Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

Chinese is clearly going to remain one of the world's major languages for awhile. Many believe that Chinese is likely to replace English as the international language of choice in the near future, but I think that's unlikely. The fact that its writing system isn't phonetic, and therefore has to be learned separately from its spoken language is a really big drawback in that respect, especially since most people learning a new language usually develop a greater fluency in reading it than they do in speaking it, especially at the outset. Also, Chinese is tonal, which makes it very, very difficult for someone not used to speaking in a tonal language to master.

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

"Even though I now live in the United States, I take the lessons I learned to heart. My school life taught me determination, my observation of traditional customs taught me respect for others, and my concern with appearances taught me self respect."

This is a much stronger essay. I'm not sure all readers will agree with your views on traditional roles or on the importance of dressing in designer clothes, but you have answered the prompt clearly and honestly, so good job.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

But English also has some advantages over other languages. For instance, while technically a Germanic language, it has been heavily influenced by French (and in fact many of our 'fancy' words are cognates for everyday, 'common' French words). As a result, it is fairly easy to pick up if you start out speaking either a Romance or Germanic language, as it has roots in each of these two separate language families. Also, English has been spread across the world by virtue of being the language of two Empires in a row. It is the prime language of two continents (Australia and North America) and has a strong foothold in much of Europe (where it spreads quite easily, the other languages tending to be either Romance or Germanic, at least until you hit Eastern Europe) and India, though of course it has more competition there.

Oh, and English is well ahead of French as a lingua franca, and has been for awhile. The only three languages with more native speakers are Mandarin, Hindi, and Spanish. As for which language has the most total number of speakers, the estimates vary widely, but most either put English in first place, just ahead of Chinese, or in second place, considerably behind it. Hindi comes in third in both cases.

Undergraduate / My Heritage - in my own country I feel the most foreign. Common App. Essay [10]

I really like this essay. Its authentic and thoughtful, which is something of a rarity these days.

As for the first sentence, I'd actually suggest keeping the original:


Normally, I'd be in full agreement that any sentence starting with "it is" could be made stronger by rephrasing it to avoid that phrase. In this case, though, you really want a structure that puts the idea of your feeling "most foreign" at the end of the sentence, where it gets the most emphasis, as this is the central idea of your essay. Of course, if you can revise it to avoid using "it is" whilst still keeping the emphasis, that would be even better.

The only thing that struck me as being a bit off, content-wise, was this part:


You don't just have money, you have the advantages money buys. For instance, you sound as if you have already received a fairly decent education so far, and probably have the grades, extracurriculars, and writing skills necessary to get into a good university. You also have a future-oriented, middle-class attitude. You would still have all of these, even if your family went bankrupt tomorrow, and these advantages means you would be much more likely to secure a good future for yourself, even without the continuing presence of your family's money. As for comparing the harsh life of children forced to labor to your own life of being forced to travel the world (I understand how that can be frustrating for a kid growing up, but really, many, many adults pay exorbitant amounts of money to get that sort of experience), it just sounds as if you don't really understand the difficulties of being truly poor. So, I'd rewrite this part, if I were you, to reflect perhaps a greater sense of compassion for those who are less fortunate than you.

Undergraduate / 'in disbelief and shock after our win' - University of Florida essay [24]

"After that, we brainstormed on the visuals and functions of the robot."

"Regardless we went ahead, and it turns out that after all of our hard work we had constructed a decent machine."

"trying my best in everything to which I apply myself."

"I shall be triumphant in my goals and dreams which are to complete college with the best grades and further my education into graduate school and become a successful individual." Can you make this sentence about half its current length?

Essays / "The opportunity to teach something you know" - GED Prep Class Essay help [5]

If I had the opportunity to teach something I know to someone else, I would teach someone how to take better quality photos.

There. Not the most original or scintillating opening sentence, but it gets you on your way, and can always be rewritten later. Now, why would you choose that? Is it that you believe that taking high quality photos is important? Or that it happens to be the one thing you believe you're truly good at? Or that it would provide your students with some specific benefits that you wish them to have? Your answers to these questions might then give rise to still more questions, and so on, until, in chasing down the answers, you find you have enough material for a complete essay.

Undergraduate / Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay [9]

Your grammar and style seem good to me. I'd focus on polishing the content so that the entire essay flows well and meets the word limit. Then post your revised draft here for more feedback.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]

That is also true. I was thinking, though, of how Latin evolved itself out of existence, as it broke down into the various romance languages. One day, it seems likely that Americans, Australians, and Brits will all end up speaking different languages, as the Englishes spoken in each will have diverged so much that they are no longer compatible. Ideally, though, each country would strive to slow its rate of linguistic change to maintain a common language for as long as possible. The usefulness of there being one widely spoken language (an international language, even) in a globalized world should be self-evident.

Undergraduate / Stuck on UC prompt, there is nothing really exciting in my life.. [15]


Follow these instructions. How has your family and cultural background shaped who you are? What is your cultural background? What advantages has having this background had for you? Are there any disadvantages that you have had to overcome? What about your family? Are you an only child, or do you have siblings? How does being in the one sort of family make you different from how you would have been if you had been in the other sort? And so on.

Alternatively, you could approach the question from the other direction, and focus on


So, what are your dreams and aspirations? How did you develop these dreams? Who or what inspired and encouraged you to pursue them?

Undergraduate / "Combining sports and grades" - UT important issue essay [3]

"This issue is not just of concern to the students themselves, but to the coaches that are responsible for keeping them in line."

"I think they could have excelled a little more."


You might want to elaborate on how you managed this, if you need more words.


Or, you could talk more about how you think the school should help student-athletes. A study group would be one step, but that's a bit vague, so adding some specificity might be a good idea.

Undergraduate / Discipline, resolution, perfection. - Common App 150 word essay [9]

Yeah, the opening makes it sound as though you are going to be writing about a particular performance, but then you end up talking about your general enjoyment of the band. You'll probably need to add a sentence or two connecting the two parts more solidly, then work on cutting down the overall word count to less than 150. Or, you could just cut the first half completely and work on adding a new intro. The heart of your essay is this:


This is what you should definitely keep and build on. You are very detailed and descriptive here, and you take a fairly original approach, focusing not so much on the musical aspects of band as the social ones.

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]

It has a better flow, now, between the last two paragraphs. I don't know that you can do much more with this, given your approach. The only thing I'd change now is:


Hopefully, you will find college to be more than "just another obstacle." Yes, the academic work will be more challenging, but that is only a small part of the college experience, which is (or at any rate certainly can be) something far more joyous than the word "obstacle" would imply.

Book Reports / Argumentative essay on 1984 - Outline [40]

How questions can be useful, too. You might look, for instance, at how Orwell conceives of power, and then ask yourself whether or not you agree with that conception.

Undergraduate / Capital Punishment (the death penalty) Essay. Should be allowed or not? [11]

For that matter, if the death penalty is acceptable, why not use the criminals as slave labor, instead? I imagine a great many of the people on death row would prefer the latter to the former, and it seems as if using criminals as a resource would be better for society than merely killing them or locking them up.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]


Oh, I agree wholeheartedly. That doesn't mean that every uneducated misuse or misspelling should be thrown into the dictionary as soon as it crops up. Britain understands this. I'm not certain America does. Hence, the British dictionary notes that the use of "comprise" in question is wrong, but is becoming standard, and so the British dictionary will eventually have to change to recognize this. The American dictionaries, on the other hand, have already added the meaning, with the one dictionary arguing that the usage has never even been wrong (shades of Orwell). The whole point of language, as you yourself said, is that it is a set of agreed upon rules. If the rules change to accommodate all errors, then they are not rules anymore, and the language loses cohesion. So, while linguistic change is inevitable, it should also be fought against for as long as possible, to preserve the utility of the language.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]


Exactly. One side argues that it is fighting for freedom and equality (of the slaves). The other side argues that it is fighting for the right of self-determination (of the South). You have two sets of opposed principles, which gives each side a powerful case.


Well, your pros were already pretty good, and centered around this theme, but yes. The purpose of making English a national language would be to unite the American people under one common tongue. You could then argue that this would help prevent the creation of ethic ghettos, and benefit the immigrants themselves, who would have a much easier time finding work and fitting in in their new home.

To create a strong con argument, you would have to argue that American unity came from more than just language, and that other factors were equally if not more important. Then, ideally, you would show how having a national language would weaken those factors. So, you might argue that what unites Americans is the dream of living in a land of liberty, where everyone has the right to pursue their own happiness, regardless of how they define it. So, people should be free to learn (or not learn) languages as they see fit. Many people might think that people living here would be happier if they learned English, but that's for each individual to decide, not the gov't.

That would give you a more balanced set of pros and cons, though I suspect that the pros are always going to be slightly stronger. That's okay, though -- it may be that the pro side just has more going for it. After all, the policy essentially boils down to "if you want to join our club, you have to be able to communicate with the rest of us." This is simple, straightforward, has common sense appeal, and tends to resonate with most people psychologically.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]

Read the book. Write a draft. Post the draft . . .

Writing Feedback / I believe that police protection and good schools are the main factors to create an ideal community [19]

Don't worry -- you'll eventually get to the point where you can express yourself as you would like in English, too. In the meantime, just keep treating these essays as what they are: tests of your English proficiency, not tests of your critical thinking abilities.

Book Reports / Key to get re-submitted! Anicent World History Paper [31]


Lol! Actually read a whole book! In the age of the Internet! That's just crazy talk :-)

Undergraduate / UCF Admissions essay - family history environment / culture - suggestions / proofread? [21]

I would be interested to see a revised version that takes the advice you have received so far into account. Your original essay had some distinct potential.

Undergraduate / 'Most people love Christmas' - University of Florida essay ("my life change"), suggestions? [21]

I think the essay may suffer a bit from its focus on the magic of Christmas. The essay is very well-written and interesting, but you've made Christmas the focus, whereas perhaps you might have been better off making yourself the focus. You can just cut the last paragraph altogether, and have a very strong essay, but you can't really turn it into a traditional "and this is how the experience will make me a better student" essay without severely weakening what you have.

Essays / Need a topic and assistance with writing a descriptive essay [5]

Just think of all the businesses that have products or services they wish to sell (which is pretty much all of them) and you'll soon have more examples than you can use.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]


I thought it might not be. That's why I also looked it up in Merriam Websters. I felt certain that I would be fairly safe in finding what I needed to back up my points as long as I went with American sources, as the Americans have always preferred to rewrite their dictionary from time to time rather than to educate their citizens in the use of English. British sources would have been more likely to stick to the old ways. For instance, askoxford.com has this to say:

"Traditionally, comprise means 'consist of' and should not be used to mean 'constitute or make up (a whole)'. However, a passive use of comprise is becoming part of standard English: this use (as in the country is comprised of twenty states) is more or less synonymous with the traditional active sense (as in the country comprises twenty states)."

However, even here the author grudgingly notes that the usage is so widespread it is pointless to fight it.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]

Your pros read better than your cons mainly because they are united around a single purpose for the policy, namely social cohesion. Your cons are okay, but seem weaker because they aren't united around a central vision for opposing the policy. Mainly, they deal with the practicalities of the policy, rather than tackling the notion of whether or not the policy is a good idea in principle.

So, to counter the pros you have at the moment effectively, someone who disagreed with the policy would have to unravel a very complicated set of premises, and try to show either that language is not an important element in creating social cohesion, or that social cohesion is undesirable, or that government attempts to foster social cohesion through language selection violated some other principles that would make it a bad idea. None of these are easy tasks.

In contrast, to counter your cons, all someone who agreed with the policy would have to do is show that the policy could be made to work well enough to accomplish its stated purpose. For example:

"There is no viable way to enforce attendance of classes and practical application of English." But if immigrants couldn't get in legally without first passing an English proficiency test, this would not be necessary anyway.

"Immigrants arriving in the United States regularly have a need to obtain income and choose to work rather than attend English classes." But good work is much easier to find in the U.S. if you speak English, which is another good reason for mandating that immigrants master the language.

Your cons can be greatly weakened in a single sentence apiece, because, as I said, they are dealing only with questions of the practicality of enforcement, not with the philosophical underpinnings of the policy. If you want to make your cons as strong as your pros, you will have to come up with some that challenge the validity of such a policy, even if it could be implemented in such a way that it achieved its stated goals.

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]

Not only is the metaphor hackneyed, it is unnecessary:

"My experience in "We the People" was the eternal flame that has fueled my desire and resolve to immerse myself in it as much as possible."

Metaphors work best when used to conjure up mental images of abstract ideas. This one doesn't really do that. Also, it sounds hyperbolic. What exactly, is eternal? Your desire to participate in "We the People?" But aren't you going to move on to other things at some point?

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

At the moment you mention stereotypes as a frame for your letter, which is fine, but I wouldn't go into much more detail about them than you already do. The letter is supposed to be about you, after all.

Essays / Similarities between myself and any vegetable [17]

And of course, you don't have to limit yourself entirely to one perspective. Given that the essay seems as much an exercise in using your imagination as in mastering a particular essay format, you could try to touch on as many different aspects of your chosen vegetable as possible. Be careful, though, that you choose something that most people agree is a vegetable. The term is not a precise, scientific one. Tomatoes, for instance, while commonly cited as being "a fruit, not a vegetable," are in fact, for tax purposes in the U.S., vegetables, and many cooks lump mushrooms in with "veggies," even though they are not, scientifically speaking, plants at all.

Writing Feedback / I believe that police protection and good schools are the main factors to create an ideal community [19]


Exactly. Start by identifying what you think is the most important aspect of an ideal neighborhood (security) then tie your points (police, education) back to it.

Essays / Pro Con Analysis (Immigrants to Learn English) [19]

I don't know that the list of cons is much stronger here (though much better written). All but one seem like non sequiturs. Who was here first doesn't much seem to influence whether or not A) English is now the predominant language of the nation, and B) having everyone able to speak the same language within the nation would be beneficial (bearing in mind that people would still presumably be free to speak other languages whenever they wanted). The policy would be fairly easy to enforce -- simply make proficiency in English a requirement for immigration visa. Any new immigrants who came here who were not proficient in English would therefore presumably not be here legally, and so yes, they could be deported.

The cons listed seem to assume that the policy would include banning the use of other languages, and the forcing of people already here who do not speak English to master the language, neither of which are necessarily parts of the proposal. A stronger set of cons might focus on the unintended effects such laws might have. Immigrants who learned English might have a hard time getting their families to come and join them, for instance, as their family members might not yet have been able to master English. Some people we would presumably value as immigrants, because of the skills they possess, might find it easier to learn English after arriving, which they would presumably have to do to find a decent job anyway, raising the most obvious con to the law, that it seems unnecessary. I doubt many people seriously want to live in a country where they can't understand 90% of what's going on around them. A better law might be one that provided easier access to ESL training, to help immigrants who wish to pick up English to do so.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]


Actually, dictionary.com lists as one of the meanings of "comprise":

"be comprised of, to consist of; be composed of: The sales network is comprised of independent outlets and chain stores."

Merriam-Webster concurs, though it lists it as a third rather than a fourth meaning, and has this to say about using the word as a synonym for "compose":

"Although it has been in use since the late 18th century, sense 3 is still attacked as wrong. Why it has been singled out is not clear, but until comparatively recent times it was found chiefly in scientific or technical writing rather than belles lettres"

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]

Humor is good. It is also very subjective, and so difficult to do well. That said, there is no reason you shouldn't make your essay a bit lighthearted. Just make sure the personal flaws you point out aren't ones that might adversely affect your academic performance -- the applications officers likely won't find that particularly funny.

Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

Does it know the french terms if you include the accents:

Raison d'ętre
Coup d'état

Writing Feedback / Identify what are the most important features of an ideal community and why they are important? [10]

Noticed this in your other essay too -- be careful with your conjugation of perfect tenses:

"Good school, public transportation, police protection, and the appearance of a neighborhood, all may exist together in one place, but I have not found that place yet."

Graduate / MBA demanding/challenging situation Essay [9]

In fact, I'd say you should avoid using even one exclamation mark. The sentence in question is not, after all, actually an exclamation or a command, and so its usage is technically incorrect.

Undergraduate / "Panic. Chaos. Insanity." - Stanford Roommate Essay [17]


Yes indeedy. And so saying that studying isn't your main priority, and that you plan to be a party animal, while refreshingly honest, is a horrible idea. There is a time and a place for honesty, and application essays aren't necessarily it, unless you happen to genuinely possess all of the characteristics and to hold all of the views that the admissions officers are looking for in successful applicants. That said, you can still go with the messiness thing -- you won't be the first university student to leave his room a tad cluttered, and keeping your room disorganized isn't predictive of academic success. Studying sort of is, though, so you should avoid any and all claims that you will treat your academic work as anything other than your first priority.

Writing Feedback / Should parents be held responsible for acts of vandalism committed by their children? [17]

Hmmmm . . . well, let's take a break from focusing on content for awhile, and start worrying about your grammar:

"Public places are vandalized by children who are unsupervised by their parents."

"For example, welcome someone who comes to their house, and respond to others greetings." This is a sentence fragment: revise.

"There, nobody was caught , nobody paid"

I'm sure others on this site can add to these corrects considerably.

Undergraduate / Essay for U-Chicago - it's a little childish.. [32]

Indeed, you can add an explicit thesis statement to the end of your introduction if you are worried about not being clear enough, but really, your point already comes across perfectly fine.

Undergraduate / Satisfactions from activities as a physician - Columbia University Secondary [35]


I always advise leaving in the last comma. There are two main reasons for this. First, commas generally represent pauses in speech, and most people do leave slight pauses when listing items, and this pause exists also between the last two items in the list. Second, and perhaps more importantly, it can prevent a great deal of confusion when one or more of the items in the list contains the word "and." For instance, consider the following sentence: "The decorator suggested a variety of color schemes: teal, blue and white and green and orange." If you omit the last comma, the reader is left to wonder what the exact color schemes are. They could be:

blue
white and green and orange

or

blue and white
green and orange

or

blue and white and green
orange

Grammar, Usage / Good words flagged as bad by spell checkers [15]

Good question. I know misspelled terms typed in Google, at least in my browser, are not underlined in red, whereas misspelled terms typed in this site's textboxes are. This would lead me to believe that it is the site rather than my browser that has the spellchecker. I suppose the only way to be sure, though, would be for you to let me know whether, when you try typing "primatologist" into a message on this site, it gets underlined in red. If I'm adding them to a site dictionary, it should be recognized on your computer too. If I'm adding them to my browsers' dictionary, then it should still be flagged.

Undergraduate / "We the People" - Undergrad Admissions Essay for Ivies? Critique =) [29]


You need a stronger concluding sentence. The word we use for someone whose only idea of civic duty is reminding others of theirs is "hypocrite." This is not the impression you want to convey of yourself. Perhaps you could tie together your activities by explaining in more detail how they have given you a broader view of the meaning of civic duty.