Writing Feedback / Living in a country as a non-native language speaker [2]

Avoid referring to people using pronouns in a Task 2 essay. That is because you must write from a general standpoint wherein your opinion presentation should be all inclusive. There is no Me and You or You and I. There are only people and their opinions. Good work on your writer's opinion and thesis statement though. It clearly shows the discussion path you want to take with this essay defense. The non-reference should be an overall part of the essay. You often refer to the reader in the presentations, which will be a problem since you are referring to the examiner, who is not supposed to be included as a reference target. This is a good effort at writing a task 2 essay. You actually did a good job of discussing the basis of your opinion. It is the pronoun presentation that proved to be its problematic aspect. Otherwise, it was a good job on your part.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master's Degree in Electrical Engineering at TU Delft [2]

Your essay does not flow as a solid document because you have divided it into chapters or discussion points based on the writing guide. The writing guide is just that, a tool to assist you with the continuity of your written information. It should not be seen in any form within your response statement. Format this essay properly or the reviewer will assess you as a non professional who is trying to get into one of the most difficult universities in the world. This is the work of a college level person, not a college graduate and professional looking to gain enhanced knowledge and skills. Your hypothetical project is non-existent. Though you wrote a response to the prompt, you did not offer a solid project that could be seen as proving you know what you are getting into with this course and how to apply it professionally.

Letters / Motivation Letter - MSc In Quantitive Finance ETH UZH [3]


There is no helpful information in this paragraph. There is no proof of tertiary academic strength since you are not presenting your accomplishments in the form of honors and recognition received. All of which prove that you have a formidable academic foundation in relation to your MSc studies.


Remove this part. The admissions committee is not interested in your personal drama. It does not help move the essay forward in any way. It does not respond to any written interview information or expectations.


They do not need to know hour positions held. You should not be extending your resume in this discussion. Unless you can show how these responsibilities have helped you gain traction in the field and led to your decision to take the MSc overseas, then there is no reason to tell them about something they will read about in your resume anyway.

Scholarship / The Art of Living - Master Program SoP [3]

It would appear that you have an inclination to participate in the UN-SDG of your country. Your motivation will be a lot clearer and significant if you connect your motivation for masters studies with those goals, using specifics whenever possible. Try to focus on your professional motivations in the presentation. While you may discuss your college career as a part of the motivation, it should be mentioned in terms of representing how far the education got you within your field, before you decided that you need to upskill by taking a masters course overseas. Adjusting the essay to make it less wordy and more focused on your purpose for study and its basis will help the essay become more interesting. Right now, it is too long and cannot hold the interest of the reviewer because of the lack of proper focus in the discussion paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Grandma and quilting - my personal essay for college [3]

I admire the influence that your grandmother had in your life. She was truly a special person. Your relationship with her was indeed something that helped you learn several things about life. Quilting is a definite reference point for you in everything that you do. However, I would like to lessen the reference to your grandmother and quilting in the essay. It takes the focus away from you, as the central character. Would it be possible for you do that? Or are you responding to a specific prompt that requires the presentation of your essay to be like this? I cannot really go beyond this evaluation of your essay and hints about how to help you since you did not provide the prompt for the essay. Targeted advice can only be provided when I have a solid guideline to follow / compare your work to.

Scholarship / Challenging yourself outside of the comfort zone - Loran scholarship essay [2]

I believe that there is a lack of clarity when it comes to describing what your comfort zone is. The first paragraph spent a lot of time discussing your drive and determination for most things, except for your body. Now, that is where the lack of clarity comes from. Surely laziness is not the only reason for your being overweight. That is where the "comfort zone" description comes in. There has to be a strong factor that kept you from exercising even as your weight ballooned. Not even being benched by the coach drove you out of the comfort zone. So what was this comfort zone all about? The second paragraph works well to describe how you finally got out of the comfort zone, I can pretty much guess what it was. So a more relevant introduction to it is necessary in the first paragraph. Just to make sure that you and the reviewer are on the same page regarding the comfort zone.

Scholarship / Most significant contribution to your school or extended communities - scholarship essay [3]

I believe that you spent way too much of the word count on setting up the premise for your response. You should set up the scene quickly within the first paragraph. That way you get the introduction of you being the helpful newbie out of the way immediately, allowing you focus more on the actual subject of the essay. which is you as the senior student camp leader.

That particular aspect of the response deserves more focus and discussion from you. While you tried to remain light in the narration, it would not hurt you to delve a little deeper to show how you handled the problematic participants or events in the scenario. That would show a more involved participation on your part with regards to social and community building.

Writing Feedback / What determines success in life? - opinion essay [3]

Based on the writer's opinion that you presented, it appears that you should be using the 3 reasoning paragraph opinion presentation for this essay. That means you should be presenting information as follows:

1. A 3rd person explanation of the first opinion, refraining from presenting your reasons for not supporting it.
2. A 3rd person explanation of the 2nd opinion, this time include a sentence that shows your support for it.
3. A 1st person explanation of your personal opinion. This should expand on the reason that you gave in the previous paragraph for supporting the reason.

You cannot use a personal opinion for the explanations of the 2 given reasons from the original prompt. You have to be unbiased when explaining those 2 reasons because this is a comparative opinion essay.

Scholarship / Mastercard Scholarship - Msc Public Policy Essay [2]

Avoid opening the essay with a defeatist attitude and negative character presentation. You want to make a positive impression on the reviewer, this current opening is a disaster because you are telling the reviewer what you do not like about yourself and what you failed at. Since the scholarship will prioritize trailblazers and people whose quest for success has a proven track record, you will already have lost the chance to win the scholarship based on the first few sentences of this statement. Revise it. Deliver a positive image for yourself. Make sure that you focus on your professional development from the start to the present, skirting any negatives, then integrate these into your personal development. The essay requires a serious rewrite focused on the points I mentioned.

Graduate / Biotechnology and bioengineering - commonwealth development impact statement [2]

Unfortunately, your response does not provide the expected responses to the Commonwealth Development Impact statement as required. The written response should make sure to address the following areas of interest to the scholarship reviewers:

How your proposed study relates to:
-Development issues at the global, national and local level
-Development issue connected to your chosen CSC theme and the wider sector.

If you read your statement, you did not come anywhere near a proper response to the aforementioned studies and concern levels. You will do well to delete this response and develop a better answer that is more aligned with the above writing requirements. You must properly respond to these targeted discussion topics if you wish to have a chance at a proper candidate consideration for the scholarship.

Undergraduate / Ballet dancing - Common App Personal Essay [3]

The early part of your essay is riddled with uncorrected spelling errors and incorrect sentence structures. Being Indian, you should be writing a paper better than this since English is the second language of your country. Please edit the paper for these mistakes. Surely you would have spotted these problems if you had reviewed the essay before hitting the Post Message button.

I will leave it up to you which prompt you wish to use with this essay. While I believe that it will be better suited to the first discussion topic, you may have a different take on the writing guide. Go with the topic that you feel you want to use the essay with. That is a decision which is personal so only you can make that choice.

Undergraduate / Tell us who you are - what would your friends/family say [2]

The most common mistake that college applicants make in this presentation is that they always address the input in the first person. Be conscious of the time reference as implied in the original prompt. Whose point of view is being addressed? Tell the story from that point of view. Detach yourself. This is one time that the hearsay form of narration will be well received by the reviewers. It will show that you understand that you are not supposed to be describing how you think they view you. Rather, they need to be the ones speaking in this essay. It would be best to present this information from a past point of view. Second person pronouns would be best since these adequately address the time frame by which the essay response is based. You may use the first person pronouns only when finally connecting the "proud of" discussion to the rest of the essay. So, you cannot be the primary source of information in this essay until the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / The Paradox of Freedom - A College Entry Essay [2]

Do not lose sight of what these college application essays are for. That is, to help the admissions officers and reviewers get to know you via your written interviews. You chose to be philosophical in this writing and that will be accepted. You are speaking in general terms though rather in terms that would help the team get to know you better. I know that you want to highlight your philosophical way of thinking here and your philosophical beliefs. However, the team would be more impressed if you applied these philosophies to yourself instead. Highlight your personality and insight by connecting these in the essay. You can still use the point you made in this essay, just make sure it comes full circle back to you so that the focus of the open topic prompt is not lost in your philosophical writing and point of view.

Writing Feedback / The proportion of dramatic, fantasy films and comedies - Mix Bar graphs [2]

The essay is overwritten at 207 words. The maximum allowable word count for the task 1 essay is 200 words. You will be cutting into the task 2 writing time during an actual test when you write a very long analytical essay. It is important that you properly allot writing time for each essay test type because if you leave either of the essays open ended, you will end up with an automatic failing score.

Your summary overview should be split into 2 sentences since you are presenting 2 different image information. There is an English writing rule that each sentence should focus on a single idea presentation only. That is why you have to separate the information presentation. You are required to clearly differentiate between image information because run-on sentences will result in a failing paragraph score.

Writing Feedback / Task2: Nowadays, people store knowledge on the internet instead of in books. [2]


I believe that I have already warned you about including a personal opinion at the start of the prompt restatement because it creates a promo deviation. Additionally, There is no need for you to attest to anything in the presentation because you will never be asked to validate a particular sentiment. That is because there will always be an opposing idea to the given opinion. These 2 consideration will be the main reasons why your paragraph restatement will receive a failing score.


Please avoid redundancies in the form of constantly restating the discussion topic. Do not use sentences that can be considered word fillers, to help you achieve the word count, but do not help to increase the understanding of, or movie the discussion forward in the paragraph. This creates weak presentations and will affect your overall discussion score.

Essays / Is an Application Essay the same as a SOP or Letter of Intent? [2]

You were right to come to us first to ask this question. There are various graduate application essays that need to be written when applying to graduate schools. You will be asked to write a Personal Statement, a Statement of Purpose, Letter of Motivation, and other written interview documents that a university may require of the applicant. Let me explain to you what a graduate application essay is all about.

The graduate application essay is more commonly known as a personal statement. As such, you should display your personality in this essay that would help the reviewer understand your personality, motivations, and experiences that would help him assess your degree of possible success in the program you are applying to. Normally, you should highlight your ability to positively and effectively impact the members of the department you are applying to.

What if you are asked to write a combination of a personal statement and motivation letter? Depending upon the expectations of the reviewer, which will be based upon the writing prompt for the personal statement that you will be writing, you may be asked to add certain information to the written interview. You could be requested to explain your previous experience, future professional goals, and why you believe that this program is most suitable for obtaining these objectives along with the personal statement information.

Poetry / Introspection poem criticism [3]

A great deal of thought was put into the writing of this poem. You have really put your sense of fragility out for the public to see. The way that you are crippled by a mental block at the start of writing this indicates to me that you are uncertain as to whether this is something you really want to do or not. Perhaps there were concerns that were stopping you from writing what you truly felt? It certainly felt that way to me. Was there some self-doubt involved in your writing process? It would appear that way from the way certain passages were written. Basically, this is you at your most open and vulnerable state that allows the reader to get to know the side of you that is hidden away from society.

Scholarship / Become main front-end developer - Chevening Leadership and Influence Essay [3]

The academic leadership narration is not impressive at all. I would avoid presenting this to the reviewers because it does not really showcase your leadership skills. Rather, you were just an idea person in this case. The conflict presented is not leadership oriented and does not warrant inclusion in an essay that directly looks for the development of your leadership and influencing abilities. It is simply not useful and will not help your application.

As for your professional experience, I would rather than you develop this as the main focus of the overall presentation. You do not need several leadership topics, you need an effective leadership presentation. You can achieve that if you work on a better professional leadership presentation through discussion expansion.

Undergraduate / Essay #1 Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups [2]

You are too simplistic in your discussion. Review the requirements for the content and the basis of the discussion. You are discussing your family in general rather than as a part of an ethnic group or a community. The reviewer will be looking for information about where you come from as a diversity applicant. You have to explain the type of social background that you come from to allow for a better understanding of what makes you unique as a potential student of the university. What makes you special having come from this sector? Why would they think that this social strata will help improve their student community? Consider the other factors indicated for the discussion to better develop your response.

Undergraduate / Defeated ego (undergraduate essay) [2]

You need to edit the word count for this essay. You have to bring it down to 200 or less words since you currently have 203 words written. I cannot do that for you because content editing is a separate paid service at this forum. Additionally, only you can rephrase the presentations in a manner that will keep the meaning of the sentence as you wish to transmit it to the reviewer.

Focusing on Judo as the main topic for this discussion, you avoided the pitfalls that come with trying to discuss 3 activities. You were able to successfully explain your mindset in relation to the explanation requirement. However, you have some punctuation errors or missing punctuation marks that you need to fix when you edit the essay,

Writing Feedback / Editing help about table description "trend" [2]

Try to gain more C+C points in the summary overview section by dividing the thoughts/information into at least 3 sentences. That way you avoid point deductions for writing a run-on sentence, and increase the clarity of your summary statement in the process.


You do not need to place an apostrophe at the end of the word because you are referring to a plural form of the word rather than ownership of the airport.

The other problem in the report is that you are limiting the paragraphs to 2 sentences, which is not an academically acceptable number of sentences for an academic paragraph. You have to write at least 3 sentences for each paragraph to meet this requirement.

Letters / Motivational Letters - MSc in Sustainable Outdoor Hospitality Management [3]


Refer to them as the admissions committee or admissions team members.

You are relating your academic experiences for the most part of this essay, which do not related directly to your professional motivation for the masters course. Do not include those references, discuss your professional considerations instead. These could stem from your professional shortcomings in specific areas of hospitality management, a need for higher learning for career development, the need to upskill for your current position, or similar considerations. Do not focus on the wrong discussion points.

If you edit the essay to focus more on the motivational aspects, you should find that the essay will be stronger and more aligned with whatever writing instructions you were provided for the motivational letter.

Undergraduate / importance of friendship - UBC Personal Profile - What's important to you [2]

I would not change anything about your response to the prompt. It is important to discuss how your mental health was affected by the pandemic. Specially since it almost led you to an isolated existence. The way that you discussed how your friends were there for you, and how you appreciated and reciprocated their acts of friendship and kindness shows a depth of maturity that is expected of a college student. This is a great way to prove that you are ready for any problems that college will throw your way and that you are open to receiving help from others even though you do not notice that you need it. It is insightful and leaves the reviewer with a good impression of who you are and the character type that you have.

Undergraduate / Most significant challenge: Living in the shadow of my twin [3]

I find this to be an engaging and unique take on how the lock-down affected your studies and your personal relationship with your twin brother. The way that you used your difference from him to propel you academically is to be noted because of the well known belief that there is a "more intelligent twin". The way you used the difference in achievements to find your place academically is notable because you did not allow it to destroy your relationship with your brother. It would appear instead that your relationship improved because of the difference in academic paths and accomplishments. This is a well developed response to the prompt that may be of interest to the reviewer. A point for improvement though, you may want to refer to your twin brother and how he reacted to the way you felt about your academic shortcomings at the start. Make him appear to be an inspirational twin who helped you find your place in the family and in academics.

Writing Feedback / Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar - [2]


Read the original prompt. It is written in the past tense format. Therefore, your writing format should follow the correct presentation form. Past considerations rather than active present considerations


This is not a measured response essay. The prompt asks for a simple agree or disagree response. The examiner might view this as you having a problem with following the given writing instructions, which will affect your task accuracy score. Also, do not offer an opinion without a summarized basis for the discussion. It is an incomplete writer's opinion presentation. You need to provide a summary form of the reasons you will be discussing in the next 2 paragraphs.


This prompt discussion deviation will cause an automatic failing score for this paragraph. You are not on point with regards to opinion presentation anymore. you changed the discussion platform which will lead the essay to receive an overall failing score.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Nations should spend more money on skills and vocational training for practical work [2]


Do not make it a habit to misrepresent the original statement in your paraphrasing. This time, the presentation referred to nations, and the representation used the word "individuals" to represent it. Those are 2 highly different reference points. Such deviations will result in task accuracy deductions.


What is the actual basis of the opinion? State it clearly to offer a clear reference to your opinion and thesis statement. A complete score cannot be provided for that consideration otherwise.

Unfortunately, the essay will receive an automatic failing score because it is open ended. It lacks a reference to the reverse paraphrase that is expected in the final paragraph that recaps the previous topic and discussion points.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: Climate change has a negative impact, while others think it providdes more opportunities [2]


This is not supported in the original statement. Examiners will view this as a personal opinion on your part. So it is in the wrong position for the paragraph presentation. This will result in a TA deduction in terms of restatement accuracy. Include this in your personal opinion next time or, avoid making statements that cannot be supported by the original presentation. The rest of the paragraph is actually on point and should not have received any deductions had you avoided this misrepresentation in the paragraph.

The discussion is actually under developed because of the lack of proper comparison and personal opinion presentation in the paragraphs. This is a compare and contrast essay. It is customary for this type of essay to first present the public opinion explanation, and then present your personal opinion opposing or supporting it. It is obvious which paragraph is missing from this presentation which led to the under developed scoring consideration.

Writing Feedback / Task 2: In many countries, mainly tourists, but not local people, visit museums and historical sites [2]


There is no such phrase in English. Did you mean "worthy of concern" instead? Remember that just because a word seems to apply to a particular reference does not mean that it actually applies. Look into the meaning of the word before you use it. That is how you improve your English vocabulary. If you receive too many deductions in the LR section, it could be the very reason you fail the test.


You failed to provide a clear writer's opinion +thesis sentence in the paragraph. This is a non-answer that did not help create a solid presentation of information or your clear point of view as required in the writing instruction.

Your discussion paragraphs are acceptable and show that you understand the topic and how you are expected to discuss it. This is the strong point of your essay presentation. You need to focus on the prompt restatement and writer's opinion paragraph next time. This is your biggest problem point in this presentation.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Nowadays, more and more people decide to have children later in their life. [2]


I am not sure why you are referring to the whole world and many countries in your restatement when the original basis was simply "people". There was no indication of country or world. So you will lose points for an inaccurate representation of the prompt topic.


Kindly complete your thesis statement. You have to provide the discussion topics as the basis of your opinion in short form. That way the examiner has a clear idea of what to expect in terms of discussion topics in the reasoning paragraphs.

I understand what you are trying to say here but you are not framing your ideas properly in the reasoning sentences. Avoid compressing the topic and the reason explanation in the same sentence. That is where the confusion arises. Develop these ideas separately and explain them using simple English wording to avoid word usage confusion.

You should also make sure to follow the correct paragraph formatting next time. Remember that the paragraphs need to be separated by single spaces to make it easier to read.

Writing Feedback / discuss: public libraries or digital information [2]


Ramifications connotes a negative or unwelcome event. You are going to find yourself with LR deductions along with LR deductions due to the confusing nature of this sentence. You are trying to increase your LR score with words that you do not really know how to use in the correct manner.


This will be a GRA deduction. Your presentation would have been clearer if you kept the word usage simple. For example, it would be easier to understand if you had said "crucial BECAUSE OF ITS unparalled..." You do not need to keep using advanced English words when you are not capable of using it within the correct context. A better score in the LR and GRA section is best achieved when you keep things simple in your sentence presentation.

Vocabulary is a big problem for you in this presentation. Therefore, writing 288 words did not prove to be beneficial to your final score. You will still not pass the test.

Undergraduate / How well I know the applicant - Davidson Peer Recommendation Essay [2]

You are not the right person to be writing this essay for this applicant because you do not really know the person. Your references are hearsay. That means you are talking about the person based upon second or third hand information. This person needs someone of a more personal and intimate basis writing this peer recommendation letter. She has to find someone who has known her if not from childhood, then at least 5 years on a personal, rather than social media basis. The reviewers need someone to talk about this person based on aspects that the person may not have written about in the other essay prompts. Therefore, someone who barely knows her cannot write this letter.

Scholarship / Non commmunicable diseases - commonwealth masters scholarship statement [3]

While I admire that you wish to help Botswana as your home country. The focus of your response should not only be based on the national considerations of its CSC theme. There is also a need for you to discuss how you might be able to influence the global, national, and local concerns regarding non communicable diseases. That is the weakest point in your presentation. The discussion is very weak because of a proper solution development plan, relating to the 3 sectors, within your presentation. Even your localized proposal is too general in reference. You need to give more consideration to the 2nd question in the prompt and how you can make it better apply to the 3 sectors referred to in the 1st question.

Scholarship / Career Development and Coaching Studies MA - Leadership and Influence Chevening [2]


Show it, do not say it. This sentence makes you sound so unprofessional. It is like a high school student wrote the essay. It does not built a professional written image for you that would impress the reviewer.


This is irrelevant to the discussion. All the information that you provide should only reference the professional leadership and influencing experience that you have.


Chevening is a non discriminatory scholarship. They do not care how you identify yourself and this will not be a major factor or consideration when deciding if you deserve to get to the 2nd round of considerations or not. Keep the essay politics free. Chevening is non political and the reviewers will not appreciate this reference. It sounds like you are trying to pressure them into giving you a scholarship based on considerations other than merit and your relevant responses to the given writing instructions.

Writing Feedback / The table shows information and predictions regarding the changes in percentage of the population [4]

While the summary overview meets the 2 sentence minimum requirement, it is missing the trending sentence, which would have completed the presentation. The paragraph does not present the complete preliminary information as required by the scoring system.

Always format the page properly by leaving a space between paragraphs. That will help to differentiate between the presentation sets and also, make it easier for the reader to scan the information you have provided.

It is important that you remember not to reference the image in any way that will force the reader to refer to the image to validate your information. The expectation is that you can do that without having the image reference, which the reader does not have access to.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2: Many people believe that there should be only one world legal system [2]


Think is not the same as "believe". The term "think" leaves room for doubt while "believe" does not. Therefore, you need to use synonyms similar to "believe" in meaning. For example, you can say "supports the idea" instead.


Always capitalize the pronounce I. This opinion of yours should have been supported within 2 paragraphs. This was not a compare and contrast essay so you can expect to fail the test based on the Task Accuracy problem. You failed to convince the reader of your opinion. You appear to be confused yourself and conflicted as to what your personal opinion actually is. Therefore, the reason the essay will receive a non passing score is that it is under developed in terms of opinion presentation and it confuses the reader in the process.

Graduate / Personal statement - integrative systems biology PhD program Pitt University [2]


Never indicate that you were not interested in a certain field until later on. Being a PhD applicant, the focus of your personal statement should focus on the positive aspects of you interests, including what your forward thinking regarding the field is like at this point in your studies and research.


You are not applying to college, for a scholarship. A PhD personal statement should focus on your adult self with very little reference to your family history. That is of no interest to the reviewers.


Your personal statement should be more focused on your professional career. You are writing a personal and academic history which does not factor into the personal statement considerations for a PhD course. The later part of your presentation sounds like an expanded resume, which should not be present in a personal statement either.

Look at the sample PhD personal statements on the internet and at this forum to get a better idea of how to professionally present a personal statement for a PhD course or have your essay professionally reviewed and edited for relevance.

Writing Feedback / Communications between different parts of the world [2]


There is no need to mention individuals in this instance since there was no reference to it in the original presentation. Your statement would be more prompt compliant with only the reference to nations as the subject. As for the rest of the paragraph, your writer's opinion is not clearly stated since you neglected to inform the reader regarding the short form basis of your opinion. The thesis statement is needed to gain a better score.


You need to support this statement with an example of intolerance. Either lead into this discussion or, present evidence of it in the last part of the explanation. Your earlier sentences did not support this claim.


The tourism asoect is good, but should have been presented last since economics is more closely tied into business rather than tourism.

There is no need for the 3rd reasoning paragraph since this is a single opinion essasy. You actually confused the reader with regards to your actual opinion in this case. You overwrote the essay and also, gave the examiner a reason to fail you in the task accuracy portion since you contradicted your own opinion in the presentation. Always focus on defending only your poont of view. Do not defend both sides.

Essays / Should I apply ED NYU Stern or wait RD (Meh GPA can improve) [3]

Students who normally apply for Early Decision are those whose GPA are exemplary and competitive in the academic field. They are at their academic peak and the reviewers will be able to assess that based upon their submitted documents and related papers. If you feel that your grades are good, but you have not peaked yet academically, then I do not see any reason to rush your application. You do not lose anything by opting for Regular Decision. After all, you said so yourself that your GPA can still improve. I would not apply for ED if there is a chance that I can present a better grade consideration for myself in the future. Make sure that you apply at your academic peak for the best possible decision regarding your application.

Essays / Looking for Suggestions on My College Admission Essay [2]

You must post your essay to receive a review of the content based upon the concerns you stated. I can offer you a guideline though for your response review before you post the essay.

Does the story flow well? Provided you do not include too many side stories or unrelated situations in the presentation, the story should find itself well connected from point to point. Focus on your target discussion at all times and make sure that all narrations circle back to that point at the end.

Does the conclusion tie everything together? Provided you efficiently transition the paragraphs and use related discussion points, there should not be any reason for you to not have a perfectly tied in response to the prompt you have chosen. It should, like I previously mentioned, circle back to the point that you successfully dealt with the obstacle.

I am unable to present any more useful tips to you at thispoint. I need to review the essay presentation to find any loopholes or weak points Tha you can improve upon. I will wait for you to post the essay here.

Writing Feedback / The Death Penalty is the best way to control and reduce serious crime. To what extent do you agree? [5]


I realize that this is your personal opinion and it is essential to the presentation. However, you cannot use it to open the first paragraph since that section is reserved for the prompt rephrasing. You may include that statement in your writer's opinion presentation as a part of your thesis statement though. I am sad to say that your first paragraph will cause the eventual failing score of the essay for 2 reasons:

1. The incorrect prompt restatement
2. The unrelated response format that you used for the writer's opinion section

The final reason that this essay will not receive a passing score is because you used a comparison discussion format in the reasoning paragraphs where a single opinion defense using 2 supporting reasons was the expected discussion format.