combine the 2 short sentences into a lengthy one. This not only helps you practice linking words and ideas but also makes your essay more concise and fluent.

Cheer.

Ethel, your task accuracy score for this essay will come down to a 3. That will also translate into the final score for your essay because of the inadequacies of your presentation. Your first problem, is that you did not properly paraphrase the prompt. The first paragraph always requires the test take to prove his English comprehension and writing skills by properly restating the topic for discussion, type of discussion, and transition sentence at the end of it. It is always assumed that the examiner will not have access to the question you were given to discuss so you will need to present your own understanding of those required elements prior to your full discussion in the body paragraphs.

Your discussion will score a 3 in terms of cohesiveness and coherence as well. That is based upon the fact that you did not properly develop your reasoning process per paragraph. In this instance, one discussion your opinion required one paragraph. One discussion, in a separate paragraph of your personal experience was also required. By discussing the ideas in the same paragraph, you did not properly transition the discussion so you ended up creating a confusing paragraph instead. It was confusing because your explanations lacked relevance and did not relate to each other. That is why individual paragraphs need to be assigned in this instance.

The biggest problem of your essay at this point relate to the opening statement and conclusion. I already explained the problem of the opening statement to you. The problem with your conclusion, simply put, is that you do not have one. There is no proper summation of the discussion at the end which would have required a recapitulation of the previous discussion, personal experience, and grounding method. The conclusion is as important as the opening statement as this also relates to your task accuracy score.

Hi, Albert
Thank you for your comment,I haven't practiced my writing skills for a long while.It looked like I need to practice a lot to improve it.

I will rewrite it when I am available.I appreciate your help.

@Holt

Hi,Mary
It's great you point out my mistakes directly! I will learn the writing structure again,sorry that I didn't take any formal writing class since I graduated from senior high.Thank you for letting me know the biggest problem,I will rewrite it.Thanks for reaching me out.